The First 'Gathering'

The wedding was amazing! We had a bit of a nightmare in the morning an hour before we were due to leave... when I realised that there was a black tie dress code and that my husband didn't have a tux... oops.... so at 8.30am he whizzed into Cardiff and bought one! Amazing how men can just do that; no fuss, it fits, lets go!

But anyway, we made it to West Wales on time to witness a wonderful ceremony and I was really moved when the priest announced that the bride and groom wanted to do a collection for a charity close to their hearts...my million pounds challenge! And in the 3 minutes it took the choir to sing a lovely song and the ushers to collect the donations, the wedding guests had raised £368.65!!

I did feel a little paranoid that people were looking at me and wondering if I was the one with cancer, but that's something i'll always feel. This wedding was the first 'gathering' i'd been to since i was diagnosed and although i was very excited about going, i did wonder if the big flickering C would be over my head all day. I used to be 'Kath who's got urbantraffic.co.uk' then it was 'Kath who's marrying Chewy (the hub's nickname!)' and now i'm 'Kath, the one who's got cancer' and i hate that. I don't ever think it'll every go away. I'll soon be know as 'Kath the one who had cancer' and that'll be with me for life.

But anyway, at least i made it there, i did need a rest halfway through the day; my body was just so fatigued that i could've dropped my face in the cheesecake and slept right there at the table! So after a 2 hour rest i got out of bed, dressed again and partied till the early hours :-)

A Mini Adventure....

....well you're the first to know... I've just come back from a long and boring evening at the hospital....

Today I woke up with a bad headache, an iffy belly and a horrible acidy feeling in the back of my throat. The acidy feeling has been there for a few days but it started to burn when I swallowed fluid. We were due to go to West Wales this evening as we've got a wedding tomorrow but you know when you just don't feel well enough to leave home... 

Anyway,  to save on waffling, after a few phone calls and a check of my temperature (which was 37.99!) the hospital asked me to go in and to pack an overnight bag in case I needed to stay in. So off we went and I had blood tests, a heart xray and various other tests to see if i'd had an infection and phew phee after a long wait... it's all clear. 

Fab news, because if they had kept me in i'd have escaped through the window to make sure I get to this wedding! I need it, I need to see my friends, I need to have some drinks, I need to dance to some cheese and I need to just bloody enjoy myself! It's been ages and I'm so excited! 

Back From the Dead...

morbid.. but that's exactly how I feel today. I am back. Alive and well and I feel so happy!

Friday, chemo day, was a very scary day. I remember crying in fear of what was about to happen to me. I'd read other blogs where people described chemo and it made me so scared but nothing can prepare you for what it's like...

Now I've thought long and hard about this and I'm worried that someone may read this who is about to start chemo and I don't want to worry anyone, but I've been totally honest in my blog and I can't make something so horrible sound fluffy...it's just not right...besides, everyone is different so some people may just sail through it...

So anyway, the chemo nurse arrived about 11.30am with what seemed like 6 comedy size syringes and a drip and I remember feeling my armpit quivering in fear as she slowly syringed the first one into my arm. She explained the different feelings of each chemo drug, but I just sat there not caring about the cold feeling in my veins, I just felt tense, wishing it would just be over. At 2pm, it was. And suprisingly I felt ok, I was probably relieved. The nurse did tell me that i'd be ill, feeling sick is one of the worst symptoms, but I wasn't ready for the following 8 hours of the worst night of my life...

I was sick, violently (sounds over dramatic but it's an exact account of how it was!), every 2 hours with the worst sicky feeling ever. My poor hub had to take me into hospital and I lay there, over 3 chairs waiting for hours for someone to inject me with something to help. Looking back I can now admit that I was scared I was going to die, that i'd been poisioned and that it was slowly killing me. That's a very frightening thought but I remained calm, just with my morbid thoughts to myself and I waited and waited for someone to help.

Help did arrive, at 12.20am when I recieved an injection and a bed in a freezing room with plastic pillows and a thin blanket. But I did feel relived that I was being helped and that they kept me in until I was okay.

What followed on from that day was nausea, tiredness and the ability to only eat salted flavoured foods including crisps, chips and crackers. My mouth went from a sickly watery taste to feeling like there was metal in my mouth and I ate ice-lollys to rehydrate.

But today when I woke up I felt great; brushing my teeth didn't leave a disgusting taste in my mouth, dizzy spells didn't follow me when I stood up and passing water was a 'normal' colour. So it's done, it's over, and I came through it. I have 5 more sessions to go but I'm going to be given a different dose of anti-sickness drugs so fingers crossed it won't be so bad. And my chemo Dr has assured me that I can't die from chemo, so that's good to know.

This has been a horrible blog post to write, but also I'm glad to be writing it because I know that it's over. Tomorrow is another day, another great day of feeling great and happy and that's wonderful!!

Getting Ready for Chemo...

I think the worry of chemo has brought on this virus.

Quite unattractively, I have more sores on my face and my lips feel really swollen (although I've always been paranoid that my top lip is a little thin so I am secretly enjoying the feeling of poofey lips!).

I had a trip to the dentist this morning so that I can have my teeth cleaned and injected with antibacterial fluid, it's to stop my gums getting infected during chemo when my immune system will be on the floor, so any more infections are just going to have to wait. I did feel a bit embarrassed that the dentist had to work around my cold sores, I'm sure I saw her wince when she looked closely into my mouth :-O

Also in my plans for getting ready for chemo, the hub is taking the afternoon off work tomorrow to clean our house top to bottom and get rid of every last bit of dust and woolice stuck in the corners of our carpet (why do woodlice go there to die?!) plus change the bedding and clean all our towels.

Meanwhile, my task for tomorrow is to get my nails done as instructed by my sister who bought me a french manicure for every chemo session; she insisted that its going to help me feel better during and after the horrible drugs. She also insists that I wear make up and dress nicely for the occasion...so I will. In fact I'll probably be the most glamorous patient the chemo nurse has ever seen and I will feel a little silly but I know my sister is right; wearing PJ's and no make-up is going to make me feel rubbish before the chemo gets a chance!

I also have to get it out of my head that its going to be a horrible experience. I'm really scared, chemo breaks all the rules that Mother Nature created, it just seems so wrong. I have visions of me lying in bed feeling sick and aching and not being able to do anything, I just hope that's not the case and it's not too bad. I just need to get this first session out of the way and hopefully I'll sail through it.

My cold cap arrives tomorrow, I'll wear it when I write my next blog post. I imagine its going to look like the ice-cube bags but with a strap to tie it up under your chin! If it's really naff, I'll take a pic and post it on here!

Oh and the biggie re: my prep for chemo... is getting my hair cut off again, this time really short, that's tomorrow too....

4,326....

....people have visited my blog since I launched it on 20th Feb.

If those 4,326 people donated just £2 to www.themillionpoundschallenge.co.uk ... well you do the maths...

C'mon people! Sacrifice a Starbucks and do something to make yourself feel good!

And to the 1,578 people that come back regularly to read my blog, please pass on the website address to keep the donations coming in!

Another Day....Another Virus....

Surely this can't be happening!!!! All I've had since I've come out of hospital from having my operation is infections followed by a course of anti-biotics.

I only finished the horrible pills last week, then I had a stomach bug (which I think I spread around the office...sorry girls!) and today I woke up feeling like those tigers have mauled me again, given me a headache, shook me till I had the shivers and stuck a cold sore on my lip.

The hub just rang me, he thinks I'm run down. Isn't it horrible whe people tell you that... "You're run down". I know I am. I've tried to act normal and work and live life as I did before cancer but I know my body isn't ready for all of this yet. And I hate being told that I've over done it. But I know I have. I just want to be well again.

So anyway, I need to rest some more. Especially as it's chemo week, I've got 3 days to get better in time for chemo.

I'm just sat on the sofa after changing the channel continulously until my thumb ached. I don't know how people can sit and watch David Dickenson cooing over glass bowls and garden gnomes and find it interesting? Daytime tv is rubbish. I think I'm going to get Sky TV whilst I'm off having chemo, I've ran out of films to watch and I'm one of those saddo's that can watch cookery shows all day every day...I do miss having Sky.

Right, I can tell I'm waffling. I need to go back to bed and rest....

Junk Food and Heros

That's it. That's all I've done since my last blog entry...was watch Heros and have take-aways..and I loved it!

After writing about below... our awful day, my hub drove me to Penarth Front where there's a little kiosk that does the best take-away Pizza in the world...Tony's. So we ordered our pizza and sat in the car and ate whilst looking out to the sea.

Wednesday, we had an Indian Takeaway (mainly because I've had a stomach bug and though it was a good idea to help get rid of it!).

Thursday...this is when the Hero fascination began....

Now those who know me know that I hate sci-fi or anything that makes me scared....I even had to stop watching Lost because I had to watch a few scenes through my fingers!!

But anyway, the hub took me to a lovely restaurant and we were so stuffed that we decided to have dessert at home and watch a film. We'd had the Heros series 1 for a while but I thought it sounded rubbish. But having nothing else to watch, we put on the first episode.

HOOKED!

We watch 3 episodes that night, then 4 the night after (after having a fish and chips takeaway). I did have to watch a few scenes through my fingers but I didn't care about feeling scared, it was the most exciting TV show i'd ever seen!

Went to watch the rugby on Saturday, got a Chinese on the way home and watched another 2 episodes..... and then Easter Sunday, shamefully... we woke up at 8.45am, thought we'd just 'watch a quick episode'...12 episodes later (and only eating chocolate eggs as we were too busy watching tv to made food!) we decided to shower and visit family.

Now I've never been addicted to anything before...but I felt myself twitching whilst sat in my mum's lounge. I was twitching because I needed to go home to find out what happened. Only 2 episodes left.... we left my mum's after an hour, made food and watched the last 2 episodes of the series.

Shameful eh! But it's been one of the best weekends i've ever had!

The only thing now is that I don't have a box set to watch whilst I'm in bed getting over chemo...any suggestions...??

Déjà Vu

I don’t really remember much of yesterday.

Apart from crying all day.

I do remember walking out of the hospital unable to control the tears pouring out my eyes and feeing conscious that the people walking towards the hospital were probably staring at me.

The hub and I had been for a fertility meeting which I though was just information about adoption or IVF after my 5 years of hormone reducing tablets. But when I got there, the Dr told us that I was eligible for the free embryo freezing which would help me with the worry I had about not being able to have children. The Dr explained that the embryo would be frozen and I could either have a surrogate mother to carry it for me which means we could have children very soon, or have the embryos after 5 years when I could carry them myself.

I was elated, and was so excited at the possibility of this.

But then she took it all away when she told me that they’d have to delay the chemotherapy and give me oestrogen to produce more eggs to make the embryos.

WHAT!!! ??? !!!

Hadn’t she looked through my notes to see that I was highly oestrogen positive and by injecting me with oestrogen…well she’d might as well just shoot me as it’d be a less painful death!

Her response was that if my surgeon had done a good job and got rid of the tumour that I’d be okay to have oestrogen.

WHAT!!! ??? !!!

Seriously, I felt like screaming at her “ARE YOU STUPID??”

As a Dr herself surly she would know that the reason for chemo and 5 years of hormone reducing tablets to lower my oestrogen levels was because of the fact that I may have other tumours lurking so it’d stop them fast in their tracks?? Well obviously not, and during this conversation I felt pressured by her to have my embryos frozen even though it could possibly make my cancer a whole lot worse. My surgeon, a specialist in this area had already told me that it was not worth taking the risk of having oestrogen to help with fertility.

I was devastated. We were devastated. Beyond belief.

It was a déjà vu of exactly how I felt 2 weeks ago when I was told about being oestrogen positive. I had already cried those tears, and already picked myself up and thought of the positives of getting better. And here I was again, realising that my dream of having my own child was a distant possibility.

So yeah, I can’t remember much of yesterday. After getting home I sobbed in bed and hid myself under a pillow away from the worries in my life.

I wish I could just delete yesterday from my mind. I am so angry at how my emotions are being played with. This cancer rollercoaster is loop-da-looping all over the place and I want to get off. It’s too much for me to handle…

..I know in a few days I’ll pick myself up and think positively again but for the time being, I need to hibernate again… and just hope that no-one else interferes with me just getting better and let me deal with the consequences at the end…

A Big Flickering 'C'

I'm sure sometimes it'd be better to have a bright flickering 'C' over my head to save the sheer...(i'm not even sure of the word...maybe humiliating...mortifying...you know what i mean!) annoying feeling of meeting people for the first time or bumping into people that don't know... and wish there was a sign to tell them that cancer is in my life.

The first time it happened was when I was at work and someone who I hardly see much, noticed that I chopped all my hair off. They commented on it looking lovely (yeah right!) and asked why I'd gone for such a dramatic hair cut. For about 10 long seconds I just stared above her head thinking of how I could politely explain that I'm getting ready for chemotherapy and that "IIIIII'VE GOOOOOOOOOT BLOOOOOODY BREEEEEEEAST CAAAAAANCEEEEEER!"

But all I could splurt out was... 'I've been ill'!

She just stared at me, for 10 long seconds, and I wondered if she wondered what illness I could possibly have that would make my hair shrink into a pixie cut!

It was one of the most akward moments of this whole experience. I just wanted a big claw to lift me up into the roof and drop me home so I could hide underneath my bed.

So I felt I had to tell her that I had breast cancer and I was preparing for chemotherapy.

What a bloody conversation killer eh!

And since.... its happend a few times; bumping into people I know who i've not seen in a while and are shocked that the Katherine-they-knew-who-used-to-always-have-long-hair had chopped it off into short crop, and why??

It's rubbish, cancer is rubbish and short hair is rubbish. And in a few weeks my hair will be gone, so I guess that's rubbish too. But then at least my hairless head will explain what's happening before anyone has a chance to ask "Katherine, I've not seen you for ages, why did you shave all your hair off??"

Surely that won't happen... Oh god, I hope not.....

2 Weeks Left of Normality

It's so surreal, I'm going to have chemotherapy.

Cancer has to be the weirdest experience of my life, well I so hope anyway. It catches me every now and then that I'm fighting against it.

Yes I can say the 'C' word today.

My emotions are up and down; one day I'm in self pity and I'm a snappy annoying whinger and I can't say Cancer as it makes me want to light sabre everyone's head off, and other days, like today, I don't care.

So yesterday was my chemotherapy consultation meeting. And after discussing it for over an hour, I decided to have the chemotherapy sessions at home. At first I thought it would be too weird having it at home; it's so intrusive bringing those toxic chemicals into our house, but then being told the length of the waiting list for chemo at the hospital, and the time it takes to have blood tests...then wait for the results, then having the results...then waiting for the chemo... takes hours! And by having it at home, it should be all over and done with in about an hour, and I can start in a few weeks.

So again, thank god for private health care for giving me that option!

Basically, that means that I have 2 weeks left of normality until 2014! - from the moment I start chemo for 18 weeks, and then radiotherapy for a few weeks and then 5 years of popping pills... I'll be fighting cancer.

But today, and over the next 2 weeks, I'm just me; no fighting against anything, no sickness and fatigue (apart from the 4 days left of these blimin antobiotics!), no hospital meetings...oh and enjoying a full head of hair!!