To Be or Not to Be....

This evening I find out of my tumor was oestrogen-receptive, so it's another D-Day for me.

Confused?

Well if it isn't oestrogen receptive:
It's common that chemotherapy can bring on early menopause which is scary because i really want kids. But most cases that i've heard stories about from friends and friends of friends is that they know women who went on the have children. So i really hope that's the case with me.

But if it is oestrogen receptive:
This means that my tumor could of fed off estrogen to make it bigger. So after chemotherapy and radio therapy i'd have to have a 5 year course of tablets as part of my anti-estrogen therapy. The goal of this therapy is to starve the breast cancer cells of the hormone they thrive on, which is oestrogen.

And during this therapy, I can't get pregnant. So 5 years of medication, which i'd prob start just before my 34th birthday this year, means that I'd be 39 when i'd have stopped taking the drugs.

That scares me.

I really want children, in fact i'm ready to have children now and am so afraid that i may never have any of my own. I was up all night last night worrying about it. Thinking about my amazing husband who i've been married to for just over 2 months when i found out that i had breast cancer and now there could be a chance that i'd never give him children. I'm aching with worry and this is the first time since i've had my operation that i've cried out of self pity.

But there's nothing i can do, except deal with whatever i'm told today and i have to leave it up to fate; what will be will be...