Déjà Vu

I don’t really remember much of yesterday.

Apart from crying all day.

I do remember walking out of the hospital unable to control the tears pouring out my eyes and feeing conscious that the people walking towards the hospital were probably staring at me.

The hub and I had been for a fertility meeting which I though was just information about adoption or IVF after my 5 years of hormone reducing tablets. But when I got there, the Dr told us that I was eligible for the free embryo freezing which would help me with the worry I had about not being able to have children. The Dr explained that the embryo would be frozen and I could either have a surrogate mother to carry it for me which means we could have children very soon, or have the embryos after 5 years when I could carry them myself.

I was elated, and was so excited at the possibility of this.

But then she took it all away when she told me that they’d have to delay the chemotherapy and give me oestrogen to produce more eggs to make the embryos.

WHAT!!! ??? !!!

Hadn’t she looked through my notes to see that I was highly oestrogen positive and by injecting me with oestrogen…well she’d might as well just shoot me as it’d be a less painful death!

Her response was that if my surgeon had done a good job and got rid of the tumour that I’d be okay to have oestrogen.

WHAT!!! ??? !!!

Seriously, I felt like screaming at her “ARE YOU STUPID??”

As a Dr herself surly she would know that the reason for chemo and 5 years of hormone reducing tablets to lower my oestrogen levels was because of the fact that I may have other tumours lurking so it’d stop them fast in their tracks?? Well obviously not, and during this conversation I felt pressured by her to have my embryos frozen even though it could possibly make my cancer a whole lot worse. My surgeon, a specialist in this area had already told me that it was not worth taking the risk of having oestrogen to help with fertility.

I was devastated. We were devastated. Beyond belief.

It was a déjà vu of exactly how I felt 2 weeks ago when I was told about being oestrogen positive. I had already cried those tears, and already picked myself up and thought of the positives of getting better. And here I was again, realising that my dream of having my own child was a distant possibility.

So yeah, I can’t remember much of yesterday. After getting home I sobbed in bed and hid myself under a pillow away from the worries in my life.

I wish I could just delete yesterday from my mind. I am so angry at how my emotions are being played with. This cancer rollercoaster is loop-da-looping all over the place and I want to get off. It’s too much for me to handle…

..I know in a few days I’ll pick myself up and think positively again but for the time being, I need to hibernate again… and just hope that no-one else interferes with me just getting better and let me deal with the consequences at the end…