The Chip....

Since the blood clot scare I'm a changed women.

Gone is the "It's only cancer I'll get through it" and "I'm going to raise £1m for Cancer Research" positivity.

It's been replaced with "I don't want to talk about cancer anymore, ever".

The blood clot scare has knocked me for 6. I spent those 15 hours or so of waiting for my scan worrying that I was going to die, I just can't think positively anymore. I think it's starting to hit me, I'm dealing with cancer here, its bloody serious. My poor body is being put through hell with chemo and is fighting to get back to normal and then gets knocked down again... and it frightens me that maybe my body will give up. It's taking a beating and little things like clots and infections could have serious effects on my body's recovery.

I never really though that I was 'fighting against cancer'.

But I do now.

So I've spent a good few days realising that I'm petrified and all of the 'why me?' questions keep surfacing.

There's a big chip on my shoulder, my sense of humor has gone. I can't talk about cancer in the same blasé way anymore. I am bitter, angry that it's happening to me. I'm not sure if I want to try to raise £1m. I want to forget cancer and just be me again.

I've not had a chance to be Katherine Bown yet. 6 months ago I was Katherine Formosa, then the moment I became Katherine Bown, I got diagnosed with a life threatening illness. I want my life back, I want to enjoy being married and I just want this nightmare to be over.

I don't want to catch up with friends I've not seen in a while, I can't bear to talk about 'it' anymore. I can't pretend I'm being strong and positive.

I just need some space.


The hub is coming home next week, I know he'll fix me.