The Last Blog Entry....

.... Dear All,

Thanks for sharing this rollercoaster journey with me. Since finishing therapy you've probably noticed that i've not blogged much, this is due to the horrible fact that the aftermath of cancer treatment is actually far worse than the treatment itself (Although chemo is quite harrowing and I'm still waiting for my knighthood for getting through it!). Writing this blog reminds me of what's happend this year and its just so surreal, still.

I honestly can't believe it; I came through cancer.

Anyway, I'm looking forward to getting this year over with and starting a fresh new year 'cancer free'. I'm going to take myself off all social networking sites and blogs and just give myself a bit of privacy to get myself together. I'm so overwhelmed at how wonderful people have been during this awful time and their generosity in their kindness but it's time for me to try and push all this behind me, get back to work and start my new life as a married women which unfortunately i've not had the chance to do yet.

I did go to the US as previously blogged but I only lasted 6 days, I was exhausted and I've really learnt to listen and react to what my body wants and in New York my body told me to just get home and rest. I thought going away would be a great ending to a horrible year, but unfortunately I'm not over it, and won't be for a while, so I have to admit I'm not Wonder Woman, and rest.

Hopefully this blog will bring comfort, support and a contact for anyone that needs it but for now....

that's all folks!

xxx

Wheelie Bagging

Last weekend the hub and I went West to his parents house. As I mentioned a while ago, its a great seaside retreat where I eat well, sleep well and enjoy the outdoors... and I did just that.

Whilst there I told him that I feel I need to get away somewhere, on my own, just to get myself together again. He suggested that as he was going to be away from home most of November with his work, I should use that time to go away. So we dicussed where I should go and what I should do and this is the master plan (I'm so excited!!!)....

I've always had a fascination with New York, ever since I was young and I wanted to work for the New York Times. I used to wear 2 watches; one with UK time and the other with NY time so that I could see the time difference. I would look at the UK time and then the NY time, wondering what I'd be doing across the pond at that time... I was only 11!!! Anyway, I've never been! In fact the only time I'd been to the USA was Vegas last year.

So the plan is that I'm going 'wheelie-bagging' across the East coast of the US.

'Wheelie-Bagging' is my version of backpacking, but rather than a backpack and staying in hostels, I'm taking a wheelie bag and staying in lovely hotels! I'm planning to fly to Boston and then visit NY, Philly and Washington so if anyone has any suggestions of places I should visit or things I should do, email me at katherine@urbantraffic.co.uk as I have no idea where to start! But leave NY to me, I want to explore the city inside out for a week or so.

At last, something exciting to look forward to!!!

It's going to be great; no-one will know who I am and what I've been through. I can be myself again and the brilliant thing about it is that I'm going to come back and only have stories about my trip, not cancer cancer cancer as its been for the past 8 months.

Oh and I'm going to take a netbook with me so that I can blog whilst I'm there!

Mashed Up Head

Ok, so I 'can' admit. I'm suffering from stress, exhaustion, trauma etc...

It's tough to admit it but I'm glad that I can. I also thought people who went to councelling and took 'happy pills' were too weak to help themselves so they relied on pills and therapists to mend them. But actually, they're the strong one's. Weak people are the one's who are too scared to admit they need help and pretend they're okay... that used to be me.

I've stored my sad emotions all year to keep myself strong through the operation and treatment and now its over, those emotions have been released and are all over the place! But at least I can admit it, and I'm going to take the rest of the year off work to sort myself out.

What I'm going to do I don't know. But I can't sit in my lounge anymore; I'll go mad! Not sure what to do... but I think I need to get away somewhere.... I just need the radiotherapy burns to heal and then I'm off!

18, for the 1st time!

The past 7 months have been the worst of my life and now it's nearly over, I've noticed that although I'm not myself mentally, that physically, I'm not myself either!

At the beginning of this rollercoaster, I was a size 12 and at the end of it, I'm a size 18!

I've never ever had to buy size 18 clothes before and I've been living in black jogging pants for months so I've not noticed the weight creeping up on me.

At first I thought it was the steroids as my wedding rings didn't fit me anymore and my face looked puffy and bloated. But I've not taken steriods now since the beginning of August and I'm still the same. I thought I'd put on 2 stone since starting chemo but when I weighed myself this morning, it seems I've put on 3!

And I'm due to start my tamoxifen tablets this week for 5 years..which have side effects including weight gain...HELP!

I did plan to stop my blog once I'd finished all of my therapy but I'm going to keep it going until I'm back to my normal size and mental state... and I promise not to leave it a month till I next blog...



wish me luck....

Spoke too soon...

...well I didn't expect to get side effects from radiotherapy after it'd finished... but I did... and I still have, and bloody hell, it's painful.

It started on Friday where my armpit was getting a little sore, Saturday the skin changed colour and by Sunday I was in agony. I couldn't move my arm as it was too painful and when I looked at the skin I felt a flush of shock as it looked so bad.

Yesterday morning I woke up nauseous and started to be sick so I rang the hospital to get myself checked out.

Apparently this is normal, the side effects of burning and pain is a usual reaction!

Oh.

My.

God!

I've never been burnt by an iron but I can only describe it looking like I have been, my skin is burgandy and lumpy and it's unbelievably painful. I'm not able to sleep as i'm a 'toss and turner' in my sleep so as I try to turn over I feel the pain as my skin rubs together under my armpit.

This time last week I thought my treatment was all over and I could move forward, but today i'm feeling worse than any part of these horrendous few months. Chemo, was no problem compared to this.

This, the final hurdle of cancer treatment is the worst and by far the most horrific but it is the final hurdle, so I just have to ride it out....

Radiotherapy

Radiotherapy isn't too bad, you can't feel anything except the embarrassement of being half naked and having 2 nurses moving you to line up the tatoos on your chest (the first week it was two 20-something male nurses which I hated "stop being so tense" one said to me! How could I not be tense being half naked with people peering over my breasts!).

Anyway, 3 weeks of radiotherapy was like living in groundhog day. Every day was the same however I did start going to work for a few hours each day which was great. Plus I was lucky to not have had any side effects that come with radiotherapy that include burning and skin breaking. And during this therapy, my hair started to grow which was a welcomed relief!

The last day of radiotherapy was monday 21st Sept and it couldn't have come quick enough. As I drove home I started to cry and by the time I'd gotten to work I was inconsolable so I sat in my car and sobbed. I wasn't sure if it was relief that all of my treatment was over but when I texted a work collegue to come to the car park and bring tissues, I admitted what I was really feeling...

I'd spent so long pretending I was fine, and if I did have tears, I could blame it on the treatment making me ill. But now there was no more treatment, I had no excuse for my tears and I couldn't put on 'Fake katherine' of being bubbly and cheerful when inside I was a mess. I couldn't face getting out of the car and seeing people, I just wanted to go home and sob... so I did.

Mental Head

Since finishing chemo, I've been a mess.

Eveyone around me kept saying 'its over, just radiotherapy to go and its all over' but yes for everyone it 'is' all over, but for me, it's just the beginning.

It's the beginning of the rest of my life, frightened that cancer will return.

I'm too scared to go back to my normal life; driving to work every day as if nothing had happened. I can't do that, because there's something permanently on my mind....

So I've been breaking down in tears everytime I think about it and putting on a brave face in front of everyone else so that no-one worries. This isn't healthy, I know. And its just got worse and worse. My fears snowballed into a pathetic fear that I was going to find out I had cancer again very soon and how was I going to deal with it. I played the moment in my head over and over again and I'd break down at the thought of having to tell my parents that it was back.

Basically what I was doing was torturing myself about nothing, creating a fear of something that wasn't actually happening. I felt ridiculous but couldn't face talking to anyone in case they thought I was nuts, so it became a vicious circle.

So I convinced myself that I was going to have a double mastectomy and that would be the only way of ensuring I'd never get cancer back, so I booked an appointment with my breast surgeon...

he obviously thought I was being ridiculous! He explained to me that due to me catching the tumor early, together with my age and the treatment I was receiving... I had a 90% chance of never getting breast cancer again... I know its just a statistic but the relief was overwhelming. So I told him about my fears and how I'm breaking down regularly and he suggested councelling... so I'm going to give it a few weeks to see how I go and then go and see him again.. maybe opening up is what I need although I've always found it so hard to be honest about feeling down.

I think this is why I'm like this now; I've spent months pretending I'm fine so that everyone around me didn't worry. But what I was actually doing was hiding my true feelings and it's been bottling up inside and now, it's exploded and I just can't cope.

Stripy Nails

I've forgotten to add this, but when I was in hospital in June, I noticed that my nails were stripy! I asked my husband to google it, but nothing came up and I thought I was going insane!

The dr's said that it was normal during chemo so I'm a bit suprised that there's nothing online so if you've googled 'stripy nails' and have ended up at the blog, don't worry, its normal for chemo patients and its now the end of September and they're still stripy... here's a pic to prove it...

weird eh!

Venice!

Well, I must be the only person in the world that didn't realise there are no roads in Venice, only bloody water!

My husband and I went to Venice for a few days after my birthday which we booked a whilst back to mark the end of chemotherapy. When we arrived it was about 10.30pm at night and we caught a water taxi to St. Marks Square where out hotel was located. But what we didn't expect was to be stuck in the middle of a square with a map of roads and bridges but all the smaller roads weren't listed, including our hotel's road. So there we were in the middle of a square not sure which direction to go and both of us spinning in circles wondering what to do... and then phew, luckily my husband had an iphone which has a satnav and we were able to follow the cobbled streets to our hotel.

The next morning we woke up with a plan to tour the city and as we walked along the streets, stopping for coffee and ice-cream along the way, I noticed that there were no roads, no cars, no taxis! This was when my husband told me that Venice is purely canals, cobbled streets and bridges! What! Well I knew there were canals and that the best way to travel was in a gondola but seriously, not 1 road! So we'd walked for hours and hours in the heat and we had no option but to walk the whole way back!



Now remember I'd not long finished chemo, and I got tired very quickly, plus I had no hair, so I was wearing a cap and hat which was boiling! And to make matters worse, my eyebrows were so thin that I nothing to stop the sweat dripping into my eyes and finally when I sneezed and my false lashes stuck together... I knew we had to change our flights and come home early.



Venice is a beautiful place, but not the place to go after chemo, maybe a relaxing holiday was what I needed, but only once I'd finished radiotherapy that was due in a few days time...

Fabulous (but exhausting) Birthday

Well my birthday this year was brilliant. The hub and I went to a fabulous Michelin star restaurant for lunch and then I spent the evening with a group of friends and I'm excited to say that I stayed out till 1am (although I think that's due to the amount of Diet Coke I drank!).

I did wake up the next morning shattered; still suffering with 'chemo tiredness' I could only last a few hours at my mum's house for a bbq before crashing out in bed and I was gutted to miss the U2 gig that my husband had tickets for, but I knew my body was exhausted and I couldn't move off the sofa. It's really hard having to listen to your body, but with it suffering so much trauma over the past few months, it's imperative to rest when your body needs it. This is something that I've found difficult at first to deal with as I've always pushed myself but at this point, I was beat!

Where Have I Been?

Well its been over a month since I've blogged.

And I've been here all along, but my head has been somewhere else..

I've spent the past few weeks worrying about how to move my life forward after finishing chemotherapy and this along with a few ups and downs, it's been a stressful month. But I think my head is back, phew!

So, rather than bore you with a super long blog entry for today, i'm going to break it up into chapters so here goes....

Another year older...

Tomorrow, I'm 34!

34! I can't believe how quickly this year has flown. I remember that on my birthday last year I was stuck at work until 8pm as there was an accident on the main road and no-one could move. So I sat in the office and arranged the transport for my hen party.

This year, I'm just getting through cancer treatment.

Who'd have know it eh?

I feel quite sad, I've been lying in bed all morning thinking about my age, and about my life. I'm only 34, and I'm dealing with cancer. My whole life I've felt immortal, I think everyone does. No-one knows when cancer is going to strike, and if it ever will but bloody hell when it does, it does. And your whole life is turned upside down.

This week i've been so worried about it coming back, and so afraid of getting on with my life and then one day, bam... its back. How do people who come through cancer carry on after treatment, without the constant fear of it creeping back up on you? I don't know how I'm going to do it.

But I am going to enjoy my birthday tomorrow. It's my first social gathering since our wedding, nothing fancy, just some drinks with friends popping in. I'm really excited.

And to you blog readers, spare £2 today to make a birthday girl's wish come true and help me raise £1m. Give up that cup of coffee or magazine and please donate it for my birthday to http://www.themillionpoundschallenge.co.uk/

Badges of Hope

My cousin Teri had a bloody amazing idea a few months ago....to get Clutterfly Jewellery to make a unique badge for me to sell in aid of my £1m challenge for Cancer Research UK.

We've called it the 'Badge of Hope', as hope is all we have to get us through cancer and hope is all we have that it doesn't touch everyone and hope is all we have that Cancer Research can cure it.

Stuff the usual boring charity badges, if I say so myself these are awesome!

It's a frightening thought, but cancer can effect everyone, no-one knows when. By buying a badge of hope, you're giving money to a cause that might save your life one day, or someone that you love.

So buy one, wear it with pride and let everyone know...

http://www.clutterflyjewellery.com/product_info.php?products_id=679

thanks xxxx

It's been a while...

I've not blogged for ages. In fact, I've not done anything for ages.

To be honest, I'm exhausted. I'm not sure if it's the chemo, the fact that I've not left the sofa for weeks or just relief that I'm nearly there. But I'm pooped. I have no energy at all. And I'm so bloody bored!

But, I had my last chemo a few weeks ago, it was the worst one of the lot, it really zonked me out and maybe that's why I'm feeling like this.

But maybe, what's really happening is that I'm scared.

No more chemo.

Don't get me wrong, I hate chemo. But now that it's over, what now? I've got radiotherapy and pills to take for 5 years, but chemo kills cancer cells, and whilst having chemo I felt safe.

I think I'm making myself a bit depressed at the thought of cancer coming back, and when I think about it, it makes me cry... like now.

The thought of cancer coming back is frightening.

4 Very Scary Days

Tonight I came out of hospital. And geez, what a scary episode it was....

I'd been taking my temperature every day last week as I had a bit of a cold and was worried it'd turn into an infection or virus (read the blog entry 'Please don't put the words Cancer and Just Died in the Same Sentance - and you'll know why I was taking my temperature daily, to be over cautious as an infection or virus can get very scary!)

Anyway, it had been fine all week but Saturday evening it rose a little, so like every cancer patient knows... you have to call the hospital to tell them. So I did, and as usual, they asked me to go in to have my blood count checked. The reason for this is that chemo kills all your cells, whether they're good cells or bad, it zaps them. This includes your white blood cells which are your immune system, so for a week or so after chemo, my immune system is down but slowly builds back up, usually mine recover well but as I was about to find out on Saturday evening; this time, they hadn't....

My blood count was really low, 0.2 and I had a slight temperture, so the Dr told me that I had to stay at the hospital for 24 hours to be monitored. So the hub left me in my room at Velindre Cancer Care hospital for the evening, at this point I thought everything was going to be okay.

However my vains were weak, and 2 nurses and a Dr tried to inject me for a drip and geez, what pain that was! 6 holes later a bruised hand and arm and my vains were having none of it, so I had to have it where they took blood halfway up my arm which meant that I couldn't bend it. Bloody nightmare! I'm left handed, but couldn't use my arm to eat, flick through a mag... it was really weird but hey, it was only going to be 24hours so I thought I would put up with the inconvinience!

The following day they checked my blood again and it had dropped again, my immune was nonexistent and at this point, my temperature was bubbling. Panic took over, all I could think about was the story I was told in April about a cancer patient who had a a low immune after chemo, got an infection, which turned into a virus, which turned into pneumonia, and she died.

Throughout the day I cried; I had no idea where this infection had come from, people take it for granted that when they have a temperature their immune can fight it but for me, something small that had started growing over the week was now growing fast and my body was shaking, my teeth were chattering and although I was freezing cold, my skin was on fire. I had no idea what I had, in fact I'm still waiting for the test results to come back, so I was scared of what it was, how serious it was, and could my body recover and fight it.

My parents couldn't even come to visit, my dad had a sniffley cold so anything like that was too risky, I wasn't even allowed to leave my room. So for 4 days I lay in bed feeling sick from the anti-biotics, resting, and then every few hours I'd have a fit of shakes and a high temperature and wait for it to pass. They injected me daily with a bone marrow booster to help my blood cells and I had to have 24 hours of normal temperature to be able to leave.

So today, after 4 nightmare and very scary days, I came home.

I've never thought about loving my body, but now I do. Even in its ugliness of putting on so much weight during chemo, I still love it. They say true beauty is on the inside, and my body, that was able to fight and recover all of this, is beautiful.

So now, I think it deserves a treat, I think I'll buy it a new wardrobe!

My First Tattoo....

Well I've always wanted to have one and now I've got one, well 3, but I can only find 1 of them!

I went for my radiotherapy planning last week and they tattooed little dots where they have to line up the plates for the therapy. They're small, like pin pricks, but tattoos none the less so its a little bit exciting!

I met someone a few weeks ago who was 11years clear of breast cancer and still has her radiotherapy tattoos!

I though about doing something bonkers and having a tattoo on my head so when my hair grows over it, no-one will actually see it, but i'll know its there!

Maybe i'll get something rude tattooed on there, something with a 4 letter work, haha! And then when I'm 80 I can shave it off and show my grandkids!

But then sod's law, maybe i'll need chemo again, oh geez how embarrassing would that be?!

Chemo Number 5... Eat, Eat & Eat Some More...

Hoo-rah!

Chemo 5 down, phew. It's been a toughie...

After a fantastic weekend at the West Walian Wedding I was ready for a week on the sofa of vegging in a chemo coma. But by day 3, I was feeling fine. I had chemo Monday morning and on Wednesday afternoon I was eating a burger in Cardiff Bay looking forward to going to the cinema. That's the first time ever I've been able to leave the house 2 days after chemo. I did fall asleep in the cinema which couldn't have been fun for the hub but to venture out in chemo coma week was exciting! I felt as though I'd mastered it; chemo wasn't going to effect me anymore and the ball was happily in my court....

then on Thursday morning, about 4am, I woke up... starving.

I was so hungry that I felt myself getting angry that I needed to eat.

My chemo nurse told me months ago that she'd had patients that got ravenous from the steroids and had to raid the fridge but I'd not had anything like that...until now.

I lasted for 2 hours in bed tossing and turning as my stomach called out for food, and at 6am I gave in... and made pasta.

That was the start of my insatiable appetite to just eat and eat and eat. And this was followed by sleep and sleep and sleep.

All I've done since Thursday morning is eat... and sleep. I've been totally zonked on the sofa snoozing and then waking up to stuff my face. It's not been pleasant.

But its Sunday today, and its over. I think I feel normal, a little tired, but chemo'd out.

And now... 2 weeks until the last ever chemo!!!

And whatever weird tastes, feelings or illness it brings me, i'll accept it glady... as its the last EVER chemo... wurhoo!

A West Walian Wedding

Well the hub has settled back home quite nicely; his unpacking all over the floor, take-aways and eating out since he's been home and is today enjoying a boozy day at the Ashes... it's like he's never been away!

Where as me, I'm running up and down the stairs trying to get my bits and bobs together for a weekend in the Gower for a wedding. We're leaving tomorrow morning to enjoy the weekend together so we're hopefully heading off in the morning (bet I'm driving cause the hub is gonna be hungover from the cricket!) and then going for lovely walks along the beach (hopefully not on my own whilst the hub sleeps off his hangover!).

The wedding's Saturday and I've had a nightmare trying to find an outfit, it's not easy. I've gone up 2 dress sizes and although I did try to squeeze into most outfits, I had to give in and go for a more 'comfortable'option of a flowy dress that will hopefully hide my lady (and steroids) bumps. I'm still unsure what to wear on my head, I now feel silly in a wig, and I also feel silly in my hat. I'll probably take both with me and see how I feel on the day, I just hope a tantrum isn't brewing as it usually does when I'm due to leave the house as I feel so weird having no hair. But my mum did remind me today... this time next month I'll be finishing my last chemo... :-) so my hair will start to hopefully shoot out super fast as I've always had fast growing hair.

Anyway, that's Saturday. And then Sunday, the bride and groom are hosting a pre-wedding Hawaiin BBQ. I've got my grass skirt, black long hair wig, garlands and head piece and am really excited to have hair again for a day, it feels like real hair and if it wasn't so long I'd wear it to the wedding day itself! So am looking forward to spending time with the hub and seeing my friends for the weekend. I'm also excited about having a 'drink' although I know my alcohol tolerance is on the floor, so 1 or 2 vodkas and it'll be bed time!

I'll blog again with West Walian Wedding news and hopefully no embarrassing stories about my wig flying off on the dancefloor after me having 1 drink and thinking i'm George Sampson!

Oh I forgot, chemo next week. It was due tomorrow but I re-scheduled it for next week so that I could go to the wedding. Chemo number 5 people, nearly there...

...life is slowly getting better!

It's a Miracle!

I can see!

Since the age of 16 I've worn glasses. And I've always been too vain to wear them as much as I should do. But for driving, cinema, gigs, matches.. I have to wear them.

But last week I noticed that my eyes seem to work without glasses. It's so strange.

Could it be the chemo?
My dad thinks its the amount of carrots I juice (I thought carrots made you see in the dark, not see generally!)

And my mum noticed that my eyes have changed colour. I used to have dark brown eyes, now they're light brown. Very light brown. And the hub noticed yesterday that they're clear with no speckly bits.

Is this the cure for bad eye sight, to have chemo? or eat 6 carrots juiced with oranges, strawberries and blueberries...? eitherway, its amazing.

I had my eye's tested the week I was waiting for my biopsy, I'm going to get them tested again after I finish my chemo to see how much they've improved!

The Lion's Return

Phew, I did it. I managed to survive 7 long weeks without the hub.

He's home tomorrow and I'm so excited and quite weirdly...a little nervous. It's been the longest I've been without him; the most being about 3 weeks when he's been away for the summer tours, so this time it feels like he's been away for a year.

I've had an odd day today, i've just been super tired and a little grumpy. I'm not sure if its post chemo fatigue or just relief that the hub is getting on a plane and coming home. Eitherway... tomorrow won't come fast enough! I'm having Reiki tomorrow morning (a way of natural healing using energy) and also reflexology so I'll be super chilled by the time the hub is home.

I just had a thought about it, I do feel nervous... like I'm going on a first date with him... how exciting! Also, it's a bit sad to admit but I've actually already selected what I'm going to wear to pick him up tomorrow!

Wish me luck...

A New Outlook...

There has to be some reason that this is happening to me.

I can't have experienced the best year of my life during 2008; my niece was born, my boyfriend proposed to me, then his team won the Grand Slam at rugby, I had the most fun ever at my hen do, I experienced the best day of my life at my wedding (non-wed people, its actually true, it 'does' feel like the best day of your life!) and then spent 3 weeks honeymooning in the Maldives and Vegas and then just when I was ready to start a family...whoosh...the rug is pulled from under my feet, I get diagnosed with Breast Cancer and then I learn I can't start a family for 5 years....

So it can't just be bad luck... there has to be some reason why this has happend... maybe there's something I've yet to do in my life and I've been wracking my brains for the past few weeks trying to figure out what it is!

All I know is that I've been told that 1 in 5 women get breast cancer back within 2 years of finishing treatment but if I go 5 years without getting it back... I should be able to say that I'm all clear... but those 2 years are going to be really hard. And if I'm unlucky enough to get it back I want to say that I've bloody enjoyed those 2 years.

I can't face finishing chemo and radiotherapy and then going back to my old life. I want to experience 'something' and its so cliche but I want to enjoy every minute as life is precious. For the 4 weeks between being diagnosed and finding out my lymph nodes were given the all clear, I worried that I was going to die, horribly by suffering and fighting through cancer. But I'm not, and I've feel like I've been given a 'get out of jail free' card for a 2nd chance at life but I don't know what I'm supposed to do....

I'm going to start 'pruning' and getting rid of all the negativity in my life, then I feel like I need to go spend some time alone to figure out what I need to do without anyone influencing me... maybe i'll book a weekend break somewhere sunny where I can sit on a balcony overlooking a beautiful view and start with a pen and blank piece of paper and just brainstorm...

I won't waste my life anymore, no-one knows when their lives will end and I don't think anyone really cares to think about that. But my life is different, I thought recently that my life 'was' going to end, but I've got it back, and I have to start to really live it, I just wish I knew how to!

It's Me!

Okay let's go back to last year.....

I went through a phase of buying the same gift for nearly every female birthday last year... a Chanel mirror compact (I truly believe every woman should have one in her handbag!). And each time I'd go to Debenhams to buy one, the Chanel counter was empty and a lovely lady from Clarins would come over to serve me and gift wrap the compact. We struck up a few conversations and I told her about getting married and she suggested some Clarins creams for me as she gift wrapped my purchase. And I went in there so many times that when she saw me coming into the store she'd ask 'Who's birthday is it this time?'.

Anyway, my friend Cerys has just finished chemo and I thought I'd buy her a Chanel compact as a gift so this week I nipped into town and went to Debenhams. Sure enough the Chanel counter was empty and as I hovered by the make up the same women from Clarins came over. I asked her for a gift wrapped compact and she asked if I could come back cause the Chanel lady was on lunch...she didn't recognise me... I felt really weird, but anyway I told her I came in especially so could she help me.... and she clearly didn't want to; she told me she couldn't wrap it but could put it in a bag.

I wanted to say to her 'It's me, Chanel compact girl who buys one for everyone, I got married at christmas remember...' but the words didn't come out of my mouth, she clearly had no idea who this woman 'in a scarf and cap' with 'no make-up on' was. And as I paid and walked away, I felt really sad.

Sorry, this really has been a depressing week for blog posts, but I can only get it out of my head if I write it down. I'm going to wait until I'm well and my hair grows back and I'm going to trot into Debenhams and buy myself a Chanel compact and see if she recognises me again, looking normal.

If she doesn't recognise me, I think i'll feel better.

The Chip....

Since the blood clot scare I'm a changed women.

Gone is the "It's only cancer I'll get through it" and "I'm going to raise £1m for Cancer Research" positivity.

It's been replaced with "I don't want to talk about cancer anymore, ever".

The blood clot scare has knocked me for 6. I spent those 15 hours or so of waiting for my scan worrying that I was going to die, I just can't think positively anymore. I think it's starting to hit me, I'm dealing with cancer here, its bloody serious. My poor body is being put through hell with chemo and is fighting to get back to normal and then gets knocked down again... and it frightens me that maybe my body will give up. It's taking a beating and little things like clots and infections could have serious effects on my body's recovery.

I never really though that I was 'fighting against cancer'.

But I do now.

So I've spent a good few days realising that I'm petrified and all of the 'why me?' questions keep surfacing.

There's a big chip on my shoulder, my sense of humor has gone. I can't talk about cancer in the same blasé way anymore. I am bitter, angry that it's happening to me. I'm not sure if I want to try to raise £1m. I want to forget cancer and just be me again.

I've not had a chance to be Katherine Bown yet. 6 months ago I was Katherine Formosa, then the moment I became Katherine Bown, I got diagnosed with a life threatening illness. I want my life back, I want to enjoy being married and I just want this nightmare to be over.

I don't want to catch up with friends I've not seen in a while, I can't bear to talk about 'it' anymore. I can't pretend I'm being strong and positive.

I just need some space.


The hub is coming home next week, I know he'll fix me.

Blood Clot Scare

Oh Sh*t, what a bloody scare!

Last Wednesday I woke up with a pain in my right calf. I didn't think anything of it as I was still comatozed by chemo. My dad picked me up to spend the day with them as I'd not been in close contact with them for a week and by now the risk of catching scarlet fever had gone. So I sat in their garden chatting and then after lunch I went for a 4 hour snooze. When I woke up my calf was really painful and my dad suggested I ring the on-call chemo nurse to see what medication I could take to help ease the pain. Well geez, I explain how I felt, she told me she wanted to speak to a dr and would call back...and with that...10mins later she's telling me to go straight to A&E for a DVT scan!

So my dad and I whizzed down to the hospital in a daze and I thought maybe they were over-reacting to what I thought was just a dead leg from being in my chemo coma on the sofa for the past few days. And once I saw a dr, that's when I started to get frightened.....

We got to the hospital about 4.30pm and they explained that there was no-one to do a DVT scan as the last scan is at 4pm and the next scan was at 9am...the dr is telling me this with a seriously worried look on his face and is wiping his sweaty brow... he stared to think out loud to himself but going back to "there's no-one here to do the scan". Meanwhile I'm turning green with worry wondering why the dr is panicking and why there's no-one around to scan my leg, surly being a huge city hospital and with risks of clots after 4pm there must be someone? surely?

So the dr went off to call another dr and they decide to contact my cancer hospital to see what type of blood thinning injection they can give me whilst I'm undergoing chemo, as I can't have the normal treatment (forgot to mention, this dr can't speak English too well which is making me panic even more as he couldn't spell the cancer hospital and kept asking me the name of it and then was trying to spell it on his hand....which means he'd not heard of the cancer hospital... which means he's never dealt with a cancer patient in Cardiff... are you with me on how worried and stressed I am at this point!)

The next thing I know a Simon Pegg lookalike nurse came in to try to explain to me what's going on as I'm sure he noticed my greeness and eyes scanning the room in fear. He told me that they were worried I had a blood clot in my leg, that there was no-one to do the scan and they weren't sure if they could give me any blood thinning drugs... so basically there was a chance that there was nothing they could do until 9am the next morning... but obviously they couldn't do that, so him trying to help just made me worry even more. I just wanted to scream.

The hub is in South Africa, I couldn't call him and worry him but I was really scared at this point that I had a clot in my leg and from the reaction of the medical staff, this was serious stuff. I started to cry and I could feel my teeth clenching, I couldn't believe what was happening.

Then the 'not so good at speaking English' dr came into the booth and told me that they could give me an injection but they'd have to make it up from measuring my height, weight and then do the maths to see how much of this drug I needed.

Simon Pegg then came in to explain that even if I did have a clot, the injection would see me through until the morning in time for my scan as I was worried (and being overdramatic but they did scare the pants off me!) that I was going to die overnight.

I took the injection, in the stomach, 2 of the f*ckers and they were bloody painful and have left lovely bullet holes in my belly. But it was a great relief to know that I wasn't being sent back home to die of a clot whilst the DVT scanner dr's were prob in the pub (I still can't believe there was no-one until the next morning who could do a DVT scan!! What do we pay our taxes for???)

Well that night I slept about 2 hours then woke up worried that the injection might not have worked and I might die. It was a boiling hot night and I wasn't sure if I was sweating with fear or the heat. Looking back now I know I was being over dramatic but the hospital staff really scared me, and I just kept on thinking 'sods blimin law I die of a blood clot and my hub will hate me forever for making him carry on life as normal and going on the Lions tour'. Things are always so much worse when you're lying in bed worrying!

Anyway, the next morning my parents took me back to the hospital for my scan. I didn't realise it would be a 'top of the leg to toe' scan so I had to strip off which I hate doing as I can be a bit shy with showing a bit of flesh..but anyway... double mortified: as I lay down and the dr removed the paper towel from my waist to do the top of the leg (the very top) scan I noticed that I'd put my thong on the wrong way.... the crotch part was across my thigh and it was all twisted....

I don't know if the dr noticed but that 60 seconds of her performing the scan at the top part of my leg was mortifying! I'd gotten dressed so quickly that morning that I hadn't noticed, I've never done that before and I was so so embarrassed. I tried to cover myself with the blue paper towelling but it wasn't enough. So ashamed :-(

Anyway, there was no clot. Nothing at all. The dr put it down to dehydration and bad circulation and told me to walk around more after chemo instead of just lying horizontal.

Now if only there was a DVT scanning dr available the previous evening, I'd have no worried, not needed the bullethole injections, not had a sleepness night, definitely not had the embarrassing thong incident and saved myself and my parents some serious panic....

Chemo Number 4...The Knock Out

If I was fighting against chemo in a boxing match, I'd have a ref counting from 1-10 as I lay on the floor.

Chemo 4 was a knock out, I was completly wacked!

It didn't help that my mum couldn't take care of me. She'd been in London all week visiting my sister and my poor little niece got scarlet fever whilst my mum was there which meant my mum couldn't come near me for 4 days after returning. So my friends came in shifts to take care of me which was fun although I mainly slept all the way through it.

My mum would come to visit me by standing a few metres away from the front door outside and I'd be standing a few metres away from the front door inside and we'd chat, it made me cry one day cause I just wanted to hug my mum. Father's Day was the worst, my mum and dad came to visit and again stood in the street (at this point my dad was also at risk of being a carrier of the fever) and when they left I felt so upset that I couldn't even give my dad a Father's Day hug :-(

I think that people who come through chemo should get a medal, or maybe a knighthood. Or even better, a few letters after their name! I'd be 'Katherine Bown IBDI'. Only those who have experienced it can truly understand how gruelling it is, and to come to the end of it must be an amazing feeling, I can't wait to finish and hope that I never have to go through it again, I don't think I'd have the strength.

By the way, the fancy letters at the end of my name stands for 'I Bloody Did It'. I really think that I'll feel a sense of achievement when I finish chemo. I've never climbed Everest, ran a marathon or wrestled crocodiles, but getting through chemo.... to me that's going to be the greatest achievement in my life and I'm going to be proud of myself for that!

Please Don't Put the Words 'Cancer' and 'Just Died' in the Same Sentence...Please!

Why is it that when people hear about my cancer experience, they feel the need to tell me about the people they know who have just died from it?

How bloody insensitive!

I know it happens and I know that it must be horrendous to lose someone to cancer but I'm in the middle of chemo, I don't want to know that someone you know has just died from breast cancer.

It all started the day after my first chemo when the hub and I went to a wedding in West Wales. Someone who I've never met before but had heard that I was 'the one with the cancer' at the wedding decided to tell me about his mum who died of cancer last year...I have no problem in hearing that, I find it weird that people need to tell me but anyway we started chatting about it and he continued to tell me that it wasn't actually cancer that killed his mum; after her 1st chemo she got an infection which turned into a virus which turned into pneumonia...and that killed her.

Why o' why would I want to hear that story... I actually laugh about it now in shock that someone felt the need to tell me that.

And then at the hairdressers when I had to get the fringe on my wig trimmed, the hairdresser started to tell me that his grandad recently died of cancer and his words were "and we were all so shocked as he was so fit and healthy!" WHAAAAT! Tell me that he smoked 100 a day and was 50stone, not that he was fit and healthy and still died! What am I supposed to respond to that with? It's bloody hilarious!

I'm not sure if people are being insensitive or they think that they're helping by telling me tragic cancer stories but please stop.

The reason that I'm writing this is because the last straw happened this week, a friend of mine emailed me with the subject line: Cancer (a shocker in itself) and told me that her friends mum has just died of breast cancer a few weeks ago and now her friend has got it...

again, what am I supposed to respond to that with...

Its a shocker, I honestly thought people would be more sympathetic about it and would only want to tell me survival stories to lift my spirits, not tell me about people who die, it's not fair, it's bloody scary and it's definitely not helping me get through this.

So in future, not just to me, but please be more sensitive to people who are battling their way through cancer. Once they hit remission and have been given their survival rate...if its a good prognosis then tell them your tragic death stories, but if its not good, don't kill their own hopes of survival...please....

An Update of Bits and Bobs...

It didn't seem to make any sense that the hub is off on the lions tour and I'd not seen a game yet as we don't have Sky Sports. For the past few weeks I've been watching the teletext updates during the game like a saddo, that gives 5 minute updates on who's doing what (It HAS to be one of the most boring ways to watch sport ever!).

Anyway, last Sunday I had the genius idea of getting Sky Sports for 1 month so that I can watch the game and was delighted that they offered it to me half price! So this Wednesday I watched my first 'real' Lions game with my girlfriends and a bottle of champagne, totally fabulous...especially as they kicked some butt... so exciting! I also wore the special gift that my 2 friends Nicole and Mel bought me which was a Lions shirt with Bown on the back...so cute! And I love it!!

This was the start of a gift extravaganza this week as Thursday my cousin and his girlfriend came for dinner and they'd bought me a huge goody bag of girlie treats including a hot water bottle, snuggly socks, moisturising hand gloves, Galaxy chocolate, lotions, potions and herbal tea (which my cousin's girlfriend had researched to see what treats i'd need during chemo...again so cute!).

And then the most bonkers of gifts arrived through the post this week... a Wonderwoman towelling robe to give me super powers during chemo which arrived from my friend Julie. It has to be one of the cleverest gifts ever and I'll let you know if it does really give me super powers!

Hey, this chemo stuff isn't too bad on the gifts front...I've recieved flowers, cupcakes, magazine subscriptions, pink wig, head scarves, loads of chocolate, manicures, Molton Brown goodies.... its brill!!

Today I had a pooey day of having 'another' tooth infection so I'm on antibiotics and also 3 cold sores have appeared on my bottom lip (which is weird, I thought you had to catch coldsores...so who did I catch them from to have 3 on my bottom lip???!!!!) so it's been an evening of lying on the sofa feeling sad and sorry for myself. But I've just now cracked open the Galaxy chocolate, am wearing the moisturising white hand gloves and the lions shirt and also the wonderwoman dressing gown... it's so rock and roll for a Friday night!

Mouth Sores

I had to go to the dr's yesterday.

Throughout the day my throat seemed as though it was swelling from the inside and it was so painful when I swallowed and not to be too rude...but everyone does it....when I burped (am such a lady!) it bloody hurt!

I assumed it was a throat infection and I'd be sent on my way with a dose of antibiotics. So I was completely surprised that the dr said I had a huge sore at the back of my tongue!

I've heard of mouth sores after chemo, and last month I did get them inside my cheeks which was a pain but bearable, but this monstrous sore had grown at the back on my tongue just touching my throat and it horrible.

And to make it worse (seriously.... I need a break here!!) I got another one on the other side of my tongue today.

I feel battered and bruised, am so so fed up. Hopefully I may get a normal day soon, a day when I just feel fine.

Hmph... to just be normal again...I'll never complain that my life is boring...I'll never complain that I wish I had something I don't, in fact I don't want to ever wish for anything. I want to be content with what I have; if I've got my hair, a normal weight and my health... that's all I want back...

Oh and my hub,
(4 weeks till he's home!)

16lbs

I have officially put on 16lbs since my first chemo.

Is it the steroids?
Is it the fact that I can't move for a whole week whilst in chemo coma?
Or is it that I'm eating so bloody healthy that sod's law is turning all the fruit and veg into sugar and I'm getting fat?

I have 3 more chemo's to go. So that means another potential 16lbs! So I predict that I could actually put on 32lbs whilst having chemotherapy.

Oh my god. That’s loads.

The hub is back in a month, he may not recognise me when he gets back. I'll be a bald overweight lump.

Vanity has stricken and I simply can't get any bigger. I can feel my own body weight, that must sound weird but when I walk around I feel heavy. It actually feels like I'm wearing a fat suit but I can't take it off. This may be the most I've ever weighed.

The problem is that I have no energy to exercise; I'm eating really healthy so I don't know what else to do. I can't eat less cause I need to keep my body strong and I can't go to the gym because I'll either fall asleep on the treadmill or collapse.

16lbs, I can't believe it. That's like carrying a rucksack of potatoes!

Bloody Lightbulb

I can't change the lightbulb.

My arms ache too much trying to reach.

It's so bloody frustrating that I have to sit and cry about the fact that I can't change the lightbulb.

Why doesn't someone invent 'something' so that people having chemo who can't have their arms in the air long enough to change a lightblub can just sit on sofa, extend this 'something' that will reach and change a lightbulb for them.

There's nothing, I just looked on Amazon.

I have to call my dad.

Chemo Number 3... What the...!!!

Ok so the usual routine goes like this... chemo on a Friday...wipe out till Thursday... so yes this was the case with chemo number 3; Friday I had chemo at my parents house as the hub is far away in South Africa (doing very well I must add!!) so I packed my bag and camped out at my parents for the ‘chemo coma’ week. Thursday came and home I went feeling much brighter, able to do work and sigh a deep breath of relief that I made it through another chemo.

I was looking forward to a friend’s wedding reception on Friday evening and then a hen weekend on Saturday and Sunday where the theme was very 'rah' of an Ascot Ladies Day with fancy hats and champagne, just perfect. So I'd gotten my outfit ready for that and looked forward to a fun filled weekend of feeling human again... however...

Friday morning I woke up feeling extremely tired and I made my way slowly downstairs where I just flopped on the sofa in a 'hungover' sort of way. Lying on the sofa I planned the day of meeting a friend for a walk around the park and then a pamper day of getting ready for the wedding reception with a trip to the salon to get my nails done. As I peeled myself off the sofa I attempted to go back upstairs to take a shower and I was conscious of my slow movement and how out of breath I was walking up the stairs. Showering felt like it took an hour, brushing my teeth made my arm ache and by the time Natalie arrived to pick me up I was shattered. We decided that I was too tired to walk around the park so we went to a pub and I ordered a fresh orange juice but for some very strange reason the orange juice brought on a salty taste in my mouth and I feel nauseas and just needed to go to sleep, so I went home.

All I could do was lie on the sofa in an ill state feeling weak and sick. My head was so excited about going out that evening but my body had no chance of moving, even walking to the toilet felt like I was walking a marathon, something was wrong and it started to scare me....

I rang the chemo nurse and explained what was happening, my temperature was normal and she explain that as the course of chemo went on, I'd get more and more tired... I couldn't believe it, the day earlier I was fit and healthy and today I felt like I'd climbed Mount Everest with a bag of Saxa in my mouth. I sat on the stairs and I cried.

I cried for about an hour in self pity knowing that I couldn't make it to the wedding reception. I knew that just getting ready would tire me out, I'd no way be able to be sociable. And the hen weekend... my glorious pink extravaganza of a hat wouldn't see the light of day, so would remain in the carrier bag whilst my body lay frozen on the sofa.

Whilst crying on the stairs I texted a friend to ask her to make my apologies for the hen do, I felt too sad to call her and definitely too sad to tell the hen that I couldn't make it. I also texted my friends to say I couldn't make the wedding party that evening and just sat there slumped on the stairs crying and blowing my nose and just wishing that I had the energy to stand up.

Then Becca, my work colleague and neighbour rang the doorbell. After a welcomed hug and 30minutes of me blubbing she decided to set up camp in my lounge and stay for the night making sure I ate, let out all the tears and eventually have some fun.

We watched movies, chatted, laughed and she left the next day at 7pm. It was just what I needed; otherwise I'd have been blubbing all Friday night knowing I was missing the party and blubbing all Saturday and Sunday knowing I was missing the hen do... so she's a saint for staying with me, missing the wedding party herself and just being a fab friend as always.

Chemo is bloody hard and unpredictable. I assume it’s going to get worse but I’m halfway with my sessions with only 3 more left to go. I dread every one of them, especially knowing that I’m going to get more and more tired. It’s so frustrating but I am half way, I feel good getting there but also feel dread that I am ‘only’ just half way. The mountain I have to climb is huge and I’ve still got a long way to go...

Race for Life

From left to right, Aunty Mary, Mum and Aunty Tina

The first race for life was today. My mum, aunts, friends and friends of friends embarked on the trek across Blackweir Fields in the boiling heat to raise money for my million pounds challenge. At 11am when the race began I lay on the sofa in my chemo coma and shed a tear for the pride of these people doing it for me.

That afternoon I recieved a text from my friend Nat who said: "I did it for you Kath, I ran the whole way and cried loads, was really emotional"

I'm so lucky, I have amazing friends and family and it doesn't stop there, I have more friends running the race for life, others running half marathons, my friend Neil organising a charity film premiere and other various events throughout the year.

If you're running race for life, or any sporting event and would like the money donated to the million pounds challenge for cancer research, please get in touch with me: katherine@urbantraffic.co.uk

Wigs and Banana Skins...

Well I'd recommend a short break with a group of friends to everyone. 6 days of non-stop laughing was just what I needed to feel alive again.

Sunbathing was out of the question...too hot and worried that I'd get sunburn, so most of the holiday was spent on the balcony munching crisps, bottles of water and laughing so much that I think I've returned with a 6 pack!

Luckily there was no embarrassing 'wig at the airport' stories however there were a few 'wig scares' whilst on holiday...

Day 4 of holiday, my friend Louise and I made our way down to the beach restaurant to indulge in an ice-cream whilst our other 2 friends were having a siesta. After our ice-cream we ordered a cup of tea and I decided to nip off to the loo. Now at this beach restaurant I didn't notice that the inside area was partitioned off by a very long patio door... so as I walked into the restaurant, I tripped on the patio door runner, flat on my face and as I lifted myself up onto all fours I noticed my knee was bleeding and that split second fear that my wig was half way off my head exposing my baldness... luckily I touched my wig and it seemed intact, so I gracefully walked over to the bar, asked where the toilet was and went inside and felt so relieved that my wig was still on! Phew...

and then, Day 5, a shopping trip into the city, whilst walking past the beautiful cathedral I slipped...on a banana skin... what are the odds! I thought that only happened in the Beano! And Again, flat on my face, sheer panic of my wig half off my head as Spaniard people gasped in horror... but phew... wig intact! My knee started bleeding again but my wig... super sticky 'stay on forever' wig deserves a round of applause!

Apart from those 2 silly incidents, I did have a rather embarrassing wig experience with the cleaner... one morning I went out into the hallway to ask the cleaner for fresh sheets, whilst wearing my wig... and then later that day she knocked on the door, me wigless and gave me the sheets with a strange look on her face... blimin wig.

I’m not ‘there’ yet to be bald and proud, and I’m not ‘there’ yet to see people’s reactions to seeing me bald. My wig is great, but I can’t wear it all the time, its itchy and hot. Maybe I’ll just glue it onto my head?!

Sun, Sea, Sand....and Wigs

Ok so Thursday morning, I'm off to Palma with 3 friends of mine. I've not packed but I think I know what I'm taking; Factor 50 sun lotion (I've only ever gone up to factor 15 when I was in the Maldives so Hub, are you reading? ... am taking Factor 50 to make sure I don't burn, get ill, and you have to come home!), a big hat, kaftans and flip flops. That's all I need. Oh and a wig for the evenings!!

I'm debating wearing the wig for travelling. It gets itchy and its heavy and as I've said before, I enjoy 'being undercover' but I'm not sure if i'll feel suspicious in my wig and draw attention to myself! But then do I want the embarrassement of wearing a scarf and cap and have to remove them at the bag scanning section.... now way, i'd be mortifed.

It's a toughie.

Or maybe I can just wear my wig the whole holiday, I've had hair before, so I don't know why it feels so weird in a wig. I can wash it when I shower every day and put it back on... hmmmm.... am not sure what to do.

See, dealing with cancer is tough enough, but dealing with cancer and trying to look healthy and well in spain is another thing...

The Lion

For those who don't know... a few weeks before our lives were turned upside down... the hub got 'the' phone call for the British Lions tour this year. Now those in the know, know. But those not in the know listen here... the British Lions rugby tour is the best of the best and if you're picked to go, it means that you're the best at what you do, it's an honour to be chosen to represent your country. So the hub being selected to go means that he's reached the pinnacle of his career.... now how can we let cancer get in the way of that!

So some might think it's weird that he's gone, he in fact was going to pull out of going as soon as I was diagnosed but I wouldn't let him, and I don't care what anyone thinks; my husband has achieved something so amazing and that makes me the proudest wife - I'm wasn't prepared to look back on this in years to come and know that he didn't go because I had cancer, him going to the South Africa is proving that we're beating it, cancer hasn't ruined our lives. We currently count our time in chemo sessions, he's only away for 2 chemos and I've had 2 chemos so far and they've flown by, so in 2 chemos time he's back home...

And I've planned loads of things to do whilst he's away; a girle retreat to Spain, caravan weekend in West Wales, a friends hen weekend, visting my sister in London, dinners, lunches, spa days... there's not a weekend free until he's back...

So, Saturday morning with his passport in his pocket, the hub kissed me goodbye; he was heading off to a training camp near London, and me... I was off to Bristol to stay with my cousin to cry, eat comfort food and watch the Eurovision.

I know the time will fly now that he's gone, and I know it's really hard for him being away so I want to make sure he doesn't worry, which means that I have to keep healthy and strong.

Vitamins, fruit and juice, at the ready...!

Chemo Number 2.... Check!

Am back.

Chemo number 2 was a weird one. No sickness, phew. I just felt like I'd swam the Bristol Channel, and drank it! I was exhausted, too exhausted to get up; my arms ached, I felt dizzy going upstairs and my mouth tasted of sea water. But no sickness, and I am grateful for that.

My hair is still falling out although its shaven so it's little bits. And the tips from my chemo nurse;

1. Put a silky nightie on your pillow so that my head won't get sore when sleeping. Genius!
2. Get some rosemary oil and a carrier oil (preferrably grapeseed but you can use baby oil or even olive oil) and rub it on your head to stop it getting dry. Double Genius!

Those with culinary skills know that olive oil and rosemary is a good rub for roast lamb...so if you don't have any grapeseed or baby oil and you rub olive oil in your head along with the rosemary oil... you end up smelling like roast lamb... and that's how I smelt... for 2 days!

And i did have tears one morning when I woke up; I looked in the mirror and my face was so dry from the chemo, my lips were cracked, I had a shaven head with patches of baldness and my face was swollen from the steroids...I didn't recognise myself anymore. It was frightening.

But remembering what my sister said... "a bit of make-up" and that's what I did, and I felt so much better!

Anyway, am through the 2nd chemo. And next week I'm going on a relaxing holiday with 4 of my friends for the long bank holiday weekend... when I'm back... chemo number 3..... but it won't be so bad... I won't look so ill with a suntan!

Cupcakes

I know I shouldn't be online after having chemo but I needed to put this in because it's completely brightened my day.

Whilst having chemo, which incidentally went horrible... the first chemo felt like my arm was burning, the second chemo felt like my arm was frozen and was going to fall off and the third chemo felt like i'd been punched in the arm and it was numb. Not good.... anyway, during chemo number 1, the doorbell rang and my hub brought in a parcel addressed to me, which is exciting in itself!, and he opened it for me and inside was a beautiful red box tied with ribbon and inside that were 9 brightly coloured cup cakes! 

What a fabulous gift and what brilliant timing! 

So we ate them, all, well there's 1 left (well I had to eat them as I'll be feeling ill in a few hours and for the whole week so I couldn't put them to waste!) And they were the most delicious cakes, the sponge was like fluff!

I want to thank Jess and Chris and the girls for sending them. It really turned a horrible situation into a lovely morning and the timing couldn't been better. 

So now, as the hub is making a cup of tea I'm going to indulge in the last cupcake before the illness really kicks in!

Tooth Ache & Chemo & Head Shave... Oh My!

Chemo day... and I woke up with horrendous toothache. Why o' why does my body wish to punish me so badly!

Luckily, my dentist who knows about the peanut sized tumor has been amazing and has seen me at the drop of a hat to help with anything. So off I went at 9am to the dentist who removed the scuzz from my infected tooth and injected me with anti-bacterial fluid to help with the swelling and soreness.

Next door to the dentist was a barber shop, Grooms. Now earlier this morning I woke up to another pillow of hair and also more patches of baldness and I didn't want to be lying in a pool of my own hair whilst I'm in my chemo coma of sickness. So I entered the barbers...

Of course, a girl going into a barbers turns heads and especially as there was no Reception desk so I just had to say to the barber whilst they were mid-cut of someone's hair "My hair has started to fall out and I was hoping you could shave my head" I was mortified.

Anyway, they sat me down and proceeded to shave it off. I told them about the big C and how upsetting it was to lose my hair and then I was surprised that the other barber said that she had cancer 6 years ago and sympathised with me. Off came all my hair and then the tears followed, along with tears from the man getting his hair cut...bless.

But its off, and they wouldn't take any money off me which is so lovely and I received hugs of all the staff and I even gave a kiss on the cheek to the man that had tears streaming down his face as they cut his hair. Oh geez, doorbell...chemo nurse is here... I can't finish my blog and I won't be online until about a week's time....

Wish me luck!

Chemo Number 2

Oh joy... it's that time again... cleaning in panic to make sure the house is sparkling for chemo...

I think we've cleaned the house more for chemo than when we have guests coming round!

I had my blood tests today to see if I have enough white blood cells to be able to have chemo. I was really worried as I've booked a relaxing girlie holiday for 2 weeks time but if I failed my tests it'd mean that I couldn't go... and I passed! Rock on... and bring on the suntan lotion!

Hair is now horrendous. Patchy baldy bits on my head but at least the soreness has gone. I found a birthmark on my head that I've never seen, obviously as i've never been bald before. But that's sort of cool... finding someone out about myself that I never knew.

So yes, I. Am. Dreading. Chemo. Tomorrow.

But I'm sure nothing can be as bad as it was last time... surely?

Tonight, the hub and I were going to go out for dinner but am so tired, my head is sweaty from hiding behind a cap and I just fancy a takeaway, a good dvd and an early night.

Fingers crossed my next post will be how easy this chemo session was! But if not, it's still 2 down and only 4 to go!

Patchy

Well I woke up this morning to find most of my hair on the pillow. My head still hurts and I've still got loads of hair but as the day's gone by... I now have 3 bald patches on my head.

I cried this morning, just out of self pity. It's so horrible having to experience it falling out so slowly. I wish that if it was going to all-fall-out, to just all-fall-out. Not to punish me with tufts coming loose and having to pick them up off the floor.

Anyway, today I wore a hat, all day. Even indoors. Tomorrow, who know's what'll be left.

I can hear the hub hoovering the bedroom as I'm typing this. Knowing that it's late and we're going to go to bed he's picking up the loose hairs so that I don't get upset when I go to bed.

Thank god for hubs! I hope he still loves me if I wake up with hair like Phil Mitchell in the morning!

Bad Head

My head is so painful. I'm not sure if its dry skin irritating the hair fall out or its just the hair fall out. Eitherway, its painful.

So much, that I can't sleep at night, I'm waking up in the early hours and lying in bed with my sore head. I've tried moisturing my head but its not working :-(

I've been showering but not getting my hair wet in case that made it worse, but yesterday the hair was looking a bit greasy so I decided to wash it with baby shampoo... OMG! Tears! It was the most painful experience. No-one told me it would be like this, in fact the hub and I Googled chemo hair loss pain and nothing came up. Surely I can't be the only person experiencing this!

If any of you know anyone who's had chemo that causes hairloss, please get in touch as I don't know what to do. Should I shave it, should I leave it and how can I stop the pain :-(

Lois Lane

Wearing a wig is so exciting!

I found a fab wig in Bristol and also bought a few bandanas and hats although I did have tears in Urban Outfitters when I tried on a bandana and I looked like I was bald underneath, that scared me... but its going to happen, very soon too as the hair is slowly dropping out. But I'm lucky that I have loads of hair so it still looks the same even though its crumbling away from my head all day.

Anyway, I wore the wig to the hen party at a dim sum restaurant and I had a blast! Arriving was a bit scary as my work friends hadn't seen my wig but getting ready; I felt like I was about to embark on a secret mission and it felt really exciting! The reason is that I've never had a real fringe, and my wig has a full fringe and is bob length with flicky-outy bits, its fab, so I looked completely different!

And the response was good, especially as I got cold feet about wearing it before leaving the house and then my friend Becki came over and commented on how fab it was (and she's the true test, Becki can't lie, she's too brutally honest and in these situations, I need the truth!) so I felt great!

It did start itching after a few hours and I was relieved to take it off in the car home but I think i've got the bug, more wigs need to be purchased for undercover nights out... ooh maybe i'll get a fake moustache and beard too!

Losing my Head

Ok well not my head, but my hair!

Last night I was at my friend Jo's catching up with news whilst her fiance cooked us a fabulous meal. Throughout the evening I felt a weird sensation in my head; ladies you know when you've been wearing a ponytail and then you release your hair and you have that 'tight' feeling, it's exactly that!. My hair is super short (in fact its so short that I've named myself 'Pedro' as without make-up I look like a Spanish boy!) so I knew instantly that it was the right sensation for my hair to fall out and it felt bloody scary.

So when I got home, I told the hub and we lay in bed chatting about how i'd look without hair and how worried I am about losing my eyebrows and lashes. When we were so zonked that I went to go and turn off the light, I looked at my pillow and there it was, my 4cm strands of hair on the pillow. I was shocked at how quickly it fell out. And as I tried to get to sleep I couldn't find a comfortable position to lay in because my head was so uncomfortable.

This morning when I woke up, I expected to find my whole head of hair on the pillow and I'd look in the mirror and collapse in tears...but when I looked at the pillow, there was 1 strand of hair! Hurrah, I still looked normal!

So today I'm getting a train to Bristol and am going wig shopping with my cousin Chris. He'll be brutally honest with me if I try something on, love it and really look like a man in drag. So i'm excited to go, am just waiting for my train and hopefully I'll return with a fabulous wig that I can wear tomorrow evening at a friends 'oriental' hen do. If not then I'll just have to have a bandana in my handbag incase my hair decides to fall out over my Dim Sum!

The First 'Gathering'

The wedding was amazing! We had a bit of a nightmare in the morning an hour before we were due to leave... when I realised that there was a black tie dress code and that my husband didn't have a tux... oops.... so at 8.30am he whizzed into Cardiff and bought one! Amazing how men can just do that; no fuss, it fits, lets go!

But anyway, we made it to West Wales on time to witness a wonderful ceremony and I was really moved when the priest announced that the bride and groom wanted to do a collection for a charity close to their hearts...my million pounds challenge! And in the 3 minutes it took the choir to sing a lovely song and the ushers to collect the donations, the wedding guests had raised £368.65!!

I did feel a little paranoid that people were looking at me and wondering if I was the one with cancer, but that's something i'll always feel. This wedding was the first 'gathering' i'd been to since i was diagnosed and although i was very excited about going, i did wonder if the big flickering C would be over my head all day. I used to be 'Kath who's got urbantraffic.co.uk' then it was 'Kath who's marrying Chewy (the hub's nickname!)' and now i'm 'Kath, the one who's got cancer' and i hate that. I don't ever think it'll every go away. I'll soon be know as 'Kath the one who had cancer' and that'll be with me for life.

But anyway, at least i made it there, i did need a rest halfway through the day; my body was just so fatigued that i could've dropped my face in the cheesecake and slept right there at the table! So after a 2 hour rest i got out of bed, dressed again and partied till the early hours :-)

A Mini Adventure....

....well you're the first to know... I've just come back from a long and boring evening at the hospital....

Today I woke up with a bad headache, an iffy belly and a horrible acidy feeling in the back of my throat. The acidy feeling has been there for a few days but it started to burn when I swallowed fluid. We were due to go to West Wales this evening as we've got a wedding tomorrow but you know when you just don't feel well enough to leave home... 

Anyway,  to save on waffling, after a few phone calls and a check of my temperature (which was 37.99!) the hospital asked me to go in and to pack an overnight bag in case I needed to stay in. So off we went and I had blood tests, a heart xray and various other tests to see if i'd had an infection and phew phee after a long wait... it's all clear. 

Fab news, because if they had kept me in i'd have escaped through the window to make sure I get to this wedding! I need it, I need to see my friends, I need to have some drinks, I need to dance to some cheese and I need to just bloody enjoy myself! It's been ages and I'm so excited! 

Back From the Dead...

morbid.. but that's exactly how I feel today. I am back. Alive and well and I feel so happy!

Friday, chemo day, was a very scary day. I remember crying in fear of what was about to happen to me. I'd read other blogs where people described chemo and it made me so scared but nothing can prepare you for what it's like...

Now I've thought long and hard about this and I'm worried that someone may read this who is about to start chemo and I don't want to worry anyone, but I've been totally honest in my blog and I can't make something so horrible sound fluffy...it's just not right...besides, everyone is different so some people may just sail through it...

So anyway, the chemo nurse arrived about 11.30am with what seemed like 6 comedy size syringes and a drip and I remember feeling my armpit quivering in fear as she slowly syringed the first one into my arm. She explained the different feelings of each chemo drug, but I just sat there not caring about the cold feeling in my veins, I just felt tense, wishing it would just be over. At 2pm, it was. And suprisingly I felt ok, I was probably relieved. The nurse did tell me that i'd be ill, feeling sick is one of the worst symptoms, but I wasn't ready for the following 8 hours of the worst night of my life...

I was sick, violently (sounds over dramatic but it's an exact account of how it was!), every 2 hours with the worst sicky feeling ever. My poor hub had to take me into hospital and I lay there, over 3 chairs waiting for hours for someone to inject me with something to help. Looking back I can now admit that I was scared I was going to die, that i'd been poisioned and that it was slowly killing me. That's a very frightening thought but I remained calm, just with my morbid thoughts to myself and I waited and waited for someone to help.

Help did arrive, at 12.20am when I recieved an injection and a bed in a freezing room with plastic pillows and a thin blanket. But I did feel relived that I was being helped and that they kept me in until I was okay.

What followed on from that day was nausea, tiredness and the ability to only eat salted flavoured foods including crisps, chips and crackers. My mouth went from a sickly watery taste to feeling like there was metal in my mouth and I ate ice-lollys to rehydrate.

But today when I woke up I felt great; brushing my teeth didn't leave a disgusting taste in my mouth, dizzy spells didn't follow me when I stood up and passing water was a 'normal' colour. So it's done, it's over, and I came through it. I have 5 more sessions to go but I'm going to be given a different dose of anti-sickness drugs so fingers crossed it won't be so bad. And my chemo Dr has assured me that I can't die from chemo, so that's good to know.

This has been a horrible blog post to write, but also I'm glad to be writing it because I know that it's over. Tomorrow is another day, another great day of feeling great and happy and that's wonderful!!

Getting Ready for Chemo...

I think the worry of chemo has brought on this virus.

Quite unattractively, I have more sores on my face and my lips feel really swollen (although I've always been paranoid that my top lip is a little thin so I am secretly enjoying the feeling of poofey lips!).

I had a trip to the dentist this morning so that I can have my teeth cleaned and injected with antibacterial fluid, it's to stop my gums getting infected during chemo when my immune system will be on the floor, so any more infections are just going to have to wait. I did feel a bit embarrassed that the dentist had to work around my cold sores, I'm sure I saw her wince when she looked closely into my mouth :-O

Also in my plans for getting ready for chemo, the hub is taking the afternoon off work tomorrow to clean our house top to bottom and get rid of every last bit of dust and woolice stuck in the corners of our carpet (why do woodlice go there to die?!) plus change the bedding and clean all our towels.

Meanwhile, my task for tomorrow is to get my nails done as instructed by my sister who bought me a french manicure for every chemo session; she insisted that its going to help me feel better during and after the horrible drugs. She also insists that I wear make up and dress nicely for the occasion...so I will. In fact I'll probably be the most glamorous patient the chemo nurse has ever seen and I will feel a little silly but I know my sister is right; wearing PJ's and no make-up is going to make me feel rubbish before the chemo gets a chance!

I also have to get it out of my head that its going to be a horrible experience. I'm really scared, chemo breaks all the rules that Mother Nature created, it just seems so wrong. I have visions of me lying in bed feeling sick and aching and not being able to do anything, I just hope that's not the case and it's not too bad. I just need to get this first session out of the way and hopefully I'll sail through it.

My cold cap arrives tomorrow, I'll wear it when I write my next blog post. I imagine its going to look like the ice-cube bags but with a strap to tie it up under your chin! If it's really naff, I'll take a pic and post it on here!

Oh and the biggie re: my prep for chemo... is getting my hair cut off again, this time really short, that's tomorrow too....

4,326....

....people have visited my blog since I launched it on 20th Feb.

If those 4,326 people donated just £2 to www.themillionpoundschallenge.co.uk ... well you do the maths...

C'mon people! Sacrifice a Starbucks and do something to make yourself feel good!

And to the 1,578 people that come back regularly to read my blog, please pass on the website address to keep the donations coming in!

Another Day....Another Virus....

Surely this can't be happening!!!! All I've had since I've come out of hospital from having my operation is infections followed by a course of anti-biotics.

I only finished the horrible pills last week, then I had a stomach bug (which I think I spread around the office...sorry girls!) and today I woke up feeling like those tigers have mauled me again, given me a headache, shook me till I had the shivers and stuck a cold sore on my lip.

The hub just rang me, he thinks I'm run down. Isn't it horrible whe people tell you that... "You're run down". I know I am. I've tried to act normal and work and live life as I did before cancer but I know my body isn't ready for all of this yet. And I hate being told that I've over done it. But I know I have. I just want to be well again.

So anyway, I need to rest some more. Especially as it's chemo week, I've got 3 days to get better in time for chemo.

I'm just sat on the sofa after changing the channel continulously until my thumb ached. I don't know how people can sit and watch David Dickenson cooing over glass bowls and garden gnomes and find it interesting? Daytime tv is rubbish. I think I'm going to get Sky TV whilst I'm off having chemo, I've ran out of films to watch and I'm one of those saddo's that can watch cookery shows all day every day...I do miss having Sky.

Right, I can tell I'm waffling. I need to go back to bed and rest....

Junk Food and Heros

That's it. That's all I've done since my last blog entry...was watch Heros and have take-aways..and I loved it!

After writing about below... our awful day, my hub drove me to Penarth Front where there's a little kiosk that does the best take-away Pizza in the world...Tony's. So we ordered our pizza and sat in the car and ate whilst looking out to the sea.

Wednesday, we had an Indian Takeaway (mainly because I've had a stomach bug and though it was a good idea to help get rid of it!).

Thursday...this is when the Hero fascination began....

Now those who know me know that I hate sci-fi or anything that makes me scared....I even had to stop watching Lost because I had to watch a few scenes through my fingers!!

But anyway, the hub took me to a lovely restaurant and we were so stuffed that we decided to have dessert at home and watch a film. We'd had the Heros series 1 for a while but I thought it sounded rubbish. But having nothing else to watch, we put on the first episode.

HOOKED!

We watch 3 episodes that night, then 4 the night after (after having a fish and chips takeaway). I did have to watch a few scenes through my fingers but I didn't care about feeling scared, it was the most exciting TV show i'd ever seen!

Went to watch the rugby on Saturday, got a Chinese on the way home and watched another 2 episodes..... and then Easter Sunday, shamefully... we woke up at 8.45am, thought we'd just 'watch a quick episode'...12 episodes later (and only eating chocolate eggs as we were too busy watching tv to made food!) we decided to shower and visit family.

Now I've never been addicted to anything before...but I felt myself twitching whilst sat in my mum's lounge. I was twitching because I needed to go home to find out what happened. Only 2 episodes left.... we left my mum's after an hour, made food and watched the last 2 episodes of the series.

Shameful eh! But it's been one of the best weekends i've ever had!

The only thing now is that I don't have a box set to watch whilst I'm in bed getting over chemo...any suggestions...??

Déjà Vu

I don’t really remember much of yesterday.

Apart from crying all day.

I do remember walking out of the hospital unable to control the tears pouring out my eyes and feeing conscious that the people walking towards the hospital were probably staring at me.

The hub and I had been for a fertility meeting which I though was just information about adoption or IVF after my 5 years of hormone reducing tablets. But when I got there, the Dr told us that I was eligible for the free embryo freezing which would help me with the worry I had about not being able to have children. The Dr explained that the embryo would be frozen and I could either have a surrogate mother to carry it for me which means we could have children very soon, or have the embryos after 5 years when I could carry them myself.

I was elated, and was so excited at the possibility of this.

But then she took it all away when she told me that they’d have to delay the chemotherapy and give me oestrogen to produce more eggs to make the embryos.

WHAT!!! ??? !!!

Hadn’t she looked through my notes to see that I was highly oestrogen positive and by injecting me with oestrogen…well she’d might as well just shoot me as it’d be a less painful death!

Her response was that if my surgeon had done a good job and got rid of the tumour that I’d be okay to have oestrogen.

WHAT!!! ??? !!!

Seriously, I felt like screaming at her “ARE YOU STUPID??”

As a Dr herself surly she would know that the reason for chemo and 5 years of hormone reducing tablets to lower my oestrogen levels was because of the fact that I may have other tumours lurking so it’d stop them fast in their tracks?? Well obviously not, and during this conversation I felt pressured by her to have my embryos frozen even though it could possibly make my cancer a whole lot worse. My surgeon, a specialist in this area had already told me that it was not worth taking the risk of having oestrogen to help with fertility.

I was devastated. We were devastated. Beyond belief.

It was a déjà vu of exactly how I felt 2 weeks ago when I was told about being oestrogen positive. I had already cried those tears, and already picked myself up and thought of the positives of getting better. And here I was again, realising that my dream of having my own child was a distant possibility.

So yeah, I can’t remember much of yesterday. After getting home I sobbed in bed and hid myself under a pillow away from the worries in my life.

I wish I could just delete yesterday from my mind. I am so angry at how my emotions are being played with. This cancer rollercoaster is loop-da-looping all over the place and I want to get off. It’s too much for me to handle…

..I know in a few days I’ll pick myself up and think positively again but for the time being, I need to hibernate again… and just hope that no-one else interferes with me just getting better and let me deal with the consequences at the end…

A Big Flickering 'C'

I'm sure sometimes it'd be better to have a bright flickering 'C' over my head to save the sheer...(i'm not even sure of the word...maybe humiliating...mortifying...you know what i mean!) annoying feeling of meeting people for the first time or bumping into people that don't know... and wish there was a sign to tell them that cancer is in my life.

The first time it happened was when I was at work and someone who I hardly see much, noticed that I chopped all my hair off. They commented on it looking lovely (yeah right!) and asked why I'd gone for such a dramatic hair cut. For about 10 long seconds I just stared above her head thinking of how I could politely explain that I'm getting ready for chemotherapy and that "IIIIII'VE GOOOOOOOOOT BLOOOOOODY BREEEEEEEAST CAAAAAANCEEEEEER!"

But all I could splurt out was... 'I've been ill'!

She just stared at me, for 10 long seconds, and I wondered if she wondered what illness I could possibly have that would make my hair shrink into a pixie cut!

It was one of the most akward moments of this whole experience. I just wanted a big claw to lift me up into the roof and drop me home so I could hide underneath my bed.

So I felt I had to tell her that I had breast cancer and I was preparing for chemotherapy.

What a bloody conversation killer eh!

And since.... its happend a few times; bumping into people I know who i've not seen in a while and are shocked that the Katherine-they-knew-who-used-to-always-have-long-hair had chopped it off into short crop, and why??

It's rubbish, cancer is rubbish and short hair is rubbish. And in a few weeks my hair will be gone, so I guess that's rubbish too. But then at least my hairless head will explain what's happening before anyone has a chance to ask "Katherine, I've not seen you for ages, why did you shave all your hair off??"

Surely that won't happen... Oh god, I hope not.....

2 Weeks Left of Normality

It's so surreal, I'm going to have chemotherapy.

Cancer has to be the weirdest experience of my life, well I so hope anyway. It catches me every now and then that I'm fighting against it.

Yes I can say the 'C' word today.

My emotions are up and down; one day I'm in self pity and I'm a snappy annoying whinger and I can't say Cancer as it makes me want to light sabre everyone's head off, and other days, like today, I don't care.

So yesterday was my chemotherapy consultation meeting. And after discussing it for over an hour, I decided to have the chemotherapy sessions at home. At first I thought it would be too weird having it at home; it's so intrusive bringing those toxic chemicals into our house, but then being told the length of the waiting list for chemo at the hospital, and the time it takes to have blood tests...then wait for the results, then having the results...then waiting for the chemo... takes hours! And by having it at home, it should be all over and done with in about an hour, and I can start in a few weeks.

So again, thank god for private health care for giving me that option!

Basically, that means that I have 2 weeks left of normality until 2014! - from the moment I start chemo for 18 weeks, and then radiotherapy for a few weeks and then 5 years of popping pills... I'll be fighting cancer.

But today, and over the next 2 weeks, I'm just me; no fighting against anything, no sickness and fatigue (apart from the 4 days left of these blimin antobiotics!), no hospital meetings...oh and enjoying a full head of hair!!

Pills n' Thrills

Bloody hell.

A trip to the dentist for what I thought was a filling coming loose, has evolved into a mouth and throat infection and a 7 day dose of Metronidazole. And to make it worse, 400mg twice a day of each annoying tablet.

Now I took this drug a few years ago, but only 200mg and it wiped me out for a week.

GIVE ME A BREAK!!!!!!!!

Is there someone 'up there' testing my patience because it's not working. I hate feeling wiped out. Although...maybe someone 'up there' is getting me ready for chemo? Ok, rant over, maybe its a good thing.

But still, I went to work today...I'm one of those saddo's that loves their job. It's only 4 days a week but the job is great and I work with a fab bunch of people. For such a huge company it's suprising how many people know each other, socalise together and have fun working together. So today was great and I felt human again and hoped to work all week from the office. But I know after taking the first tablet, I'm going to be stuck in bed. Still working though, my brain still needs to function! But none the less, stuck in bed.

It's also my friends hen weekend this weekend, so when I was diagnosed I pulled out of her fabulously bonkers burlesque weekend in Brighton. Am so gutted, the hen is one of the great party people in my life who loves a good drink of wine and gets the stained red teeth to prove it!

I know its going to be an amazing weekend but I know I wouldn't be able to enjoy myself with this big flickery 'C' on my head. So when we got invited to a housewarming party this Saturday I thought it was the perfect low-key and tame excuse for a good drink. In fact, the new lady of the manor found out about my big 'C' when in France so bought a bottle of Bollinger on her way back and told me that we'd devour it at her house warming.

But sod's bloody law, I'm on horse pills that I can't even sniff at alcohol without passing out, in fact I can't even drink 7 days after taking them. So great, no hen do, no house warming...

Roll on September. Hopefully this will all be over by then. Chemo meeting tomorrow so I'll find out my treament plan. I hope it's quick, painless and the 'C' is rid forever...

...who am I trying to kid!

ps. notice I can't say the 'C' word anymore. It's p*ssed me off too much....no kids for 5 years, no hen do and now...no bloody Bollinger!

Feeling Good

I think some people find it odd that I like to hibernate when I'm going through some problems but my theory is that I have to figure out my problems myself. I never want to be influenced on my feelings because then they aren't true.

So to me, there's nothing like some 'me' time, and I'm back feeling great!

The hub and I drove West and spent 5 fabulous days at his parents house. Whilst he worked I read every fashion mag (including Tatler and Vogue which I've never actually bought before!) and relaxed, it was blissful. And on the Friday we drove to every beach from his parents house to St. David's which was amazing. We talked, we laughed, I whinged and then the oddest thing happend....

Have you ever read the Celestine Prophecy? There's a section in there that describes coincidences; that when you 'bump' into someone in the oddest of places or thought about someone then happend to 'bump' into them, sometimes twice in 1 day...isn't a coincidence. The reason is that they have a message for you. Some might call this 'spiritual cr*p' but I love things like this, like I love the thought of the Da Vinci Code being true. But everyone is allowed their opinion and like many, you may think that having cancer has just made me a bit bonkers! but anyway...

As the hub and I were walking to visit the Cathedral in St. Davids, I saw a little girl, about 2yrs old, and she was wearing a a cute red coat, gorgeous little shoes and she was happily clip clopping along the path. With her was a lady who scooped her up in her arms and I felt a sudden pang of jealousy; would I ever get a moment with that with my own child? As we walked passed them, the lady called out to my husband and he recognised her as his good friend 'Tom's' mum and they started chatting. She told us that she fostered children and that the little girl with her was waiting to be adopted.

From that moment which was last Friday and ever since, I can't help thinking about that little girl. And about how many little cute children who were out there just waiting for someone to take them and make them feel loved.

I'd never really though about adpotion as an option. I'd joked about going to Mawai and doing what Madonna and Angelina have done....but didn't really mean it. But now I feel different. Maybe that's what my life has got planned out for me. That my role is to give a child a chance in life and adopt them from their troubled little lives. Maybe i'll go on to have children of my own, but for now I think its an option to adopt. Once my body has been through chemo etc.. and I'm fit and well enough, I think its a good option. I think that by adopting we'll enjoy the rewarding feeling of giving a child a new life and then if we're lucky to have our own...great, and if we couldn't have any in 5 years time, we'd have our adopted child so it wouldn't make any difference.

I wish I was well enough to try to adopt that little girl. But i'm sure there's a lovely family waiting for her. Maybe someone like me who has had a fright in life and just wants to grow a family and make her mark in life. But at least I know that the option is there...so today, I feel good.

Hibernating...

As I mentioned earlier today, I wanted to get away from everything. So my hub and I are travelling to his parents home which is a peaceful retreat with lovely beach walks. In fact the first time I went there it reminded me of Cockleshell Bay, if you're old enough to remember that tv show! Its small, quiet and mobile phones don't work there so it's a perfect place to go hibernate.

So that means that I'll be offline until Sunday when we're back, and hopefully I'll be feeling positive and ready to fight this again....

Numb....

...that's the only way I can describe how I felt this morning at 6am when I woke up and lay in bed until now, 8am. I just stared at the carpet thinking how this could happen to us, and why?

My tumor was oestrogen positive, or ER positive in medical terms, in fact my Dr's words were 'Strongly ER positive' which means that my raging hormones that my poor hub has has the pleasure of meeting once a month, have been feeding my tumor a feast!

So a 5 year plan is on the cards, so no planning for children for us for a while. I can't lie or pretend that I can get through this; I. AM. DEVASTATED.

I've never cried like I did last night...I don't think ever, in my whole life. The feeling was as though I had been punched in the stomach, the emotion was pure devastation. Our lovely new home, with the front bedroom that was undecorated and currently used as a junk room was for our children, the new car we were going to buy was going to be fit for a family...our whole life ahead of us after we got married was to have children...and now that's on hold for 5 years...and may never come. And I'll be spending the next 5 years wondering...and hoping...

Sorry for sounding so down, but my blog is my only way to say how I truly feel and I don't think about writing, I just write and then read it back and realise how I really feel.

But, I do have some wonderful children in my life that I can watch grow...my friend Nat has beautiful baby Max who comes to visit me every week, my friend Dag has Lucas, my 'ever so cheeky and ever so cute' godson and little giggly Holly, and my sister...well my niece is the most precious thing to me in the world and I actually cry when they leave to go back to London because I miss her so much! And my hub's niece and newphews...who live so close and we're usually too busy to see them... are the sweetest children...

So just by typing this I sort-of feel blessed that I have such amazing kids around me and will probably have more during those 5 years as my friends are slowly getting married and starting their own families. I guess I can spoil them all over the next 5 years and enjoy watching them grow without worrying about dirty nappies, or sleepless nights...

But for now, I need to hibernate, go somewhere, do something...I don't know. So to those who sent lovely texts and emails and facebook messages, I can't reply, I feel too sad and weird and I don't want to pretend that I'm okay. I just want to hide away for a bit to figure out how I'm going to get through this crappy situation that I still can't believe is happening to us...