Numb....

...that's the only way I can describe how I felt this morning at 6am when I woke up and lay in bed until now, 8am. I just stared at the carpet thinking how this could happen to us, and why?

My tumor was oestrogen positive, or ER positive in medical terms, in fact my Dr's words were 'Strongly ER positive' which means that my raging hormones that my poor hub has has the pleasure of meeting once a month, have been feeding my tumor a feast!

So a 5 year plan is on the cards, so no planning for children for us for a while. I can't lie or pretend that I can get through this; I. AM. DEVASTATED.

I've never cried like I did last night...I don't think ever, in my whole life. The feeling was as though I had been punched in the stomach, the emotion was pure devastation. Our lovely new home, with the front bedroom that was undecorated and currently used as a junk room was for our children, the new car we were going to buy was going to be fit for a family...our whole life ahead of us after we got married was to have children...and now that's on hold for 5 years...and may never come. And I'll be spending the next 5 years wondering...and hoping...

Sorry for sounding so down, but my blog is my only way to say how I truly feel and I don't think about writing, I just write and then read it back and realise how I really feel.

But, I do have some wonderful children in my life that I can watch grow...my friend Nat has beautiful baby Max who comes to visit me every week, my friend Dag has Lucas, my 'ever so cheeky and ever so cute' godson and little giggly Holly, and my sister...well my niece is the most precious thing to me in the world and I actually cry when they leave to go back to London because I miss her so much! And my hub's niece and newphews...who live so close and we're usually too busy to see them... are the sweetest children...

So just by typing this I sort-of feel blessed that I have such amazing kids around me and will probably have more during those 5 years as my friends are slowly getting married and starting their own families. I guess I can spoil them all over the next 5 years and enjoy watching them grow without worrying about dirty nappies, or sleepless nights...

But for now, I need to hibernate, go somewhere, do something...I don't know. So to those who sent lovely texts and emails and facebook messages, I can't reply, I feel too sad and weird and I don't want to pretend that I'm okay. I just want to hide away for a bit to figure out how I'm going to get through this crappy situation that I still can't believe is happening to us...