Bloody hell.
A trip to the dentist for what I thought was a filling coming loose, has evolved into a mouth and throat infection and a 7 day dose of Metronidazole. And to make it worse, 400mg twice a day of each annoying tablet.
Now I took this drug a few years ago, but only 200mg and it wiped me out for a week.
GIVE ME A BREAK!!!!!!!!
Is there someone 'up there' testing my patience because it's not working. I hate feeling wiped out. Although...maybe someone 'up there' is getting me ready for chemo? Ok, rant over, maybe its a good thing.
But still, I went to work today...I'm one of those saddo's that loves their job. It's only 4 days a week but the job is great and I work with a fab bunch of people. For such a huge company it's suprising how many people know each other, socalise together and have fun working together. So today was great and I felt human again and hoped to work all week from the office. But I know after taking the first tablet, I'm going to be stuck in bed. Still working though, my brain still needs to function! But none the less, stuck in bed.
It's also my friends hen weekend this weekend, so when I was diagnosed I pulled out of her fabulously bonkers burlesque weekend in Brighton. Am so gutted, the hen is one of the great party people in my life who loves a good drink of wine and gets the stained red teeth to prove it!
I know its going to be an amazing weekend but I know I wouldn't be able to enjoy myself with this big flickery 'C' on my head. So when we got invited to a housewarming party this Saturday I thought it was the perfect low-key and tame excuse for a good drink. In fact, the new lady of the manor found out about my big 'C' when in France so bought a bottle of Bollinger on her way back and told me that we'd devour it at her house warming.
But sod's bloody law, I'm on horse pills that I can't even sniff at alcohol without passing out, in fact I can't even drink 7 days after taking them. So great, no hen do, no house warming...
Roll on September. Hopefully this will all be over by then. Chemo meeting tomorrow so I'll find out my treament plan. I hope it's quick, painless and the 'C' is rid forever...
...who am I trying to kid!
ps. notice I can't say the 'C' word anymore. It's p*ssed me off too much....no kids for 5 years, no hen do and now...no bloody Bollinger!
Tuesday 31 March 2009
Monday 30 March 2009
Feeling Good
I think some people find it odd that I like to hibernate when I'm going through some problems but my theory is that I have to figure out my problems myself. I never want to be influenced on my feelings because then they aren't true.
So to me, there's nothing like some 'me' time, and I'm back feeling great!
The hub and I drove West and spent 5 fabulous days at his parents house. Whilst he worked I read every fashion mag (including Tatler and Vogue which I've never actually bought before!) and relaxed, it was blissful. And on the Friday we drove to every beach from his parents house to St. David's which was amazing. We talked, we laughed, I whinged and then the oddest thing happend....
Have you ever read the Celestine Prophecy? There's a section in there that describes coincidences; that when you 'bump' into someone in the oddest of places or thought about someone then happend to 'bump' into them, sometimes twice in 1 day...isn't a coincidence. The reason is that they have a message for you. Some might call this 'spiritual cr*p' but I love things like this, like I love the thought of the Da Vinci Code being true. But everyone is allowed their opinion and like many, you may think that having cancer has just made me a bit bonkers! but anyway...
As the hub and I were walking to visit the Cathedral in St. Davids, I saw a little girl, about 2yrs old, and she was wearing a a cute red coat, gorgeous little shoes and she was happily clip clopping along the path. With her was a lady who scooped her up in her arms and I felt a sudden pang of jealousy; would I ever get a moment with that with my own child? As we walked passed them, the lady called out to my husband and he recognised her as his good friend 'Tom's' mum and they started chatting. She told us that she fostered children and that the little girl with her was waiting to be adopted.
From that moment which was last Friday and ever since, I can't help thinking about that little girl. And about how many little cute children who were out there just waiting for someone to take them and make them feel loved.
I'd never really though about adpotion as an option. I'd joked about going to Mawai and doing what Madonna and Angelina have done....but didn't really mean it. But now I feel different. Maybe that's what my life has got planned out for me. That my role is to give a child a chance in life and adopt them from their troubled little lives. Maybe i'll go on to have children of my own, but for now I think its an option to adopt. Once my body has been through chemo etc.. and I'm fit and well enough, I think its a good option. I think that by adopting we'll enjoy the rewarding feeling of giving a child a new life and then if we're lucky to have our own...great, and if we couldn't have any in 5 years time, we'd have our adopted child so it wouldn't make any difference.
I wish I was well enough to try to adopt that little girl. But i'm sure there's a lovely family waiting for her. Maybe someone like me who has had a fright in life and just wants to grow a family and make her mark in life. But at least I know that the option is there...so today, I feel good.
So to me, there's nothing like some 'me' time, and I'm back feeling great!
The hub and I drove West and spent 5 fabulous days at his parents house. Whilst he worked I read every fashion mag (including Tatler and Vogue which I've never actually bought before!) and relaxed, it was blissful. And on the Friday we drove to every beach from his parents house to St. David's which was amazing. We talked, we laughed, I whinged and then the oddest thing happend....
Have you ever read the Celestine Prophecy? There's a section in there that describes coincidences; that when you 'bump' into someone in the oddest of places or thought about someone then happend to 'bump' into them, sometimes twice in 1 day...isn't a coincidence. The reason is that they have a message for you. Some might call this 'spiritual cr*p' but I love things like this, like I love the thought of the Da Vinci Code being true. But everyone is allowed their opinion and like many, you may think that having cancer has just made me a bit bonkers! but anyway...
As the hub and I were walking to visit the Cathedral in St. Davids, I saw a little girl, about 2yrs old, and she was wearing a a cute red coat, gorgeous little shoes and she was happily clip clopping along the path. With her was a lady who scooped her up in her arms and I felt a sudden pang of jealousy; would I ever get a moment with that with my own child? As we walked passed them, the lady called out to my husband and he recognised her as his good friend 'Tom's' mum and they started chatting. She told us that she fostered children and that the little girl with her was waiting to be adopted.
From that moment which was last Friday and ever since, I can't help thinking about that little girl. And about how many little cute children who were out there just waiting for someone to take them and make them feel loved.
I'd never really though about adpotion as an option. I'd joked about going to Mawai and doing what Madonna and Angelina have done....but didn't really mean it. But now I feel different. Maybe that's what my life has got planned out for me. That my role is to give a child a chance in life and adopt them from their troubled little lives. Maybe i'll go on to have children of my own, but for now I think its an option to adopt. Once my body has been through chemo etc.. and I'm fit and well enough, I think its a good option. I think that by adopting we'll enjoy the rewarding feeling of giving a child a new life and then if we're lucky to have our own...great, and if we couldn't have any in 5 years time, we'd have our adopted child so it wouldn't make any difference.
I wish I was well enough to try to adopt that little girl. But i'm sure there's a lovely family waiting for her. Maybe someone like me who has had a fright in life and just wants to grow a family and make her mark in life. But at least I know that the option is there...so today, I feel good.
Tuesday 24 March 2009
Hibernating...
As I mentioned earlier today, I wanted to get away from everything. So my hub and I are travelling to his parents home which is a peaceful retreat with lovely beach walks. In fact the first time I went there it reminded me of Cockleshell Bay, if you're old enough to remember that tv show! Its small, quiet and mobile phones don't work there so it's a perfect place to go hibernate.
So that means that I'll be offline until Sunday when we're back, and hopefully I'll be feeling positive and ready to fight this again....
So that means that I'll be offline until Sunday when we're back, and hopefully I'll be feeling positive and ready to fight this again....
Numb....
...that's the only way I can describe how I felt this morning at 6am when I woke up and lay in bed until now, 8am. I just stared at the carpet thinking how this could happen to us, and why?
My tumor was oestrogen positive, or ER positive in medical terms, in fact my Dr's words were 'Strongly ER positive' which means that my raging hormones that my poor hub has has the pleasure of meeting once a month, have been feeding my tumor a feast!
So a 5 year plan is on the cards, so no planning for children for us for a while. I can't lie or pretend that I can get through this; I. AM. DEVASTATED.
I've never cried like I did last night...I don't think ever, in my whole life. The feeling was as though I had been punched in the stomach, the emotion was pure devastation. Our lovely new home, with the front bedroom that was undecorated and currently used as a junk room was for our children, the new car we were going to buy was going to be fit for a family...our whole life ahead of us after we got married was to have children...and now that's on hold for 5 years...and may never come. And I'll be spending the next 5 years wondering...and hoping...
Sorry for sounding so down, but my blog is my only way to say how I truly feel and I don't think about writing, I just write and then read it back and realise how I really feel.
But, I do have some wonderful children in my life that I can watch grow...my friend Nat has beautiful baby Max who comes to visit me every week, my friend Dag has Lucas, my 'ever so cheeky and ever so cute' godson and little giggly Holly, and my sister...well my niece is the most precious thing to me in the world and I actually cry when they leave to go back to London because I miss her so much! And my hub's niece and newphews...who live so close and we're usually too busy to see them... are the sweetest children...
So just by typing this I sort-of feel blessed that I have such amazing kids around me and will probably have more during those 5 years as my friends are slowly getting married and starting their own families. I guess I can spoil them all over the next 5 years and enjoy watching them grow without worrying about dirty nappies, or sleepless nights...
But for now, I need to hibernate, go somewhere, do something...I don't know. So to those who sent lovely texts and emails and facebook messages, I can't reply, I feel too sad and weird and I don't want to pretend that I'm okay. I just want to hide away for a bit to figure out how I'm going to get through this crappy situation that I still can't believe is happening to us...
My tumor was oestrogen positive, or ER positive in medical terms, in fact my Dr's words were 'Strongly ER positive' which means that my raging hormones that my poor hub has has the pleasure of meeting once a month, have been feeding my tumor a feast!
So a 5 year plan is on the cards, so no planning for children for us for a while. I can't lie or pretend that I can get through this; I. AM. DEVASTATED.
I've never cried like I did last night...I don't think ever, in my whole life. The feeling was as though I had been punched in the stomach, the emotion was pure devastation. Our lovely new home, with the front bedroom that was undecorated and currently used as a junk room was for our children, the new car we were going to buy was going to be fit for a family...our whole life ahead of us after we got married was to have children...and now that's on hold for 5 years...and may never come. And I'll be spending the next 5 years wondering...and hoping...
Sorry for sounding so down, but my blog is my only way to say how I truly feel and I don't think about writing, I just write and then read it back and realise how I really feel.
But, I do have some wonderful children in my life that I can watch grow...my friend Nat has beautiful baby Max who comes to visit me every week, my friend Dag has Lucas, my 'ever so cheeky and ever so cute' godson and little giggly Holly, and my sister...well my niece is the most precious thing to me in the world and I actually cry when they leave to go back to London because I miss her so much! And my hub's niece and newphews...who live so close and we're usually too busy to see them... are the sweetest children...
So just by typing this I sort-of feel blessed that I have such amazing kids around me and will probably have more during those 5 years as my friends are slowly getting married and starting their own families. I guess I can spoil them all over the next 5 years and enjoy watching them grow without worrying about dirty nappies, or sleepless nights...
But for now, I need to hibernate, go somewhere, do something...I don't know. So to those who sent lovely texts and emails and facebook messages, I can't reply, I feel too sad and weird and I don't want to pretend that I'm okay. I just want to hide away for a bit to figure out how I'm going to get through this crappy situation that I still can't believe is happening to us...
Monday 23 March 2009
To Be or Not to Be....
This evening I find out of my tumor was oestrogen-receptive, so it's another D-Day for me.
Confused?
Well if it isn't oestrogen receptive:
It's common that chemotherapy can bring on early menopause which is scary because i really want kids. But most cases that i've heard stories about from friends and friends of friends is that they know women who went on the have children. So i really hope that's the case with me.
But if it is oestrogen receptive:
This means that my tumor could of fed off estrogen to make it bigger. So after chemotherapy and radio therapy i'd have to have a 5 year course of tablets as part of my anti-estrogen therapy. The goal of this therapy is to starve the breast cancer cells of the hormone they thrive on, which is oestrogen.
And during this therapy, I can't get pregnant. So 5 years of medication, which i'd prob start just before my 34th birthday this year, means that I'd be 39 when i'd have stopped taking the drugs.
That scares me.
I really want children, in fact i'm ready to have children now and am so afraid that i may never have any of my own. I was up all night last night worrying about it. Thinking about my amazing husband who i've been married to for just over 2 months when i found out that i had breast cancer and now there could be a chance that i'd never give him children. I'm aching with worry and this is the first time since i've had my operation that i've cried out of self pity.
But there's nothing i can do, except deal with whatever i'm told today and i have to leave it up to fate; what will be will be...
Confused?
Well if it isn't oestrogen receptive:
It's common that chemotherapy can bring on early menopause which is scary because i really want kids. But most cases that i've heard stories about from friends and friends of friends is that they know women who went on the have children. So i really hope that's the case with me.
But if it is oestrogen receptive:
This means that my tumor could of fed off estrogen to make it bigger. So after chemotherapy and radio therapy i'd have to have a 5 year course of tablets as part of my anti-estrogen therapy. The goal of this therapy is to starve the breast cancer cells of the hormone they thrive on, which is oestrogen.
And during this therapy, I can't get pregnant. So 5 years of medication, which i'd prob start just before my 34th birthday this year, means that I'd be 39 when i'd have stopped taking the drugs.
That scares me.
I really want children, in fact i'm ready to have children now and am so afraid that i may never have any of my own. I was up all night last night worrying about it. Thinking about my amazing husband who i've been married to for just over 2 months when i found out that i had breast cancer and now there could be a chance that i'd never give him children. I'm aching with worry and this is the first time since i've had my operation that i've cried out of self pity.
But there's nothing i can do, except deal with whatever i'm told today and i have to leave it up to fate; what will be will be...
Saturday 21 March 2009
The Slump...diagnosed!
Well there had to be a reason why I was experiencing 'the slump'. And after a visit to the dr's yesterday I found out that I have an infection...in the water and needed anti-biotics. But apparently it's common to have it after an operation as the anaesthetic dehydrates you which can cause an infection in you water. There's something new I learnt today!
So I did make it to the rugby today, and I've just got home totally exhausted. I was trying to not get too caught up in screaming and shouting and sat there calming trying to compose myself but all i wanted to do was scream 'C'mon Referee!!' But although Wales lost I had a fab day catching up with the girls, and the WRU advertised www.themillionpoundschallenge.co.uk on postcards in all of the hospitality boxes and also as a banner underneath the coaches box. I did have to speak to a cameraman during half time to make sure that they left the camera on for long enough so that people could read it...and they did, bless. It was so exciting!!
I also met someone today who is going through what i'm going through and it felt wonderful to finally meet someone just like me. Well she's a few weeks ahead of me but had the same type of cancer and she's just started chemotherapy so i can't wait to hook up with her again and grill her about everything that's to come.
Right, its nearly 10.30pm and i need to rest.
Don't forget its Mother's Day tomorrow!
So I did make it to the rugby today, and I've just got home totally exhausted. I was trying to not get too caught up in screaming and shouting and sat there calming trying to compose myself but all i wanted to do was scream 'C'mon Referee!!' But although Wales lost I had a fab day catching up with the girls, and the WRU advertised www.themillionpoundschallenge.co.uk on postcards in all of the hospitality boxes and also as a banner underneath the coaches box. I did have to speak to a cameraman during half time to make sure that they left the camera on for long enough so that people could read it...and they did, bless. It was so exciting!!
I also met someone today who is going through what i'm going through and it felt wonderful to finally meet someone just like me. Well she's a few weeks ahead of me but had the same type of cancer and she's just started chemotherapy so i can't wait to hook up with her again and grill her about everything that's to come.
Right, its nearly 10.30pm and i need to rest.
Don't forget its Mother's Day tomorrow!
Friday 20 March 2009
The Slump
I'm not sure if this happens after having an operation as this is my first one ever, but since last night, I feel exhausted.
My hub came home and set the dvd player in our bedroom and i just lay there, from 7pm till 12noon today feeling so so tired.
Maybe everything is just catching up with me as this rollercoaster has been the most emotional time of my life and to go from a huge downer from finding out that i can cancer, to 2 weeks later finding out that its all out is overwhelming, and i think my body is just catching up with itself.
I'm hoping to be better so that I can go to the Wales v Ireland game tomorrow. I'd love to see all the girls and enjoy a lovely lunch with them before watching the game, but i guess i have to see how i feel in the morning. If i'm like this i'll be watching the game from home :-(
So i'm going to spend the rest of the day in 'The Slump' position at my parents house and hope that it goes away.
My hub came home and set the dvd player in our bedroom and i just lay there, from 7pm till 12noon today feeling so so tired.
Maybe everything is just catching up with me as this rollercoaster has been the most emotional time of my life and to go from a huge downer from finding out that i can cancer, to 2 weeks later finding out that its all out is overwhelming, and i think my body is just catching up with itself.
I'm hoping to be better so that I can go to the Wales v Ireland game tomorrow. I'd love to see all the girls and enjoy a lovely lunch with them before watching the game, but i guess i have to see how i feel in the morning. If i'm like this i'll be watching the game from home :-(
So i'm going to spend the rest of the day in 'The Slump' position at my parents house and hope that it goes away.
Wednesday 18 March 2009
The Burgundy Bomber
Cr*p. I can't drive our car.
My arm is too sore and aches loads and i've been told that i can't lift anything heavy for a long time.
And our car is sh*t; it doesn't have power steering. So i'm not allowed to drive it.
My hub and I have fab jobs, a lovely home and we drive a banged out, R reg, rusty burgundy fiesta. The hub calls him (although I think the car is female, so her...) the Burgundy Bomber, like he's proud of the way its chuggs along at 50 miles an hour max.
Although the car is a shambles; I recently got locked inside the drivers seat and had to wind down the window to open the car from the outside to get out!, I do actually like it cause its so cheap to run. She (it's my blog!!) only takes about £25 to fill the tank and lasts for about 2 weeks. So all in all its an OK car. But we need to buy something new soon.
And I'm suffering from neighbour car-envy. Our younger, better looking, newlywed neighbours have just indulged in a new Honda 4X4. And I want one too. I made the hub sneakily look in their drive at 7am this morning to see it. But instead of giving me the thumbs up and a blank cheque to go and buy one...he just grumbled at me.
All of our neighbours must me mortified! We live in a lovely new development where everyone has neatly mowed grass, mini tree pots outside their houses and a car no older than 5 minutes in their drives...and then there's us...
So fingers crossed my hub will agree to go new-car-shopping next week. Otherwise i'm house bound, and i'm certainly not getting a cycle. Someone told me that they got a free car on freecycle...might take a look..... in the meantime, i'm staying in....
My arm is too sore and aches loads and i've been told that i can't lift anything heavy for a long time.
And our car is sh*t; it doesn't have power steering. So i'm not allowed to drive it.
My hub and I have fab jobs, a lovely home and we drive a banged out, R reg, rusty burgundy fiesta. The hub calls him (although I think the car is female, so her...) the Burgundy Bomber, like he's proud of the way its chuggs along at 50 miles an hour max.
Although the car is a shambles; I recently got locked inside the drivers seat and had to wind down the window to open the car from the outside to get out!, I do actually like it cause its so cheap to run. She (it's my blog!!) only takes about £25 to fill the tank and lasts for about 2 weeks. So all in all its an OK car. But we need to buy something new soon.
And I'm suffering from neighbour car-envy. Our younger, better looking, newlywed neighbours have just indulged in a new Honda 4X4. And I want one too. I made the hub sneakily look in their drive at 7am this morning to see it. But instead of giving me the thumbs up and a blank cheque to go and buy one...he just grumbled at me.
All of our neighbours must me mortified! We live in a lovely new development where everyone has neatly mowed grass, mini tree pots outside their houses and a car no older than 5 minutes in their drives...and then there's us...
So fingers crossed my hub will agree to go new-car-shopping next week. Otherwise i'm house bound, and i'm certainly not getting a cycle. Someone told me that they got a free car on freecycle...might take a look..... in the meantime, i'm staying in....
Bring Back My Thunder!
Just when you think you're doing something great someone comes along and tries to steal your thunder!!
Well as you all know by now, I've had a shitty time dealing with the 'peanut sized tumor'. And in my madness of trying to figure out why me? what do i do? and what next? i decided to raise awareness of breast cancer and try to raise £1million for the cause... which has never been done and no-one has actually tried to do...yet....
It's my way of helping me through this, I like fundraising and my idea of donating just £2 to turn it into a million, i thought was quite perky.... plus i love seeing the £2's rolling in, and the lovely meaningful messages that come in from people i've never met but who want to help raise the money. So its helping me through this horrendous time, and i secretly thought i was on to something really clever...
But it seems that my idea is too good...and others have taken on board my miraculous fundraising idea and are doing the same.
Now i am not being petty here, it's all in the name of charity and i'm definitely in support of that...but this week; to launch the same thing... for the same end figure... by donating the same amount... and pretty much having a very similar justgiving page...
So am a bit upset, and probably being a bit over dramatic cause as you saw from my last blog posting i'm in a bit of discomfort...and i'm a women so i can exaggerate a bit too, but i thought my idea was genius and was excited to be the first to do it...
Anyway, I just needed to offload, that's what a blog is for.
Keep the fundraising going though crazy kids, it all goes to the same place in the end anyway!!
xx
Well as you all know by now, I've had a shitty time dealing with the 'peanut sized tumor'. And in my madness of trying to figure out why me? what do i do? and what next? i decided to raise awareness of breast cancer and try to raise £1million for the cause... which has never been done and no-one has actually tried to do...yet....
It's my way of helping me through this, I like fundraising and my idea of donating just £2 to turn it into a million, i thought was quite perky.... plus i love seeing the £2's rolling in, and the lovely meaningful messages that come in from people i've never met but who want to help raise the money. So its helping me through this horrendous time, and i secretly thought i was on to something really clever...
But it seems that my idea is too good...and others have taken on board my miraculous fundraising idea and are doing the same.
Now i am not being petty here, it's all in the name of charity and i'm definitely in support of that...but this week; to launch the same thing... for the same end figure... by donating the same amount... and pretty much having a very similar justgiving page...
So am a bit upset, and probably being a bit over dramatic cause as you saw from my last blog posting i'm in a bit of discomfort...and i'm a women so i can exaggerate a bit too, but i thought my idea was genius and was excited to be the first to do it...
Anyway, I just needed to offload, that's what a blog is for.
Keep the fundraising going though crazy kids, it all goes to the same place in the end anyway!!
xx
Tuesday 17 March 2009
Sores, Aches and Pains...
I did say in the 6th March postings of 'The Crop' that "i don't care if i look like i've been mauled by 20 tigers"
Well I thankfully don't 'look' like I have been mauled by 20 tigers, but I sure as hell 'feel' like I have!
Since the dressing was removed from my 2 'peanut sized tumor' war wounds, I am in agony.
Every way I try to manouver myself to get comfortable I silently 'shriek' in pain. So my poor mum had to strap a flannel to me last night to help me sleep after trying for 2 hours to find a comfortable position to snooze.
Am feeling sorry for myself, and I have no reason to be...!
Isn't it bizarre how this time last week, this time last month even, I was petrified that I wouldn't make it to my first wedding anniversary, that really made me sad, but it was my secret fear.
And it was my grandpa's 80th birthday last week and I was supposed to send him a copy of our wedding dvd with his card to him in Greece as he couldn't make our wedding day...but i didn't post it...because i was worried that my news would be bad news and he'd cry watching it knowing that i was suffering and fighting for my life against cancer, and only a few months after an amazing wedding day.
Well wow wee, how one day can change from the next! So i'm going to post the dvd and belated birthday card to him tomorrow morning, If i can lever myself out of bed! My Aunty Mary came to the rescue today with an arm sling to harness up my aching arm so i am very grateful to her, and after a few 'Napolian' jokes from my mum...i did feel better.
So aside from my whinging war wounds, i'm doing ok today. But if anyone knows a cure for pain in a 'gashed' armpit and boob, let me know. Because I can't seem to find a position I'm comfortable in!
Well I thankfully don't 'look' like I have been mauled by 20 tigers, but I sure as hell 'feel' like I have!
Since the dressing was removed from my 2 'peanut sized tumor' war wounds, I am in agony.
Every way I try to manouver myself to get comfortable I silently 'shriek' in pain. So my poor mum had to strap a flannel to me last night to help me sleep after trying for 2 hours to find a comfortable position to snooze.
Am feeling sorry for myself, and I have no reason to be...!
Isn't it bizarre how this time last week, this time last month even, I was petrified that I wouldn't make it to my first wedding anniversary, that really made me sad, but it was my secret fear.
And it was my grandpa's 80th birthday last week and I was supposed to send him a copy of our wedding dvd with his card to him in Greece as he couldn't make our wedding day...but i didn't post it...because i was worried that my news would be bad news and he'd cry watching it knowing that i was suffering and fighting for my life against cancer, and only a few months after an amazing wedding day.
Well wow wee, how one day can change from the next! So i'm going to post the dvd and belated birthday card to him tomorrow morning, If i can lever myself out of bed! My Aunty Mary came to the rescue today with an arm sling to harness up my aching arm so i am very grateful to her, and after a few 'Napolian' jokes from my mum...i did feel better.
So aside from my whinging war wounds, i'm doing ok today. But if anyone knows a cure for pain in a 'gashed' armpit and boob, let me know. Because I can't seem to find a position I'm comfortable in!
Monday 16 March 2009
Let the Battle Commence...
Wel, I have some GREAT news! My tumor, the peanut sized one (!) was actually 19mm in size and a grade 3 type of cancer which means that its an agressive form of cancer...but obviously that's not the great news....
The great news is that the tumor is all out, and my lymph nodes are clear of cancer! So that means that I start chemotherapy once my wounds have healed and I can fight any last remaining bits of this frightening disease head on!
The relief is overwhelming, telling my family and friends was the most satisfying thing in the world as they've been on this rollercoaster of hell with me the whole way.
My Dr, who sent me straight off to get it checked out, is my angel. I've heard loads of horror stories about people not catching their tumor soon enough because their Dr has dismissed it, well my Dr is phenomenal, and she saved my life.
So let the battle commence, I'm ready for chemotherapy, I'm ready for radiotherapy, I'm ready for anything!
:-)
The great news is that the tumor is all out, and my lymph nodes are clear of cancer! So that means that I start chemotherapy once my wounds have healed and I can fight any last remaining bits of this frightening disease head on!
The relief is overwhelming, telling my family and friends was the most satisfying thing in the world as they've been on this rollercoaster of hell with me the whole way.
My Dr, who sent me straight off to get it checked out, is my angel. I've heard loads of horror stories about people not catching their tumor soon enough because their Dr has dismissed it, well my Dr is phenomenal, and she saved my life.
So let the battle commence, I'm ready for chemotherapy, I'm ready for radiotherapy, I'm ready for anything!
:-)
D-Day
Well what an exciting weekend! I've been inundated with lovely messages from people i've never met who have read about my blog and http://www.themillionpoundschallenge.co.uk/ via the WRU website and the BBC. It's great to see how everyone pulls together for support.
I've been resting at my parents house, and my sister and 14 month old niece came from London to stay with us too which has been great. My sister insists that I look fabulous throughout the whole ordeal so I'm glammed up in make-up and my hair prestine whilst recovering on the sofa, but actually I do feel alot better in a bit of mascara!
So today, well it's D-Day, I'm back at the hospital this afternoon to find out if the cancer has spread into my lymph nodes and also to ensure that the whole tumor is out. It's weird but today will map out the rest of my life;
1. Good news that its all out and not spread which means that I've got about 9 months recovery and then after that I will live life to the full everyday and be thankful for it (after a fabulous holiday with my husband!).
2. Or if its spread, who knows how long it will take to fight it and recover? and that scares me alot. I'm scared to have to fight for my life.
I'm trying my hardest to be positive...and crossed fingers and prayers aren't going to change the results that are probably sat in an in-tray on my surgeons desk.
Sorry to sound so down, but I can't explain how I really feel without sounding depressed; today is a huge day for me, and I just hope I get the 'Get out of jail free' card...
I've been resting at my parents house, and my sister and 14 month old niece came from London to stay with us too which has been great. My sister insists that I look fabulous throughout the whole ordeal so I'm glammed up in make-up and my hair prestine whilst recovering on the sofa, but actually I do feel alot better in a bit of mascara!
So today, well it's D-Day, I'm back at the hospital this afternoon to find out if the cancer has spread into my lymph nodes and also to ensure that the whole tumor is out. It's weird but today will map out the rest of my life;
1. Good news that its all out and not spread which means that I've got about 9 months recovery and then after that I will live life to the full everyday and be thankful for it (after a fabulous holiday with my husband!).
2. Or if its spread, who knows how long it will take to fight it and recover? and that scares me alot. I'm scared to have to fight for my life.
I'm trying my hardest to be positive...and crossed fingers and prayers aren't going to change the results that are probably sat in an in-tray on my surgeons desk.
Sorry to sound so down, but I can't explain how I really feel without sounding depressed; today is a huge day for me, and I just hope I get the 'Get out of jail free' card...
Thursday 12 March 2009
It's Gone!
Well firstly I have to say having private healthcare is fantastic. My whole hospital experience was like I was staying in a hotel and was waited on hand and foot, so I was right to go buying new PJ's and packing as though I was going on holiday! Therefore a big thank you to Spire Hospital (formerly Bupa) in Cardiff and all of their amazing work.
So yes, it's gone, my peanut sized tumor is probably sat in a jar in a lab waiting to be analyed whilst me, I'm at my mum's recovering with magazines and cups of tea...so who won that one then peanut sized tumor?!!
I do feel very sore and stiff but it's great to be home with the big relief that its gone. All I'm waiting on now is to get better and pray for good news that the cancer hasn't spread.
And on another good note, my million pounds challenge is doing well, so far i've raised £365 since 10th March which is fantastic so thanks to everyone and please keep sending the link on.
Also, please look out for the Welsh Rugby Team wearing pink Breast Cancer ribbons during the anthem at the Italy game this weekend and also pink tape on their arms to show their support, which is fantastic. Thank you to Caroline Morgan and Ryan Jones for this fantastic idea, for those who don't know my hub is an analyst for the national team , don't ask me to explain what he does because i'd just be making it up, but he makes me very proud, and I wish all the boys luck on Saturday and hope to see them at the Ireland game next week if i'm well enough.
Have a great weekend everyone x
So yes, it's gone, my peanut sized tumor is probably sat in a jar in a lab waiting to be analyed whilst me, I'm at my mum's recovering with magazines and cups of tea...so who won that one then peanut sized tumor?!!
I do feel very sore and stiff but it's great to be home with the big relief that its gone. All I'm waiting on now is to get better and pray for good news that the cancer hasn't spread.
And on another good note, my million pounds challenge is doing well, so far i've raised £365 since 10th March which is fantastic so thanks to everyone and please keep sending the link on.
Also, please look out for the Welsh Rugby Team wearing pink Breast Cancer ribbons during the anthem at the Italy game this weekend and also pink tape on their arms to show their support, which is fantastic. Thank you to Caroline Morgan and Ryan Jones for this fantastic idea, for those who don't know my hub is an analyst for the national team , don't ask me to explain what he does because i'd just be making it up, but he makes me very proud, and I wish all the boys luck on Saturday and hope to see them at the Ireland game next week if i'm well enough.
Have a great weekend everyone x
Tuesday 10 March 2009
Help Me Raise £1million to Beat Cancer....
....by donating just £2 to the million pounds challenge, and passing this link on...
www.themillionpoundschallenge.co.uk
:-)
xx
www.themillionpoundschallenge.co.uk
:-)
xx
Something Good out of Something Bad
What is it about going to a private hospital that makes you buy and pack your best bits and bobs as though you're going to a 5 star hotel?
Or maybe it's just me!
I'm going in tomorrow, wurhoo! And I can't wait for the peanut sized tumor to be taken out, analysed and then I don't care what they do to it; burn it, feed it to crocodiles, I don't care, just delete its existence!
Although, having this tumor has opened my eyes to a whole bunch of things; I have LOADS of amazing friends. And I have LOADS of amazing people in my life who I hardly know but have come forward to show their support. I've recieved letters, emails, texts, calls and gifts from a whole bunch of people and I feel really special, I know that might sound a bit sad, and childish, but I do. Plus there's lots of people running Race for Life (If you want to do it but don't want to run alone then contact my friend Natalie Buckland via Facebook) and organising their own ways to make money for research into beating and healing cancer.
So I know I hate this peanut sized tumor, and I hate the way it has upset and scared alot of people but it's actually done more good than bad.
Anyway, I'm having it out tomorrow morning about 9am so I'm excited, nervous and relieved (raise your cup of tea and wish me luck!).
Or maybe it's just me!
I'm going in tomorrow, wurhoo! And I can't wait for the peanut sized tumor to be taken out, analysed and then I don't care what they do to it; burn it, feed it to crocodiles, I don't care, just delete its existence!
Although, having this tumor has opened my eyes to a whole bunch of things; I have LOADS of amazing friends. And I have LOADS of amazing people in my life who I hardly know but have come forward to show their support. I've recieved letters, emails, texts, calls and gifts from a whole bunch of people and I feel really special, I know that might sound a bit sad, and childish, but I do. Plus there's lots of people running Race for Life (If you want to do it but don't want to run alone then contact my friend Natalie Buckland via Facebook) and organising their own ways to make money for research into beating and healing cancer.
So I know I hate this peanut sized tumor, and I hate the way it has upset and scared alot of people but it's actually done more good than bad.
Anyway, I'm having it out tomorrow morning about 9am so I'm excited, nervous and relieved (raise your cup of tea and wish me luck!).
Friday 6 March 2009
The Crop...
As you probably read from my previous post, I've been eating so much healthy food that I think its only fair that my body enjoys a good weekend before my operation next week. So tonight as I'm typing this, my hub is at Wok-to-Go picking up a take-away and i've just had a bath and am wrapped in a dressing gown wearing big thick slipper socks.
I'm not sure what we're going to do this weekend but it's my last 'normal' weekend for a good few months so I think a few glasses of wine will play a part in it.
So anyway, my news today is that last night I had my hair cropped. And i'm not sure if I like it yet? It's not horendous, but its not fabulous. But its my way of sticking my fingers up at the peanut size tumor that I made my hair short first, and if its going to fall out then there's not much to fall out!
It's odd how vanity kicks in when you're fighting an illness. I've been reading the 'young women with breast cancer' (yes I DO fit in that category!!!) leaflets given to me by my nurse that states that apparently hair loss is one of the most traumatic experiences in this whole escapade.
Really? Are we that vain a society that we worry how we look whilst we're fighting a possible life-threatening illness?
Well when I'm fighting a cold, I look like sh*t. And I don't care who see's me.
So now, as I embark on a war to beat cancer, I don't care if my hair falls out. I don't care if i'm too tired to get out of bed. In fact i don't care if i look like i've been mauled by 20 tigers.
so there!
I'm not sure what we're going to do this weekend but it's my last 'normal' weekend for a good few months so I think a few glasses of wine will play a part in it.
So anyway, my news today is that last night I had my hair cropped. And i'm not sure if I like it yet? It's not horendous, but its not fabulous. But its my way of sticking my fingers up at the peanut size tumor that I made my hair short first, and if its going to fall out then there's not much to fall out!
It's odd how vanity kicks in when you're fighting an illness. I've been reading the 'young women with breast cancer' (yes I DO fit in that category!!!) leaflets given to me by my nurse that states that apparently hair loss is one of the most traumatic experiences in this whole escapade.
Really? Are we that vain a society that we worry how we look whilst we're fighting a possible life-threatening illness?
Well when I'm fighting a cold, I look like sh*t. And I don't care who see's me.
So now, as I embark on a war to beat cancer, I don't care if my hair falls out. I don't care if i'm too tired to get out of bed. In fact i don't care if i look like i've been mauled by 20 tigers.
so there!
Wednesday 4 March 2009
My 5 (hundred) a day!
Ok so today i've had:
- a tub of organic grapes
- 3 brambly apples
- 2 pears
- 2 bananas
- 5 strawberries
- 2 kiwi fruits
- plate of salad
- bottle of innocent smoothie
- glass of freshly squeezed orange juice and cranberry
- cauliflour
- cabbage
oh and not forgetting the teaspoon of green powder mixed in water that tastes like sewage but claims to be the equivalent of a lb of veg.
It's amazing isn't it when you panic for your life? Even though for the past 14 years (since I left home to go to college and find my fame and fortune) I've been living off cups of tea, vodka and diet coke, crispy beef with noodles, crappy corn crisps, spicy curry pot noodles, cadburys creme eggs and marlboro lights and never gave my health a second thought.
In fact, last January when my hub asked me to marry him and I panicked that I had to lose 6 stone before the wedding (OK so a bit of an exaggeration, but I'm a women, we're supposed to be over dramatic!) and during the 11 months of planning the wedding I did 2 fad diets that didn't work, joined a gym and only lost about 4lbs, what a waste of time! And now, sod's-blimin-law I find out 9 days ago that I've got cancer so I embarked on a caveman diet, and I've lost that 6 stone, just like that! (again, over exaggerating, maybe put it in pounds and you're with me on this).
So my 'I made this up' theory that by only eating fruit, veg, nuts and pulses to stop my cancer from spreading is probably a load of crap, i've actually lost more weight than i ever have in the shortest space of time but i feel so healthy, have clear skin and in fact i'm better that i've ever felt!
Good times!
Peanut-sized tumor, are you listening?? I feel bloody fabulous!
Tuesday 3 March 2009
The Power of Facebook
Ok, so every day when I get home from work and I turn on my phone, 100 squillion texts come flooding in of support, from all the weird and wonderful people in my life.
And yesterday evening after work, at 7.45pm my poor hub looked at me with that 'when are we going to start to make dinner' face when i realised that i'd spent the past few hours replying to text messages! So we rustled something up in the kitchen with me chopping with one hand and still texting in the other and then i ate my food whilst typing on my laptop replying to emails on facebook. By the time i'd gotten to bed i'd realised that i'd not even had a conversation with my husband all evening!
So today i thought that i couldn't physically keep up with everyone's amazing messages. So i decided to email all of my facebook friends with the link to this blog and also set up a group where my hub and some friends could update news and send info for fundraising; my friend Natalie couldn't sleep the night I was diagnosed and told me that she wanted to do something, so she's organising a race for life for me, geez i do feel very honoured! So what a perfect way of doing it, by the power of a facebook group.
So i did it, i created a facebook group and sent it to all of my friends, about 6pm this evening and then logged off. I've just logged in to find more amazing messages and emails from people i've not seen in years, come flooding in. Its given me a grin from ear to ear, the feeling is unbelievable.
If you're at any stage of cancer, i.e. waiting to get results, going for your operation or at the treatment stage, I urge you to let every person you care about know that you're going through it, because hearing from a school friend that you've not seen in over 15 years sending you hope and wishes or people you met on holiday who you 'vowed to keep in touch with but never did' and then they send you a text to wish you well and offer you a weekend retreat, is bloody amazing!!
The feeling is overwhelming and it's weirdly given me a super-power strength to get through this.
I love it. I'm definitely doing the weekend in Manchester, the girlie weekend in the sticks, the caravan in west wales. I want to get better from my operation to make sure that I do. Oh yeah, today I got my appointment date, 11th March. See, i'm so excited about my facebook experience that i've not even thought or worried about my operation...
And yesterday evening after work, at 7.45pm my poor hub looked at me with that 'when are we going to start to make dinner' face when i realised that i'd spent the past few hours replying to text messages! So we rustled something up in the kitchen with me chopping with one hand and still texting in the other and then i ate my food whilst typing on my laptop replying to emails on facebook. By the time i'd gotten to bed i'd realised that i'd not even had a conversation with my husband all evening!
So today i thought that i couldn't physically keep up with everyone's amazing messages. So i decided to email all of my facebook friends with the link to this blog and also set up a group where my hub and some friends could update news and send info for fundraising; my friend Natalie couldn't sleep the night I was diagnosed and told me that she wanted to do something, so she's organising a race for life for me, geez i do feel very honoured! So what a perfect way of doing it, by the power of a facebook group.
So i did it, i created a facebook group and sent it to all of my friends, about 6pm this evening and then logged off. I've just logged in to find more amazing messages and emails from people i've not seen in years, come flooding in. Its given me a grin from ear to ear, the feeling is unbelievable.
If you're at any stage of cancer, i.e. waiting to get results, going for your operation or at the treatment stage, I urge you to let every person you care about know that you're going through it, because hearing from a school friend that you've not seen in over 15 years sending you hope and wishes or people you met on holiday who you 'vowed to keep in touch with but never did' and then they send you a text to wish you well and offer you a weekend retreat, is bloody amazing!!
The feeling is overwhelming and it's weirdly given me a super-power strength to get through this.
I love it. I'm definitely doing the weekend in Manchester, the girlie weekend in the sticks, the caravan in west wales. I want to get better from my operation to make sure that I do. Oh yeah, today I got my appointment date, 11th March. See, i'm so excited about my facebook experience that i've not even thought or worried about my operation...
Monday 2 March 2009
Blimin 'ell it's Invasive
Well my hopes of having a DCIS (ductal carcinoma in situ) type of cancer are out of the window, it's invasive, so could spread. But hey, around 85% of breat tumors are, so I'm not alone!
And I found out today that during my operation I'll be injected with some blue dye to map out my lymph nodes so that I can have 4 of them removed. This is to see if the cancer has spread. But, it means that for about a day or so, I'll have blue skin! And i'll pee blue, and some people even cry blue tears! All those childhood fantasties of being the cute girl smirf with a yellow flower in my hair are about to come true! I must remember to get someone to take a picture!
So anyway, as it's invasive, i'll be having chemo. And I'm afraid of losing my hair, well my dignity to be precise. But to make sure that this little 15mm sucker doesn't get one over on me, I'm going to chop all of my hair off this week. It's my way of making sure that I'm in control!
I'm not going to shave it off, my operation is hopefully next week and there's a few weeks of recovery time first. So i'm going for a short hair style just to get used to having short hair, so that when it comes out, it's not a shock to anyone or myself.
And to make myself feel better, I'm going to treat myself to a Hermès scarf to wrap my head in. And then have some fun with a few fun wigs, why not! This is the only time in my life that I can get away with anything I want to, so if I fancy being ginger, blonde or have dreadlocks for the day, then so be it!
So suprisingly, I feel really positive. At least now I know what I'm dealing with!
And I found out today that during my operation I'll be injected with some blue dye to map out my lymph nodes so that I can have 4 of them removed. This is to see if the cancer has spread. But, it means that for about a day or so, I'll have blue skin! And i'll pee blue, and some people even cry blue tears! All those childhood fantasties of being the cute girl smirf with a yellow flower in my hair are about to come true! I must remember to get someone to take a picture!
So anyway, as it's invasive, i'll be having chemo. And I'm afraid of losing my hair, well my dignity to be precise. But to make sure that this little 15mm sucker doesn't get one over on me, I'm going to chop all of my hair off this week. It's my way of making sure that I'm in control!
I'm not going to shave it off, my operation is hopefully next week and there's a few weeks of recovery time first. So i'm going for a short hair style just to get used to having short hair, so that when it comes out, it's not a shock to anyone or myself.
And to make myself feel better, I'm going to treat myself to a Hermès scarf to wrap my head in. And then have some fun with a few fun wigs, why not! This is the only time in my life that I can get away with anything I want to, so if I fancy being ginger, blonde or have dreadlocks for the day, then so be it!
So suprisingly, I feel really positive. At least now I know what I'm dealing with!
Sunday 1 March 2009
I Just Want to Eat Chocolate!
Yesterday I emailed a bunch of friends to let them know about my 'blip'. I couldn't face calling everyone and I was really worried that they'd find out from gossip or blimin Facebook where nothing in your life is secret! And it felt easy writing it in an email, no-one can see the worry on your face when you tell them and I can't see the shock on their faces. So a job well done.
I think that's everyone now, all of my family and friends know. I even told my neighbours yesterday morning. I was taking out a bag of rubbish as they were getting into their car. We had a brief chat and then I said that I had some weird news and told them. I felt a bit akward actually, I hardly ever see them and blurting out 'Hi, how's things, oh I have cancer' felt really bizzare, but my mouth just took over and afterwards I felt a bit silly.
But then a few hours later, a lovely card and a huge bar of Dairy Milk came through my letterbox from them. All I wanted was to make a huge cup of tea and eat it all but my 'healthy food' phase wouldn't let me. Although today my husband opened it and I did have one or two pieces, and I think that might turn in to 3 or 4 pieces by the end of this evening.
Also yesterday afternoon my cousin and his mates came over. And they bought me a chocolate cake. Now its rude for someone to bring something so freshly baked that I simply had to have a little piece. I did want to shove the whole thing in my face as they waiting in the lounge as I made tea, but I resisted.
I don't know why I'm so scared of chocolate at the moment. I did read online that cancer can feed off bad sugars, but then I do also remember reading in a magazine that chocolate is actually a good way of keeping cancer away, or maybe I just made that bit up.
But its so bloody hard, I love the stuff, and people seem to think that chocolate and illness go hand in hand so I know that i'll be getting more of it. Hmph!
So anyway, i'm hoping that my operation appointment letter arrives soon. I'm eating all of this healthy food to keep my immune system strong and I want to heal quickly after the op so that they can start my treatment plan. Then I'll be able to eat all the chocolate I want, if my husband hasn't eaten it all first!
I think that's everyone now, all of my family and friends know. I even told my neighbours yesterday morning. I was taking out a bag of rubbish as they were getting into their car. We had a brief chat and then I said that I had some weird news and told them. I felt a bit akward actually, I hardly ever see them and blurting out 'Hi, how's things, oh I have cancer' felt really bizzare, but my mouth just took over and afterwards I felt a bit silly.
But then a few hours later, a lovely card and a huge bar of Dairy Milk came through my letterbox from them. All I wanted was to make a huge cup of tea and eat it all but my 'healthy food' phase wouldn't let me. Although today my husband opened it and I did have one or two pieces, and I think that might turn in to 3 or 4 pieces by the end of this evening.
Also yesterday afternoon my cousin and his mates came over. And they bought me a chocolate cake. Now its rude for someone to bring something so freshly baked that I simply had to have a little piece. I did want to shove the whole thing in my face as they waiting in the lounge as I made tea, but I resisted.
I don't know why I'm so scared of chocolate at the moment. I did read online that cancer can feed off bad sugars, but then I do also remember reading in a magazine that chocolate is actually a good way of keeping cancer away, or maybe I just made that bit up.
But its so bloody hard, I love the stuff, and people seem to think that chocolate and illness go hand in hand so I know that i'll be getting more of it. Hmph!
So anyway, i'm hoping that my operation appointment letter arrives soon. I'm eating all of this healthy food to keep my immune system strong and I want to heal quickly after the op so that they can start my treatment plan. Then I'll be able to eat all the chocolate I want, if my husband hasn't eaten it all first!
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