Since the blood clot scare I'm a changed women.
Gone is the "It's only cancer I'll get through it" and "I'm going to raise £1m for Cancer Research" positivity.
It's been replaced with "I don't want to talk about cancer anymore, ever".
The blood clot scare has knocked me for 6. I spent those 15 hours or so of waiting for my scan worrying that I was going to die, I just can't think positively anymore. I think it's starting to hit me, I'm dealing with cancer here, its bloody serious. My poor body is being put through hell with chemo and is fighting to get back to normal and then gets knocked down again... and it frightens me that maybe my body will give up. It's taking a beating and little things like clots and infections could have serious effects on my body's recovery.
I never really though that I was 'fighting against cancer'.
But I do now.
So I've spent a good few days realising that I'm petrified and all of the 'why me?' questions keep surfacing.
There's a big chip on my shoulder, my sense of humor has gone. I can't talk about cancer in the same blasé way anymore. I am bitter, angry that it's happening to me. I'm not sure if I want to try to raise £1m. I want to forget cancer and just be me again.
I've not had a chance to be Katherine Bown yet. 6 months ago I was Katherine Formosa, then the moment I became Katherine Bown, I got diagnosed with a life threatening illness. I want my life back, I want to enjoy being married and I just want this nightmare to be over.
I don't want to catch up with friends I've not seen in a while, I can't bear to talk about 'it' anymore. I can't pretend I'm being strong and positive.
I just need some space.
The hub is coming home next week, I know he'll fix me.
Sunday 28 June 2009
Saturday 27 June 2009
Blood Clot Scare
Oh Sh*t, what a bloody scare!
Last Wednesday I woke up with a pain in my right calf. I didn't think anything of it as I was still comatozed by chemo. My dad picked me up to spend the day with them as I'd not been in close contact with them for a week and by now the risk of catching scarlet fever had gone. So I sat in their garden chatting and then after lunch I went for a 4 hour snooze. When I woke up my calf was really painful and my dad suggested I ring the on-call chemo nurse to see what medication I could take to help ease the pain. Well geez, I explain how I felt, she told me she wanted to speak to a dr and would call back...and with that...10mins later she's telling me to go straight to A&E for a DVT scan!
So my dad and I whizzed down to the hospital in a daze and I thought maybe they were over-reacting to what I thought was just a dead leg from being in my chemo coma on the sofa for the past few days. And once I saw a dr, that's when I started to get frightened.....
We got to the hospital about 4.30pm and they explained that there was no-one to do a DVT scan as the last scan is at 4pm and the next scan was at 9am...the dr is telling me this with a seriously worried look on his face and is wiping his sweaty brow... he stared to think out loud to himself but going back to "there's no-one here to do the scan". Meanwhile I'm turning green with worry wondering why the dr is panicking and why there's no-one around to scan my leg, surly being a huge city hospital and with risks of clots after 4pm there must be someone? surely?
So the dr went off to call another dr and they decide to contact my cancer hospital to see what type of blood thinning injection they can give me whilst I'm undergoing chemo, as I can't have the normal treatment (forgot to mention, this dr can't speak English too well which is making me panic even more as he couldn't spell the cancer hospital and kept asking me the name of it and then was trying to spell it on his hand....which means he'd not heard of the cancer hospital... which means he's never dealt with a cancer patient in Cardiff... are you with me on how worried and stressed I am at this point!)
The next thing I know a Simon Pegg lookalike nurse came in to try to explain to me what's going on as I'm sure he noticed my greeness and eyes scanning the room in fear. He told me that they were worried I had a blood clot in my leg, that there was no-one to do the scan and they weren't sure if they could give me any blood thinning drugs... so basically there was a chance that there was nothing they could do until 9am the next morning... but obviously they couldn't do that, so him trying to help just made me worry even more. I just wanted to scream.
The hub is in South Africa, I couldn't call him and worry him but I was really scared at this point that I had a clot in my leg and from the reaction of the medical staff, this was serious stuff. I started to cry and I could feel my teeth clenching, I couldn't believe what was happening.
Then the 'not so good at speaking English' dr came into the booth and told me that they could give me an injection but they'd have to make it up from measuring my height, weight and then do the maths to see how much of this drug I needed.
Simon Pegg then came in to explain that even if I did have a clot, the injection would see me through until the morning in time for my scan as I was worried (and being overdramatic but they did scare the pants off me!) that I was going to die overnight.
I took the injection, in the stomach, 2 of the f*ckers and they were bloody painful and have left lovely bullet holes in my belly. But it was a great relief to know that I wasn't being sent back home to die of a clot whilst the DVT scanner dr's were prob in the pub (I still can't believe there was no-one until the next morning who could do a DVT scan!! What do we pay our taxes for???)
Well that night I slept about 2 hours then woke up worried that the injection might not have worked and I might die. It was a boiling hot night and I wasn't sure if I was sweating with fear or the heat. Looking back now I know I was being over dramatic but the hospital staff really scared me, and I just kept on thinking 'sods blimin law I die of a blood clot and my hub will hate me forever for making him carry on life as normal and going on the Lions tour'. Things are always so much worse when you're lying in bed worrying!
Anyway, the next morning my parents took me back to the hospital for my scan. I didn't realise it would be a 'top of the leg to toe' scan so I had to strip off which I hate doing as I can be a bit shy with showing a bit of flesh..but anyway... double mortified: as I lay down and the dr removed the paper towel from my waist to do the top of the leg (the very top) scan I noticed that I'd put my thong on the wrong way.... the crotch part was across my thigh and it was all twisted....
I don't know if the dr noticed but that 60 seconds of her performing the scan at the top part of my leg was mortifying! I'd gotten dressed so quickly that morning that I hadn't noticed, I've never done that before and I was so so embarrassed. I tried to cover myself with the blue paper towelling but it wasn't enough. So ashamed :-(
Anyway, there was no clot. Nothing at all. The dr put it down to dehydration and bad circulation and told me to walk around more after chemo instead of just lying horizontal.
Now if only there was a DVT scanning dr available the previous evening, I'd have no worried, not needed the bullethole injections, not had a sleepness night, definitely not had the embarrassing thong incident and saved myself and my parents some serious panic....
Last Wednesday I woke up with a pain in my right calf. I didn't think anything of it as I was still comatozed by chemo. My dad picked me up to spend the day with them as I'd not been in close contact with them for a week and by now the risk of catching scarlet fever had gone. So I sat in their garden chatting and then after lunch I went for a 4 hour snooze. When I woke up my calf was really painful and my dad suggested I ring the on-call chemo nurse to see what medication I could take to help ease the pain. Well geez, I explain how I felt, she told me she wanted to speak to a dr and would call back...and with that...10mins later she's telling me to go straight to A&E for a DVT scan!
So my dad and I whizzed down to the hospital in a daze and I thought maybe they were over-reacting to what I thought was just a dead leg from being in my chemo coma on the sofa for the past few days. And once I saw a dr, that's when I started to get frightened.....
We got to the hospital about 4.30pm and they explained that there was no-one to do a DVT scan as the last scan is at 4pm and the next scan was at 9am...the dr is telling me this with a seriously worried look on his face and is wiping his sweaty brow... he stared to think out loud to himself but going back to "there's no-one here to do the scan". Meanwhile I'm turning green with worry wondering why the dr is panicking and why there's no-one around to scan my leg, surly being a huge city hospital and with risks of clots after 4pm there must be someone? surely?
So the dr went off to call another dr and they decide to contact my cancer hospital to see what type of blood thinning injection they can give me whilst I'm undergoing chemo, as I can't have the normal treatment (forgot to mention, this dr can't speak English too well which is making me panic even more as he couldn't spell the cancer hospital and kept asking me the name of it and then was trying to spell it on his hand....which means he'd not heard of the cancer hospital... which means he's never dealt with a cancer patient in Cardiff... are you with me on how worried and stressed I am at this point!)
The next thing I know a Simon Pegg lookalike nurse came in to try to explain to me what's going on as I'm sure he noticed my greeness and eyes scanning the room in fear. He told me that they were worried I had a blood clot in my leg, that there was no-one to do the scan and they weren't sure if they could give me any blood thinning drugs... so basically there was a chance that there was nothing they could do until 9am the next morning... but obviously they couldn't do that, so him trying to help just made me worry even more. I just wanted to scream.
The hub is in South Africa, I couldn't call him and worry him but I was really scared at this point that I had a clot in my leg and from the reaction of the medical staff, this was serious stuff. I started to cry and I could feel my teeth clenching, I couldn't believe what was happening.
Then the 'not so good at speaking English' dr came into the booth and told me that they could give me an injection but they'd have to make it up from measuring my height, weight and then do the maths to see how much of this drug I needed.
Simon Pegg then came in to explain that even if I did have a clot, the injection would see me through until the morning in time for my scan as I was worried (and being overdramatic but they did scare the pants off me!) that I was going to die overnight.
I took the injection, in the stomach, 2 of the f*ckers and they were bloody painful and have left lovely bullet holes in my belly. But it was a great relief to know that I wasn't being sent back home to die of a clot whilst the DVT scanner dr's were prob in the pub (I still can't believe there was no-one until the next morning who could do a DVT scan!! What do we pay our taxes for???)
Well that night I slept about 2 hours then woke up worried that the injection might not have worked and I might die. It was a boiling hot night and I wasn't sure if I was sweating with fear or the heat. Looking back now I know I was being over dramatic but the hospital staff really scared me, and I just kept on thinking 'sods blimin law I die of a blood clot and my hub will hate me forever for making him carry on life as normal and going on the Lions tour'. Things are always so much worse when you're lying in bed worrying!
Anyway, the next morning my parents took me back to the hospital for my scan. I didn't realise it would be a 'top of the leg to toe' scan so I had to strip off which I hate doing as I can be a bit shy with showing a bit of flesh..but anyway... double mortified: as I lay down and the dr removed the paper towel from my waist to do the top of the leg (the very top) scan I noticed that I'd put my thong on the wrong way.... the crotch part was across my thigh and it was all twisted....
I don't know if the dr noticed but that 60 seconds of her performing the scan at the top part of my leg was mortifying! I'd gotten dressed so quickly that morning that I hadn't noticed, I've never done that before and I was so so embarrassed. I tried to cover myself with the blue paper towelling but it wasn't enough. So ashamed :-(
Anyway, there was no clot. Nothing at all. The dr put it down to dehydration and bad circulation and told me to walk around more after chemo instead of just lying horizontal.
Now if only there was a DVT scanning dr available the previous evening, I'd have no worried, not needed the bullethole injections, not had a sleepness night, definitely not had the embarrassing thong incident and saved myself and my parents some serious panic....
Wednesday 24 June 2009
Chemo Number 4...The Knock Out
If I was fighting against chemo in a boxing match, I'd have a ref counting from 1-10 as I lay on the floor.
Chemo 4 was a knock out, I was completly wacked!
It didn't help that my mum couldn't take care of me. She'd been in London all week visiting my sister and my poor little niece got scarlet fever whilst my mum was there which meant my mum couldn't come near me for 4 days after returning. So my friends came in shifts to take care of me which was fun although I mainly slept all the way through it.
My mum would come to visit me by standing a few metres away from the front door outside and I'd be standing a few metres away from the front door inside and we'd chat, it made me cry one day cause I just wanted to hug my mum. Father's Day was the worst, my mum and dad came to visit and again stood in the street (at this point my dad was also at risk of being a carrier of the fever) and when they left I felt so upset that I couldn't even give my dad a Father's Day hug :-(
I think that people who come through chemo should get a medal, or maybe a knighthood. Or even better, a few letters after their name! I'd be 'Katherine Bown IBDI'. Only those who have experienced it can truly understand how gruelling it is, and to come to the end of it must be an amazing feeling, I can't wait to finish and hope that I never have to go through it again, I don't think I'd have the strength.
By the way, the fancy letters at the end of my name stands for 'I Bloody Did It'. I really think that I'll feel a sense of achievement when I finish chemo. I've never climbed Everest, ran a marathon or wrestled crocodiles, but getting through chemo.... to me that's going to be the greatest achievement in my life and I'm going to be proud of myself for that!
Chemo 4 was a knock out, I was completly wacked!
It didn't help that my mum couldn't take care of me. She'd been in London all week visiting my sister and my poor little niece got scarlet fever whilst my mum was there which meant my mum couldn't come near me for 4 days after returning. So my friends came in shifts to take care of me which was fun although I mainly slept all the way through it.
My mum would come to visit me by standing a few metres away from the front door outside and I'd be standing a few metres away from the front door inside and we'd chat, it made me cry one day cause I just wanted to hug my mum. Father's Day was the worst, my mum and dad came to visit and again stood in the street (at this point my dad was also at risk of being a carrier of the fever) and when they left I felt so upset that I couldn't even give my dad a Father's Day hug :-(
I think that people who come through chemo should get a medal, or maybe a knighthood. Or even better, a few letters after their name! I'd be 'Katherine Bown IBDI'. Only those who have experienced it can truly understand how gruelling it is, and to come to the end of it must be an amazing feeling, I can't wait to finish and hope that I never have to go through it again, I don't think I'd have the strength.
By the way, the fancy letters at the end of my name stands for 'I Bloody Did It'. I really think that I'll feel a sense of achievement when I finish chemo. I've never climbed Everest, ran a marathon or wrestled crocodiles, but getting through chemo.... to me that's going to be the greatest achievement in my life and I'm going to be proud of myself for that!
Saturday 13 June 2009
Please Don't Put the Words 'Cancer' and 'Just Died' in the Same Sentence...Please!
Why is it that when people hear about my cancer experience, they feel the need to tell me about the people they know who have just died from it?
How bloody insensitive!
I know it happens and I know that it must be horrendous to lose someone to cancer but I'm in the middle of chemo, I don't want to know that someone you know has just died from breast cancer.
It all started the day after my first chemo when the hub and I went to a wedding in West Wales. Someone who I've never met before but had heard that I was 'the one with the cancer' at the wedding decided to tell me about his mum who died of cancer last year...I have no problem in hearing that, I find it weird that people need to tell me but anyway we started chatting about it and he continued to tell me that it wasn't actually cancer that killed his mum; after her 1st chemo she got an infection which turned into a virus which turned into pneumonia...and that killed her.
Why o' why would I want to hear that story... I actually laugh about it now in shock that someone felt the need to tell me that.
And then at the hairdressers when I had to get the fringe on my wig trimmed, the hairdresser started to tell me that his grandad recently died of cancer and his words were "and we were all so shocked as he was so fit and healthy!" WHAAAAT! Tell me that he smoked 100 a day and was 50stone, not that he was fit and healthy and still died! What am I supposed to respond to that with? It's bloody hilarious!
I'm not sure if people are being insensitive or they think that they're helping by telling me tragic cancer stories but please stop.
The reason that I'm writing this is because the last straw happened this week, a friend of mine emailed me with the subject line: Cancer (a shocker in itself) and told me that her friends mum has just died of breast cancer a few weeks ago and now her friend has got it...
again, what am I supposed to respond to that with...
Its a shocker, I honestly thought people would be more sympathetic about it and would only want to tell me survival stories to lift my spirits, not tell me about people who die, it's not fair, it's bloody scary and it's definitely not helping me get through this.
So in future, not just to me, but please be more sensitive to people who are battling their way through cancer. Once they hit remission and have been given their survival rate...if its a good prognosis then tell them your tragic death stories, but if its not good, don't kill their own hopes of survival...please....
How bloody insensitive!
I know it happens and I know that it must be horrendous to lose someone to cancer but I'm in the middle of chemo, I don't want to know that someone you know has just died from breast cancer.
It all started the day after my first chemo when the hub and I went to a wedding in West Wales. Someone who I've never met before but had heard that I was 'the one with the cancer' at the wedding decided to tell me about his mum who died of cancer last year...I have no problem in hearing that, I find it weird that people need to tell me but anyway we started chatting about it and he continued to tell me that it wasn't actually cancer that killed his mum; after her 1st chemo she got an infection which turned into a virus which turned into pneumonia...and that killed her.
Why o' why would I want to hear that story... I actually laugh about it now in shock that someone felt the need to tell me that.
And then at the hairdressers when I had to get the fringe on my wig trimmed, the hairdresser started to tell me that his grandad recently died of cancer and his words were "and we were all so shocked as he was so fit and healthy!" WHAAAAT! Tell me that he smoked 100 a day and was 50stone, not that he was fit and healthy and still died! What am I supposed to respond to that with? It's bloody hilarious!
I'm not sure if people are being insensitive or they think that they're helping by telling me tragic cancer stories but please stop.
The reason that I'm writing this is because the last straw happened this week, a friend of mine emailed me with the subject line: Cancer (a shocker in itself) and told me that her friends mum has just died of breast cancer a few weeks ago and now her friend has got it...
again, what am I supposed to respond to that with...
Its a shocker, I honestly thought people would be more sympathetic about it and would only want to tell me survival stories to lift my spirits, not tell me about people who die, it's not fair, it's bloody scary and it's definitely not helping me get through this.
So in future, not just to me, but please be more sensitive to people who are battling their way through cancer. Once they hit remission and have been given their survival rate...if its a good prognosis then tell them your tragic death stories, but if its not good, don't kill their own hopes of survival...please....
Friday 12 June 2009
An Update of Bits and Bobs...
It didn't seem to make any sense that the hub is off on the lions tour and I'd not seen a game yet as we don't have Sky Sports. For the past few weeks I've been watching the teletext updates during the game like a saddo, that gives 5 minute updates on who's doing what (It HAS to be one of the most boring ways to watch sport ever!).
Anyway, last Sunday I had the genius idea of getting Sky Sports for 1 month so that I can watch the game and was delighted that they offered it to me half price! So this Wednesday I watched my first 'real' Lions game with my girlfriends and a bottle of champagne, totally fabulous...especially as they kicked some butt... so exciting! I also wore the special gift that my 2 friends Nicole and Mel bought me which was a Lions shirt with Bown on the back...so cute! And I love it!!
This was the start of a gift extravaganza this week as Thursday my cousin and his girlfriend came for dinner and they'd bought me a huge goody bag of girlie treats including a hot water bottle, snuggly socks, moisturising hand gloves, Galaxy chocolate, lotions, potions and herbal tea (which my cousin's girlfriend had researched to see what treats i'd need during chemo...again so cute!).
And then the most bonkers of gifts arrived through the post this week... a Wonderwoman towelling robe to give me super powers during chemo which arrived from my friend Julie. It has to be one of the cleverest gifts ever and I'll let you know if it does really give me super powers!
Hey, this chemo stuff isn't too bad on the gifts front...I've recieved flowers, cupcakes, magazine subscriptions, pink wig, head scarves, loads of chocolate, manicures, Molton Brown goodies.... its brill!!
Today I had a pooey day of having 'another' tooth infection so I'm on antibiotics and also 3 cold sores have appeared on my bottom lip (which is weird, I thought you had to catch coldsores...so who did I catch them from to have 3 on my bottom lip???!!!!) so it's been an evening of lying on the sofa feeling sad and sorry for myself. But I've just now cracked open the Galaxy chocolate, am wearing the moisturising white hand gloves and the lions shirt and also the wonderwoman dressing gown... it's so rock and roll for a Friday night!
Anyway, last Sunday I had the genius idea of getting Sky Sports for 1 month so that I can watch the game and was delighted that they offered it to me half price! So this Wednesday I watched my first 'real' Lions game with my girlfriends and a bottle of champagne, totally fabulous...especially as they kicked some butt... so exciting! I also wore the special gift that my 2 friends Nicole and Mel bought me which was a Lions shirt with Bown on the back...so cute! And I love it!!
This was the start of a gift extravaganza this week as Thursday my cousin and his girlfriend came for dinner and they'd bought me a huge goody bag of girlie treats including a hot water bottle, snuggly socks, moisturising hand gloves, Galaxy chocolate, lotions, potions and herbal tea (which my cousin's girlfriend had researched to see what treats i'd need during chemo...again so cute!).
And then the most bonkers of gifts arrived through the post this week... a Wonderwoman towelling robe to give me super powers during chemo which arrived from my friend Julie. It has to be one of the cleverest gifts ever and I'll let you know if it does really give me super powers!
Hey, this chemo stuff isn't too bad on the gifts front...I've recieved flowers, cupcakes, magazine subscriptions, pink wig, head scarves, loads of chocolate, manicures, Molton Brown goodies.... its brill!!
Today I had a pooey day of having 'another' tooth infection so I'm on antibiotics and also 3 cold sores have appeared on my bottom lip (which is weird, I thought you had to catch coldsores...so who did I catch them from to have 3 on my bottom lip???!!!!) so it's been an evening of lying on the sofa feeling sad and sorry for myself. But I've just now cracked open the Galaxy chocolate, am wearing the moisturising white hand gloves and the lions shirt and also the wonderwoman dressing gown... it's so rock and roll for a Friday night!
Tuesday 9 June 2009
Mouth Sores
I had to go to the dr's yesterday.
Throughout the day my throat seemed as though it was swelling from the inside and it was so painful when I swallowed and not to be too rude...but everyone does it....when I burped (am such a lady!) it bloody hurt!
I assumed it was a throat infection and I'd be sent on my way with a dose of antibiotics. So I was completely surprised that the dr said I had a huge sore at the back of my tongue!
I've heard of mouth sores after chemo, and last month I did get them inside my cheeks which was a pain but bearable, but this monstrous sore had grown at the back on my tongue just touching my throat and it horrible.
And to make it worse (seriously.... I need a break here!!) I got another one on the other side of my tongue today.
I feel battered and bruised, am so so fed up. Hopefully I may get a normal day soon, a day when I just feel fine.
Hmph... to just be normal again...I'll never complain that my life is boring...I'll never complain that I wish I had something I don't, in fact I don't want to ever wish for anything. I want to be content with what I have; if I've got my hair, a normal weight and my health... that's all I want back...
Oh and my hub,
(4 weeks till he's home!)
Throughout the day my throat seemed as though it was swelling from the inside and it was so painful when I swallowed and not to be too rude...but everyone does it....when I burped (am such a lady!) it bloody hurt!
I assumed it was a throat infection and I'd be sent on my way with a dose of antibiotics. So I was completely surprised that the dr said I had a huge sore at the back of my tongue!
I've heard of mouth sores after chemo, and last month I did get them inside my cheeks which was a pain but bearable, but this monstrous sore had grown at the back on my tongue just touching my throat and it horrible.
And to make it worse (seriously.... I need a break here!!) I got another one on the other side of my tongue today.
I feel battered and bruised, am so so fed up. Hopefully I may get a normal day soon, a day when I just feel fine.
Hmph... to just be normal again...I'll never complain that my life is boring...I'll never complain that I wish I had something I don't, in fact I don't want to ever wish for anything. I want to be content with what I have; if I've got my hair, a normal weight and my health... that's all I want back...
Oh and my hub,
(4 weeks till he's home!)
Monday 8 June 2009
16lbs
I have officially put on 16lbs since my first chemo.
Is it the steroids?
Is it the fact that I can't move for a whole week whilst in chemo coma?
Or is it that I'm eating so bloody healthy that sod's law is turning all the fruit and veg into sugar and I'm getting fat?
I have 3 more chemo's to go. So that means another potential 16lbs! So I predict that I could actually put on 32lbs whilst having chemotherapy.
Oh my god. That’s loads.
The hub is back in a month, he may not recognise me when he gets back. I'll be a bald overweight lump.
Vanity has stricken and I simply can't get any bigger. I can feel my own body weight, that must sound weird but when I walk around I feel heavy. It actually feels like I'm wearing a fat suit but I can't take it off. This may be the most I've ever weighed.
The problem is that I have no energy to exercise; I'm eating really healthy so I don't know what else to do. I can't eat less cause I need to keep my body strong and I can't go to the gym because I'll either fall asleep on the treadmill or collapse.
16lbs, I can't believe it. That's like carrying a rucksack of potatoes!
Is it the steroids?
Is it the fact that I can't move for a whole week whilst in chemo coma?
Or is it that I'm eating so bloody healthy that sod's law is turning all the fruit and veg into sugar and I'm getting fat?
I have 3 more chemo's to go. So that means another potential 16lbs! So I predict that I could actually put on 32lbs whilst having chemotherapy.
Oh my god. That’s loads.
The hub is back in a month, he may not recognise me when he gets back. I'll be a bald overweight lump.
Vanity has stricken and I simply can't get any bigger. I can feel my own body weight, that must sound weird but when I walk around I feel heavy. It actually feels like I'm wearing a fat suit but I can't take it off. This may be the most I've ever weighed.
The problem is that I have no energy to exercise; I'm eating really healthy so I don't know what else to do. I can't eat less cause I need to keep my body strong and I can't go to the gym because I'll either fall asleep on the treadmill or collapse.
16lbs, I can't believe it. That's like carrying a rucksack of potatoes!
Sunday 7 June 2009
Bloody Lightbulb
I can't change the lightbulb.
My arms ache too much trying to reach.
It's so bloody frustrating that I have to sit and cry about the fact that I can't change the lightbulb.
Why doesn't someone invent 'something' so that people having chemo who can't have their arms in the air long enough to change a lightblub can just sit on sofa, extend this 'something' that will reach and change a lightbulb for them.
There's nothing, I just looked on Amazon.
I have to call my dad.
My arms ache too much trying to reach.
It's so bloody frustrating that I have to sit and cry about the fact that I can't change the lightbulb.
Why doesn't someone invent 'something' so that people having chemo who can't have their arms in the air long enough to change a lightblub can just sit on sofa, extend this 'something' that will reach and change a lightbulb for them.
There's nothing, I just looked on Amazon.
I have to call my dad.
Chemo Number 3... What the...!!!
Ok so the usual routine goes like this... chemo on a Friday...wipe out till Thursday... so yes this was the case with chemo number 3; Friday I had chemo at my parents house as the hub is far away in South Africa (doing very well I must add!!) so I packed my bag and camped out at my parents for the ‘chemo coma’ week. Thursday came and home I went feeling much brighter, able to do work and sigh a deep breath of relief that I made it through another chemo.
I was looking forward to a friend’s wedding reception on Friday evening and then a hen weekend on Saturday and Sunday where the theme was very 'rah' of an Ascot Ladies Day with fancy hats and champagne, just perfect. So I'd gotten my outfit ready for that and looked forward to a fun filled weekend of feeling human again... however...
Friday morning I woke up feeling extremely tired and I made my way slowly downstairs where I just flopped on the sofa in a 'hungover' sort of way. Lying on the sofa I planned the day of meeting a friend for a walk around the park and then a pamper day of getting ready for the wedding reception with a trip to the salon to get my nails done. As I peeled myself off the sofa I attempted to go back upstairs to take a shower and I was conscious of my slow movement and how out of breath I was walking up the stairs. Showering felt like it took an hour, brushing my teeth made my arm ache and by the time Natalie arrived to pick me up I was shattered. We decided that I was too tired to walk around the park so we went to a pub and I ordered a fresh orange juice but for some very strange reason the orange juice brought on a salty taste in my mouth and I feel nauseas and just needed to go to sleep, so I went home.
All I could do was lie on the sofa in an ill state feeling weak and sick. My head was so excited about going out that evening but my body had no chance of moving, even walking to the toilet felt like I was walking a marathon, something was wrong and it started to scare me....
I rang the chemo nurse and explained what was happening, my temperature was normal and she explain that as the course of chemo went on, I'd get more and more tired... I couldn't believe it, the day earlier I was fit and healthy and today I felt like I'd climbed Mount Everest with a bag of Saxa in my mouth. I sat on the stairs and I cried.
I cried for about an hour in self pity knowing that I couldn't make it to the wedding reception. I knew that just getting ready would tire me out, I'd no way be able to be sociable. And the hen weekend... my glorious pink extravaganza of a hat wouldn't see the light of day, so would remain in the carrier bag whilst my body lay frozen on the sofa.
Whilst crying on the stairs I texted a friend to ask her to make my apologies for the hen do, I felt too sad to call her and definitely too sad to tell the hen that I couldn't make it. I also texted my friends to say I couldn't make the wedding party that evening and just sat there slumped on the stairs crying and blowing my nose and just wishing that I had the energy to stand up.
Then Becca, my work colleague and neighbour rang the doorbell. After a welcomed hug and 30minutes of me blubbing she decided to set up camp in my lounge and stay for the night making sure I ate, let out all the tears and eventually have some fun.
We watched movies, chatted, laughed and she left the next day at 7pm. It was just what I needed; otherwise I'd have been blubbing all Friday night knowing I was missing the party and blubbing all Saturday and Sunday knowing I was missing the hen do... so she's a saint for staying with me, missing the wedding party herself and just being a fab friend as always.
Chemo is bloody hard and unpredictable. I assume it’s going to get worse but I’m halfway with my sessions with only 3 more left to go. I dread every one of them, especially knowing that I’m going to get more and more tired. It’s so frustrating but I am half way, I feel good getting there but also feel dread that I am ‘only’ just half way. The mountain I have to climb is huge and I’ve still got a long way to go...
I was looking forward to a friend’s wedding reception on Friday evening and then a hen weekend on Saturday and Sunday where the theme was very 'rah' of an Ascot Ladies Day with fancy hats and champagne, just perfect. So I'd gotten my outfit ready for that and looked forward to a fun filled weekend of feeling human again... however...
Friday morning I woke up feeling extremely tired and I made my way slowly downstairs where I just flopped on the sofa in a 'hungover' sort of way. Lying on the sofa I planned the day of meeting a friend for a walk around the park and then a pamper day of getting ready for the wedding reception with a trip to the salon to get my nails done. As I peeled myself off the sofa I attempted to go back upstairs to take a shower and I was conscious of my slow movement and how out of breath I was walking up the stairs. Showering felt like it took an hour, brushing my teeth made my arm ache and by the time Natalie arrived to pick me up I was shattered. We decided that I was too tired to walk around the park so we went to a pub and I ordered a fresh orange juice but for some very strange reason the orange juice brought on a salty taste in my mouth and I feel nauseas and just needed to go to sleep, so I went home.
All I could do was lie on the sofa in an ill state feeling weak and sick. My head was so excited about going out that evening but my body had no chance of moving, even walking to the toilet felt like I was walking a marathon, something was wrong and it started to scare me....
I rang the chemo nurse and explained what was happening, my temperature was normal and she explain that as the course of chemo went on, I'd get more and more tired... I couldn't believe it, the day earlier I was fit and healthy and today I felt like I'd climbed Mount Everest with a bag of Saxa in my mouth. I sat on the stairs and I cried.
I cried for about an hour in self pity knowing that I couldn't make it to the wedding reception. I knew that just getting ready would tire me out, I'd no way be able to be sociable. And the hen weekend... my glorious pink extravaganza of a hat wouldn't see the light of day, so would remain in the carrier bag whilst my body lay frozen on the sofa.
Whilst crying on the stairs I texted a friend to ask her to make my apologies for the hen do, I felt too sad to call her and definitely too sad to tell the hen that I couldn't make it. I also texted my friends to say I couldn't make the wedding party that evening and just sat there slumped on the stairs crying and blowing my nose and just wishing that I had the energy to stand up.
Then Becca, my work colleague and neighbour rang the doorbell. After a welcomed hug and 30minutes of me blubbing she decided to set up camp in my lounge and stay for the night making sure I ate, let out all the tears and eventually have some fun.
We watched movies, chatted, laughed and she left the next day at 7pm. It was just what I needed; otherwise I'd have been blubbing all Friday night knowing I was missing the party and blubbing all Saturday and Sunday knowing I was missing the hen do... so she's a saint for staying with me, missing the wedding party herself and just being a fab friend as always.
Chemo is bloody hard and unpredictable. I assume it’s going to get worse but I’m halfway with my sessions with only 3 more left to go. I dread every one of them, especially knowing that I’m going to get more and more tired. It’s so frustrating but I am half way, I feel good getting there but also feel dread that I am ‘only’ just half way. The mountain I have to climb is huge and I’ve still got a long way to go...
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