I feel like an Alien!

It's weird but I don't think anyone knows how I feel. I don't know anyone who's had breast cancer, except Kylie Minogue, although not personally! So I do feel very alone in the sense that I can't 'really' talk about it unless someone understands.

So, in my quest for some inside knowledge, I watched Season 6 of Sex & the City where Samantha is diagnosed with breast cancer. And this may sound bonkers but it made me feel human, even though its just a tv show, it was good to see someone else going through it.

But back in the real world, I only know friends of friends of friends who have had breast cancer, but no-one my age, they all see to be women in their 40's or older. And it's hardly possible to hang out in bars asking women my age if they know anyone who's had breast cancer and can I talk to them!

So the quest continues and my feelings...well i'm mute. What can I say?

Who will truly understand that I'm scared of something the size of a peanut?

It’s only 1.5cm big!

Today I had my appointment to have a mamogram and an ultrasound to check my other breast and my armpits. And I have to say that I’ve never ever felt so much pain than when the nurse squished my boob to take the xray! Again that might because it’s the time of the month so everything in that area hurts, I don’t know. But it bloody killed!

So, there’s good news, my lump is only 1.5cm big! And the mamogram and ultrasound were clear so no early signs of it being anywhere else! Fab fab news, I know its still there, but 1.5cm is tiny. It does worry me though that ‘what if i didn’t go to the dr’s’, its so so so small. And when I touch it, it’s feels like a pea which is weird because when I first found it, it felt the size of a chocolate covered marshmallow. But I think that’s because ‘exaggeration’ kicked in, the smallest of lumps felt like a mountain on my boob and in fact it was teeny tiny.

So I want to try to make women aware of this, to check their breasts regularly and to get anything suspicious checked out, even if its a tiny lump. How I do this is unknown as yet, but its something good to keep my mind busy…

Tears and Tantrums

This morning my allocated breast cancer nurse rang me up to make an appointment. This is when it all became real. After booking her in to come and see me on Monday I went and laid in bed and sobbed for about an hour. It really hit me, that I had breast cancer, and the fear was overwhelming.

All the negative thoughts raced through my head, my poor husband who I’d only been married to for less than 3 months, what if I was going to die, would he be able to pay the mortgage without me, what if Chemotherapy made me lose my hair and he’d not find me attractive…. I know this all must sound silly but the ‘C’ word, Cancer there I said it, is bloody scary.

So anyway, after my tantrum of tears I then realised that my periods had come so maybe I was over-reacting a little bit and all I needed was a bar of chocolate. But, in the fear of dying I decided to only put fruit, veg, pulses and nuts into my body so a bar of chocolate was out of the question. So I went crazy and opted for a cup of calming Camomile tea. Which actually worked!

Finding Out I had Breast Cancer & Telling my Family

Yesterday, at 7.30pm the Dr said the words out loud ‘We had reason to be suspicious, it IS breast cancer’, I gasped, my husband went blank and it felt like that weird shot in a film when a person is zooming towards you but the background is drawing away. I was completey shocked. But being me, I then sat up in my chair and asked lots of questions. So basically, I’m waiting to be seen tomorrow for a mamogram and ultrasound to see how bad it is and if its in the other breast, from that I’ll know more about what they have to do.

As soon as I came out of the hospital, I rang my brother-in-law as I couldn’t face telling my sister. They were holidaying in Dubai and not due home for another 7 days so I tried to act as calm as I could saying that it was fine and that there was nothing to worry about. I could hear my 14month old niece in the background and I desperatly just wanted to hug her and let her beautiful innocent face make me smile.

Telling my parents was the hardest and traumatic things I’ve ever had to do. When I saw my mum as I entered their lounge I couldn’t get the words out, I just stood there and tried to hold back the tears. My husband told her what the Dr said and my mum just caved into me and she held me so tight that I felt how I did when I was a little child and my mum hugged me to keep me safe. My dad was numb but tried to keep calm, trying not to show emotion but at the same time saying things to make me feel better.

Then we all sat there in their lounge just staring at the window. We just couldn’t belive it.

Then I rang my friends, which was so hard. And then I rang my cousin who is like a brother to me, who I’d kept the whole thing quiet from, so I had to start from the beginning. He lives in Bristol so I didn’t want him to worry about me, but then the shock of the whole situation came out of his mouth and I realised the seriousness of this. I had cancer, and there’s a whole bunch of friends and family that knew absolutely nothing, and this is how they’d all react…

Finding the Lump and What I did Next

I found the lump whilst showering in the Maldives on Honeymoon (typical!) on 17th December ‘08. It was hard and bumpy and felt about 3-4cm big and went across my breast and nipple. To be honest with you, I forgot about it after worrying for about a day thinking it was just fibre tissue or a gristly lump.

Then 2 months later on the day that I was hosting my first dinner party as a married woman (but instead of entertaining couples with a good bottle of wine and a cheese board, my dinner party was for 4 of my good friends with a few bottles of champagne and girlie chats before pouring into a taxt for a night out!) I found it again, in the shower.

Two of my friends had already arrived as they were staying the night so I told them about it, over a cup of tea and a Marlboro light, and then they both had a feel. What do you say when you feel a lump on someone’s breast? fibre tissue, cyst…all the usual solutions came pouring out of my friend’s mouths and I reassured myself that it was absolutely nothing to worry about. But they did insist that I had to get it checked out, so I thought at some point…I’d try to remember to ring my dr.

Anyway, I did remember to ring the Dr, and after being poked and pressed about she told me that she wanted me to have an ultrasound which really shook me up. But none the less I booked an appointment at my local private hospital for an ultrasound.

What I didn’t expect was to find that the ultrasound led to a biopsy and a 12 day wait due to the Dr being away on holiday. It was the longest and most stressful 12 days I’ve ever had. Lots of different emotions were running through my head, my husband was keeping me sane and I was trying to be strong when he was around but I couldn’t help a tearful breakdown in the shower or the toilets at work.

You see, I’m a leo, I have a big roar and am a very proud and confident person but inside I’m a softie, and I’d rather whimper in a corner than have anyone see me sad. So trying to ‘pretend’ that I felt fine was hard. My friends from work were great, my best friends, I shut them out, completely. And I’m grateful for them respecting my wishes but I do feel awful for not talking to them. My reason was that I couldn’t hear them upset, that would make me break, and I had to keep strong. So I carried on my life as normal as much as I could do really until my appointment day came…