The past 7 months have been the worst of my life and now it's nearly over, I've noticed that although I'm not myself mentally, that physically, I'm not myself either!
At the beginning of this rollercoaster, I was a size 12 and at the end of it, I'm a size 18!
I've never ever had to buy size 18 clothes before and I've been living in black jogging pants for months so I've not noticed the weight creeping up on me.
At first I thought it was the steroids as my wedding rings didn't fit me anymore and my face looked puffy and bloated. But I've not taken steriods now since the beginning of August and I'm still the same. I thought I'd put on 2 stone since starting chemo but when I weighed myself this morning, it seems I've put on 3!
And I'm due to start my tamoxifen tablets this week for 5 years..which have side effects including weight gain...HELP!
I did plan to stop my blog once I'd finished all of my therapy but I'm going to keep it going until I'm back to my normal size and mental state... and I promise not to leave it a month till I next blog...
wish me luck....
Tuesday 29 September 2009
Spoke too soon...
...well I didn't expect to get side effects from radiotherapy after it'd finished... but I did... and I still have, and bloody hell, it's painful.
It started on Friday where my armpit was getting a little sore, Saturday the skin changed colour and by Sunday I was in agony. I couldn't move my arm as it was too painful and when I looked at the skin I felt a flush of shock as it looked so bad.
Yesterday morning I woke up nauseous and started to be sick so I rang the hospital to get myself checked out.
Apparently this is normal, the side effects of burning and pain is a usual reaction!
Oh.
My.
God!
I've never been burnt by an iron but I can only describe it looking like I have been, my skin is burgandy and lumpy and it's unbelievably painful. I'm not able to sleep as i'm a 'toss and turner' in my sleep so as I try to turn over I feel the pain as my skin rubs together under my armpit.
This time last week I thought my treatment was all over and I could move forward, but today i'm feeling worse than any part of these horrendous few months. Chemo, was no problem compared to this.
This, the final hurdle of cancer treatment is the worst and by far the most horrific but it is the final hurdle, so I just have to ride it out....
It started on Friday where my armpit was getting a little sore, Saturday the skin changed colour and by Sunday I was in agony. I couldn't move my arm as it was too painful and when I looked at the skin I felt a flush of shock as it looked so bad.
Yesterday morning I woke up nauseous and started to be sick so I rang the hospital to get myself checked out.
Apparently this is normal, the side effects of burning and pain is a usual reaction!
Oh.
My.
God!
I've never been burnt by an iron but I can only describe it looking like I have been, my skin is burgandy and lumpy and it's unbelievably painful. I'm not able to sleep as i'm a 'toss and turner' in my sleep so as I try to turn over I feel the pain as my skin rubs together under my armpit.
This time last week I thought my treatment was all over and I could move forward, but today i'm feeling worse than any part of these horrendous few months. Chemo, was no problem compared to this.
This, the final hurdle of cancer treatment is the worst and by far the most horrific but it is the final hurdle, so I just have to ride it out....
Radiotherapy
Radiotherapy isn't too bad, you can't feel anything except the embarrassement of being half naked and having 2 nurses moving you to line up the tatoos on your chest (the first week it was two 20-something male nurses which I hated "stop being so tense" one said to me! How could I not be tense being half naked with people peering over my breasts!).
Anyway, 3 weeks of radiotherapy was like living in groundhog day. Every day was the same however I did start going to work for a few hours each day which was great. Plus I was lucky to not have had any side effects that come with radiotherapy that include burning and skin breaking. And during this therapy, my hair started to grow which was a welcomed relief!
The last day of radiotherapy was monday 21st Sept and it couldn't have come quick enough. As I drove home I started to cry and by the time I'd gotten to work I was inconsolable so I sat in my car and sobbed. I wasn't sure if it was relief that all of my treatment was over but when I texted a work collegue to come to the car park and bring tissues, I admitted what I was really feeling...
I'd spent so long pretending I was fine, and if I did have tears, I could blame it on the treatment making me ill. But now there was no more treatment, I had no excuse for my tears and I couldn't put on 'Fake katherine' of being bubbly and cheerful when inside I was a mess. I couldn't face getting out of the car and seeing people, I just wanted to go home and sob... so I did.
Anyway, 3 weeks of radiotherapy was like living in groundhog day. Every day was the same however I did start going to work for a few hours each day which was great. Plus I was lucky to not have had any side effects that come with radiotherapy that include burning and skin breaking. And during this therapy, my hair started to grow which was a welcomed relief!
The last day of radiotherapy was monday 21st Sept and it couldn't have come quick enough. As I drove home I started to cry and by the time I'd gotten to work I was inconsolable so I sat in my car and sobbed. I wasn't sure if it was relief that all of my treatment was over but when I texted a work collegue to come to the car park and bring tissues, I admitted what I was really feeling...
I'd spent so long pretending I was fine, and if I did have tears, I could blame it on the treatment making me ill. But now there was no more treatment, I had no excuse for my tears and I couldn't put on 'Fake katherine' of being bubbly and cheerful when inside I was a mess. I couldn't face getting out of the car and seeing people, I just wanted to go home and sob... so I did.
Mental Head
Since finishing chemo, I've been a mess.
Eveyone around me kept saying 'its over, just radiotherapy to go and its all over' but yes for everyone it 'is' all over, but for me, it's just the beginning.
It's the beginning of the rest of my life, frightened that cancer will return.
I'm too scared to go back to my normal life; driving to work every day as if nothing had happened. I can't do that, because there's something permanently on my mind....
So I've been breaking down in tears everytime I think about it and putting on a brave face in front of everyone else so that no-one worries. This isn't healthy, I know. And its just got worse and worse. My fears snowballed into a pathetic fear that I was going to find out I had cancer again very soon and how was I going to deal with it. I played the moment in my head over and over again and I'd break down at the thought of having to tell my parents that it was back.
Basically what I was doing was torturing myself about nothing, creating a fear of something that wasn't actually happening. I felt ridiculous but couldn't face talking to anyone in case they thought I was nuts, so it became a vicious circle.
So I convinced myself that I was going to have a double mastectomy and that would be the only way of ensuring I'd never get cancer back, so I booked an appointment with my breast surgeon...
he obviously thought I was being ridiculous! He explained to me that due to me catching the tumor early, together with my age and the treatment I was receiving... I had a 90% chance of never getting breast cancer again... I know its just a statistic but the relief was overwhelming. So I told him about my fears and how I'm breaking down regularly and he suggested councelling... so I'm going to give it a few weeks to see how I go and then go and see him again.. maybe opening up is what I need although I've always found it so hard to be honest about feeling down.
I think this is why I'm like this now; I've spent months pretending I'm fine so that everyone around me didn't worry. But what I was actually doing was hiding my true feelings and it's been bottling up inside and now, it's exploded and I just can't cope.
Eveyone around me kept saying 'its over, just radiotherapy to go and its all over' but yes for everyone it 'is' all over, but for me, it's just the beginning.
It's the beginning of the rest of my life, frightened that cancer will return.
I'm too scared to go back to my normal life; driving to work every day as if nothing had happened. I can't do that, because there's something permanently on my mind....
So I've been breaking down in tears everytime I think about it and putting on a brave face in front of everyone else so that no-one worries. This isn't healthy, I know. And its just got worse and worse. My fears snowballed into a pathetic fear that I was going to find out I had cancer again very soon and how was I going to deal with it. I played the moment in my head over and over again and I'd break down at the thought of having to tell my parents that it was back.
Basically what I was doing was torturing myself about nothing, creating a fear of something that wasn't actually happening. I felt ridiculous but couldn't face talking to anyone in case they thought I was nuts, so it became a vicious circle.
So I convinced myself that I was going to have a double mastectomy and that would be the only way of ensuring I'd never get cancer back, so I booked an appointment with my breast surgeon...
he obviously thought I was being ridiculous! He explained to me that due to me catching the tumor early, together with my age and the treatment I was receiving... I had a 90% chance of never getting breast cancer again... I know its just a statistic but the relief was overwhelming. So I told him about my fears and how I'm breaking down regularly and he suggested councelling... so I'm going to give it a few weeks to see how I go and then go and see him again.. maybe opening up is what I need although I've always found it so hard to be honest about feeling down.
I think this is why I'm like this now; I've spent months pretending I'm fine so that everyone around me didn't worry. But what I was actually doing was hiding my true feelings and it's been bottling up inside and now, it's exploded and I just can't cope.
Stripy Nails
I've forgotten to add this, but when I was in hospital in June, I noticed that my nails were stripy! I asked my husband to google it, but nothing came up and I thought I was going insane!
The dr's said that it was normal during chemo so I'm a bit suprised that there's nothing online so if you've googled 'stripy nails' and have ended up at the blog, don't worry, its normal for chemo patients and its now the end of September and they're still stripy... here's a pic to prove it...
weird eh!
Venice!
Well, I must be the only person in the world that didn't realise there are no roads in Venice, only bloody water!
My husband and I went to Venice for a few days after my birthday which we booked a whilst back to mark the end of chemotherapy. When we arrived it was about 10.30pm at night and we caught a water taxi to St. Marks Square where out hotel was located. But what we didn't expect was to be stuck in the middle of a square with a map of roads and bridges but all the smaller roads weren't listed, including our hotel's road. So there we were in the middle of a square not sure which direction to go and both of us spinning in circles wondering what to do... and then phew, luckily my husband had an iphone which has a satnav and we were able to follow the cobbled streets to our hotel.
The next morning we woke up with a plan to tour the city and as we walked along the streets, stopping for coffee and ice-cream along the way, I noticed that there were no roads, no cars, no taxis! This was when my husband told me that Venice is purely canals, cobbled streets and bridges! What! Well I knew there were canals and that the best way to travel was in a gondola but seriously, not 1 road! So we'd walked for hours and hours in the heat and we had no option but to walk the whole way back!
Now remember I'd not long finished chemo, and I got tired very quickly, plus I had no hair, so I was wearing a cap and hat which was boiling! And to make matters worse, my eyebrows were so thin that I nothing to stop the sweat dripping into my eyes and finally when I sneezed and my false lashes stuck together... I knew we had to change our flights and come home early.
Venice is a beautiful place, but not the place to go after chemo, maybe a relaxing holiday was what I needed, but only once I'd finished radiotherapy that was due in a few days time...
My husband and I went to Venice for a few days after my birthday which we booked a whilst back to mark the end of chemotherapy. When we arrived it was about 10.30pm at night and we caught a water taxi to St. Marks Square where out hotel was located. But what we didn't expect was to be stuck in the middle of a square with a map of roads and bridges but all the smaller roads weren't listed, including our hotel's road. So there we were in the middle of a square not sure which direction to go and both of us spinning in circles wondering what to do... and then phew, luckily my husband had an iphone which has a satnav and we were able to follow the cobbled streets to our hotel.
The next morning we woke up with a plan to tour the city and as we walked along the streets, stopping for coffee and ice-cream along the way, I noticed that there were no roads, no cars, no taxis! This was when my husband told me that Venice is purely canals, cobbled streets and bridges! What! Well I knew there were canals and that the best way to travel was in a gondola but seriously, not 1 road! So we'd walked for hours and hours in the heat and we had no option but to walk the whole way back!
Now remember I'd not long finished chemo, and I got tired very quickly, plus I had no hair, so I was wearing a cap and hat which was boiling! And to make matters worse, my eyebrows were so thin that I nothing to stop the sweat dripping into my eyes and finally when I sneezed and my false lashes stuck together... I knew we had to change our flights and come home early.
Venice is a beautiful place, but not the place to go after chemo, maybe a relaxing holiday was what I needed, but only once I'd finished radiotherapy that was due in a few days time...
Fabulous (but exhausting) Birthday
Well my birthday this year was brilliant. The hub and I went to a fabulous Michelin star restaurant for lunch and then I spent the evening with a group of friends and I'm excited to say that I stayed out till 1am (although I think that's due to the amount of Diet Coke I drank!).
I did wake up the next morning shattered; still suffering with 'chemo tiredness' I could only last a few hours at my mum's house for a bbq before crashing out in bed and I was gutted to miss the U2 gig that my husband had tickets for, but I knew my body was exhausted and I couldn't move off the sofa. It's really hard having to listen to your body, but with it suffering so much trauma over the past few months, it's imperative to rest when your body needs it. This is something that I've found difficult at first to deal with as I've always pushed myself but at this point, I was beat!
I did wake up the next morning shattered; still suffering with 'chemo tiredness' I could only last a few hours at my mum's house for a bbq before crashing out in bed and I was gutted to miss the U2 gig that my husband had tickets for, but I knew my body was exhausted and I couldn't move off the sofa. It's really hard having to listen to your body, but with it suffering so much trauma over the past few months, it's imperative to rest when your body needs it. This is something that I've found difficult at first to deal with as I've always pushed myself but at this point, I was beat!
Monday 28 September 2009
Where Have I Been?
Well its been over a month since I've blogged.
And I've been here all along, but my head has been somewhere else..
I've spent the past few weeks worrying about how to move my life forward after finishing chemotherapy and this along with a few ups and downs, it's been a stressful month. But I think my head is back, phew!
So, rather than bore you with a super long blog entry for today, i'm going to break it up into chapters so here goes....
And I've been here all along, but my head has been somewhere else..
I've spent the past few weeks worrying about how to move my life forward after finishing chemotherapy and this along with a few ups and downs, it's been a stressful month. But I think my head is back, phew!
So, rather than bore you with a super long blog entry for today, i'm going to break it up into chapters so here goes....
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