4 Very Scary Days

Tonight I came out of hospital. And geez, what a scary episode it was....

I'd been taking my temperature every day last week as I had a bit of a cold and was worried it'd turn into an infection or virus (read the blog entry 'Please don't put the words Cancer and Just Died in the Same Sentance - and you'll know why I was taking my temperature daily, to be over cautious as an infection or virus can get very scary!)

Anyway, it had been fine all week but Saturday evening it rose a little, so like every cancer patient knows... you have to call the hospital to tell them. So I did, and as usual, they asked me to go in to have my blood count checked. The reason for this is that chemo kills all your cells, whether they're good cells or bad, it zaps them. This includes your white blood cells which are your immune system, so for a week or so after chemo, my immune system is down but slowly builds back up, usually mine recover well but as I was about to find out on Saturday evening; this time, they hadn't....

My blood count was really low, 0.2 and I had a slight temperture, so the Dr told me that I had to stay at the hospital for 24 hours to be monitored. So the hub left me in my room at Velindre Cancer Care hospital for the evening, at this point I thought everything was going to be okay.

However my vains were weak, and 2 nurses and a Dr tried to inject me for a drip and geez, what pain that was! 6 holes later a bruised hand and arm and my vains were having none of it, so I had to have it where they took blood halfway up my arm which meant that I couldn't bend it. Bloody nightmare! I'm left handed, but couldn't use my arm to eat, flick through a mag... it was really weird but hey, it was only going to be 24hours so I thought I would put up with the inconvinience!

The following day they checked my blood again and it had dropped again, my immune was nonexistent and at this point, my temperature was bubbling. Panic took over, all I could think about was the story I was told in April about a cancer patient who had a a low immune after chemo, got an infection, which turned into a virus, which turned into pneumonia, and she died.

Throughout the day I cried; I had no idea where this infection had come from, people take it for granted that when they have a temperature their immune can fight it but for me, something small that had started growing over the week was now growing fast and my body was shaking, my teeth were chattering and although I was freezing cold, my skin was on fire. I had no idea what I had, in fact I'm still waiting for the test results to come back, so I was scared of what it was, how serious it was, and could my body recover and fight it.

My parents couldn't even come to visit, my dad had a sniffley cold so anything like that was too risky, I wasn't even allowed to leave my room. So for 4 days I lay in bed feeling sick from the anti-biotics, resting, and then every few hours I'd have a fit of shakes and a high temperature and wait for it to pass. They injected me daily with a bone marrow booster to help my blood cells and I had to have 24 hours of normal temperature to be able to leave.

So today, after 4 nightmare and very scary days, I came home.

I've never thought about loving my body, but now I do. Even in its ugliness of putting on so much weight during chemo, I still love it. They say true beauty is on the inside, and my body, that was able to fight and recover all of this, is beautiful.

So now, I think it deserves a treat, I think I'll buy it a new wardrobe!

My First Tattoo....

Well I've always wanted to have one and now I've got one, well 3, but I can only find 1 of them!

I went for my radiotherapy planning last week and they tattooed little dots where they have to line up the plates for the therapy. They're small, like pin pricks, but tattoos none the less so its a little bit exciting!

I met someone a few weeks ago who was 11years clear of breast cancer and still has her radiotherapy tattoos!

I though about doing something bonkers and having a tattoo on my head so when my hair grows over it, no-one will actually see it, but i'll know its there!

Maybe i'll get something rude tattooed on there, something with a 4 letter work, haha! And then when I'm 80 I can shave it off and show my grandkids!

But then sod's law, maybe i'll need chemo again, oh geez how embarrassing would that be?!

Chemo Number 5... Eat, Eat & Eat Some More...

Hoo-rah!

Chemo 5 down, phew. It's been a toughie...

After a fantastic weekend at the West Walian Wedding I was ready for a week on the sofa of vegging in a chemo coma. But by day 3, I was feeling fine. I had chemo Monday morning and on Wednesday afternoon I was eating a burger in Cardiff Bay looking forward to going to the cinema. That's the first time ever I've been able to leave the house 2 days after chemo. I did fall asleep in the cinema which couldn't have been fun for the hub but to venture out in chemo coma week was exciting! I felt as though I'd mastered it; chemo wasn't going to effect me anymore and the ball was happily in my court....

then on Thursday morning, about 4am, I woke up... starving.

I was so hungry that I felt myself getting angry that I needed to eat.

My chemo nurse told me months ago that she'd had patients that got ravenous from the steroids and had to raid the fridge but I'd not had anything like that...until now.

I lasted for 2 hours in bed tossing and turning as my stomach called out for food, and at 6am I gave in... and made pasta.

That was the start of my insatiable appetite to just eat and eat and eat. And this was followed by sleep and sleep and sleep.

All I've done since Thursday morning is eat... and sleep. I've been totally zonked on the sofa snoozing and then waking up to stuff my face. It's not been pleasant.

But its Sunday today, and its over. I think I feel normal, a little tired, but chemo'd out.

And now... 2 weeks until the last ever chemo!!!

And whatever weird tastes, feelings or illness it brings me, i'll accept it glady... as its the last EVER chemo... wurhoo!

A West Walian Wedding

Well the hub has settled back home quite nicely; his unpacking all over the floor, take-aways and eating out since he's been home and is today enjoying a boozy day at the Ashes... it's like he's never been away!

Where as me, I'm running up and down the stairs trying to get my bits and bobs together for a weekend in the Gower for a wedding. We're leaving tomorrow morning to enjoy the weekend together so we're hopefully heading off in the morning (bet I'm driving cause the hub is gonna be hungover from the cricket!) and then going for lovely walks along the beach (hopefully not on my own whilst the hub sleeps off his hangover!).

The wedding's Saturday and I've had a nightmare trying to find an outfit, it's not easy. I've gone up 2 dress sizes and although I did try to squeeze into most outfits, I had to give in and go for a more 'comfortable'option of a flowy dress that will hopefully hide my lady (and steroids) bumps. I'm still unsure what to wear on my head, I now feel silly in a wig, and I also feel silly in my hat. I'll probably take both with me and see how I feel on the day, I just hope a tantrum isn't brewing as it usually does when I'm due to leave the house as I feel so weird having no hair. But my mum did remind me today... this time next month I'll be finishing my last chemo... :-) so my hair will start to hopefully shoot out super fast as I've always had fast growing hair.

Anyway, that's Saturday. And then Sunday, the bride and groom are hosting a pre-wedding Hawaiin BBQ. I've got my grass skirt, black long hair wig, garlands and head piece and am really excited to have hair again for a day, it feels like real hair and if it wasn't so long I'd wear it to the wedding day itself! So am looking forward to spending time with the hub and seeing my friends for the weekend. I'm also excited about having a 'drink' although I know my alcohol tolerance is on the floor, so 1 or 2 vodkas and it'll be bed time!

I'll blog again with West Walian Wedding news and hopefully no embarrassing stories about my wig flying off on the dancefloor after me having 1 drink and thinking i'm George Sampson!

Oh I forgot, chemo next week. It was due tomorrow but I re-scheduled it for next week so that I could go to the wedding. Chemo number 5 people, nearly there...

...life is slowly getting better!

It's a Miracle!

I can see!

Since the age of 16 I've worn glasses. And I've always been too vain to wear them as much as I should do. But for driving, cinema, gigs, matches.. I have to wear them.

But last week I noticed that my eyes seem to work without glasses. It's so strange.

Could it be the chemo?
My dad thinks its the amount of carrots I juice (I thought carrots made you see in the dark, not see generally!)

And my mum noticed that my eyes have changed colour. I used to have dark brown eyes, now they're light brown. Very light brown. And the hub noticed yesterday that they're clear with no speckly bits.

Is this the cure for bad eye sight, to have chemo? or eat 6 carrots juiced with oranges, strawberries and blueberries...? eitherway, its amazing.

I had my eye's tested the week I was waiting for my biopsy, I'm going to get them tested again after I finish my chemo to see how much they've improved!

The Lion's Return

Phew, I did it. I managed to survive 7 long weeks without the hub.

He's home tomorrow and I'm so excited and quite weirdly...a little nervous. It's been the longest I've been without him; the most being about 3 weeks when he's been away for the summer tours, so this time it feels like he's been away for a year.

I've had an odd day today, i've just been super tired and a little grumpy. I'm not sure if its post chemo fatigue or just relief that the hub is getting on a plane and coming home. Eitherway... tomorrow won't come fast enough! I'm having Reiki tomorrow morning (a way of natural healing using energy) and also reflexology so I'll be super chilled by the time the hub is home.

I just had a thought about it, I do feel nervous... like I'm going on a first date with him... how exciting! Also, it's a bit sad to admit but I've actually already selected what I'm going to wear to pick him up tomorrow!

Wish me luck...

A New Outlook...

There has to be some reason that this is happening to me.

I can't have experienced the best year of my life during 2008; my niece was born, my boyfriend proposed to me, then his team won the Grand Slam at rugby, I had the most fun ever at my hen do, I experienced the best day of my life at my wedding (non-wed people, its actually true, it 'does' feel like the best day of your life!) and then spent 3 weeks honeymooning in the Maldives and Vegas and then just when I was ready to start a family...whoosh...the rug is pulled from under my feet, I get diagnosed with Breast Cancer and then I learn I can't start a family for 5 years....

So it can't just be bad luck... there has to be some reason why this has happend... maybe there's something I've yet to do in my life and I've been wracking my brains for the past few weeks trying to figure out what it is!

All I know is that I've been told that 1 in 5 women get breast cancer back within 2 years of finishing treatment but if I go 5 years without getting it back... I should be able to say that I'm all clear... but those 2 years are going to be really hard. And if I'm unlucky enough to get it back I want to say that I've bloody enjoyed those 2 years.

I can't face finishing chemo and radiotherapy and then going back to my old life. I want to experience 'something' and its so cliche but I want to enjoy every minute as life is precious. For the 4 weeks between being diagnosed and finding out my lymph nodes were given the all clear, I worried that I was going to die, horribly by suffering and fighting through cancer. But I'm not, and I've feel like I've been given a 'get out of jail free' card for a 2nd chance at life but I don't know what I'm supposed to do....

I'm going to start 'pruning' and getting rid of all the negativity in my life, then I feel like I need to go spend some time alone to figure out what I need to do without anyone influencing me... maybe i'll book a weekend break somewhere sunny where I can sit on a balcony overlooking a beautiful view and start with a pen and blank piece of paper and just brainstorm...

I won't waste my life anymore, no-one knows when their lives will end and I don't think anyone really cares to think about that. But my life is different, I thought recently that my life 'was' going to end, but I've got it back, and I have to start to really live it, I just wish I knew how to!

It's Me!

Okay let's go back to last year.....

I went through a phase of buying the same gift for nearly every female birthday last year... a Chanel mirror compact (I truly believe every woman should have one in her handbag!). And each time I'd go to Debenhams to buy one, the Chanel counter was empty and a lovely lady from Clarins would come over to serve me and gift wrap the compact. We struck up a few conversations and I told her about getting married and she suggested some Clarins creams for me as she gift wrapped my purchase. And I went in there so many times that when she saw me coming into the store she'd ask 'Who's birthday is it this time?'.

Anyway, my friend Cerys has just finished chemo and I thought I'd buy her a Chanel compact as a gift so this week I nipped into town and went to Debenhams. Sure enough the Chanel counter was empty and as I hovered by the make up the same women from Clarins came over. I asked her for a gift wrapped compact and she asked if I could come back cause the Chanel lady was on lunch...she didn't recognise me... I felt really weird, but anyway I told her I came in especially so could she help me.... and she clearly didn't want to; she told me she couldn't wrap it but could put it in a bag.

I wanted to say to her 'It's me, Chanel compact girl who buys one for everyone, I got married at christmas remember...' but the words didn't come out of my mouth, she clearly had no idea who this woman 'in a scarf and cap' with 'no make-up on' was. And as I paid and walked away, I felt really sad.

Sorry, this really has been a depressing week for blog posts, but I can only get it out of my head if I write it down. I'm going to wait until I'm well and my hair grows back and I'm going to trot into Debenhams and buy myself a Chanel compact and see if she recognises me again, looking normal.

If she doesn't recognise me, I think i'll feel better.